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you are NOT alone!!!
A lot of us have been in unhealthy situations in the past :( MrBee started a thread, it's actually the first one under the "Related Posts" on this very page, and I was surprised at (and sad for) the number of women who have abusive relationships in our past.
Are you most afraid of your FH turning bad, or your relationship, or your own thought life? Have you talked to him about any of this stuff?
I know for me, one of the things that really drew me to J, who I'm with now, is how incredibly understanding he was about all the baggage I brought to our relationship. He is so patient with me when I deal with stuff, and so consistently loving... whenever I have a fear or doubt, I know I can go to him and tell him what I'm struggling with, and he always reassures me, not just with words but with his actions.
(((Hugs))) You're not alone; your FH and we, the Hive, are here to love on you!!
Hey hisswallow
I don't suffer from PTSD, nor have had an abusive past, so I can't relate. However, I just want to let you know that its good to vent and talk it all out. Have you seeked professional counseling? Do you feel like you can talk to your partner about this?
It sounds like the man you're with now is great, and hasn't shown any signs of abuse. Hopefully your bad days have ended...all that is left is for you to resolve what has been done. Please do not keep it in...speak with someone!
I too have PTSD from a past abusive relationship. In the beginning of my relationship with my fiance, he didn't really understand it. I couldn't be held for too long or I would freak out. I couldn't be playfully pinned down in any way. I'd freak out. I had a problem where I'd see flashes of the abusive ex during some encounters, also. I was a bit of a mess.
It has gotten better, but he also has learned that sometimes I can't be hugged for very long, or horsed around with, etc. He is loving and patient, so after I explained it all to him he understood more.
I still startle really easily. (People have picked up on that and think it's funny to walk behind me in stairwells and say "boo!" I'll scream bloody-murder and about have a heart attack. I laugh it off, but it really and truly scares the crap out of me). I also still get randomly afraid that he (ex) will come back and try to hurt me or us because we're getting married.
Don't worry. Just be patient with him and explain where you're coming from.
He has been absolutely wonderful and the farthest thing from abusive. In fact, he rarely gets really angry and doesn't have the emotional back and forth that the ex had. I am in therapy but we are just beginning the more indepth, emotional things. The therapist is fantastic and I see her every two weeks. I am also medicated for depression that I have been suffering from since 3rd grade (was molested by my teacher).
I guess that I am most afraid that we will be happy like we are now and then, once we are married things will change. Our relationship won't go as well or that we will someday feel like we made a mistake. I guess that maybe I am mostly afraid that HE will think that he has made a mistake.
Like fiftyfootbride (love the name btw) said - I startle easily. I have nightmares. When I do get startled I shake for at least an hour afterwards. The ex left me with a mountain of dept (to the tune of 300,000.00), committed crimes that I was accused of being part of, I lost my home, my pets, many of my belongings and for a brief time, my children (not a child protective services issue but I wanted them out of the situation while I got things straightened out when he went to jail). It seems like everytime I turn around there is something else that I remember/realize that he did that was abusive and it's been 3 years since I left him.
I am so thankful for your support ladies - I don't feel so alone now.
I also have PTSD as a result of an abusive relationship and it is sometimes so severe that I will have flashbacks. One of the first times I knew I wanted to marry FI, I had a flashback in front of him (so embarrassing). Instead of freaking out, he held me and kept whispering in my ear "Phedre, it's me Ronin - I love you, you're safe, it's okay" until it was over.
He is so kind and patient with me and understands when I am struggling. I think that is because when I told him I had PTSD he wanted to know all about it and when I told him, he actually listened. He gets it and is an active part of my recovery.
It's okay and normal to be scared of relationships after being abused - you are violated by the person you are supposed to love and trust the most! But not every man is like that and it sounds like your FI really loves you and is supportive which is an absolute blessing.
And most definitely, you are not alone.
@Hisswallow - I have not personally gone through what you have, but I just want to encourage you to keep talking about it and being open with your FI about it... it sounds like you have found a winner from the way you describe him, and although I know therapy is very important, the people in our lives are theraputic as well.
One other thing I wanted to throw in - don't underestimate the power of animals! I work with abused horses, and often the people that connect best with hurting animals are those who have been hurt themselves. Sometimes finding something new to invest yourself in is worth it, and really legitimizes your feelings.
I am so sorry to hear about all of your stories. This is far too common. I had an ex who left me with a very very bad perception of men for a very long time. I don't think I realized how damaged (and scared) I was of men until I met FI and had to confront some of that. Other people knew, but I couldn't even listen to what they were trying to tell me. When I met FI it was very difficult for me to trust that he really was a good guy because a) we're living in a culture where domestic violence is far more acceptable than my own cultural background (and unlike me, FI witnessed DV during his entire childhood) and b) visiting prostitutes is not only NOT considered cheating, but sometimes encouraged and paid for by your boss. It took a very long time for FI to prove to me through his daily behaviour that he was in fact not the evil man I expected him to be. And my suspicions and fear of what I thought he was underneath the good guy I knew almost destroyed our relationship on many occasions. I am truely grateful that in every way since meeting FI I have become a healthier person. Because for a while there...not so good.
and hisswallow...on a happier note I just realized you are in Ontario where my hometown is. hugs to a fellow Ontarian^^
I had a very abusive relationship about 7 years ago, and yes it still haunts me. I have dreams where my current FI all of the sudden turns into my ex. Just last night, I had a dream where I was talking to FI on the phone and all of the sudden it was my ex's voice saying horrible things.
My FI is wonderful, and I am trying to let go of the past. Sometimes I expect FI to get mad at me for something the ex would freak out about like going out with my friends. Fi doesn't and am like what you are ok with it? When FI and I have disagreements we just talk about it, there is no WWIII. I keep on expecting the sceaming the torment the words everything and it doesn't come. I am still getting used it after all this time. I wish so badly I could just erase that bad chapter in my life and delete the darkness I had felt. I wonder sometimes if a therapist would help me erase those memories and the dreams.
You are definitely not alone, and my prayers are with you and that we may put what we once went through in the past where it belongs
Hugs back to you Bamm!
I totally relate to worrying that something i have done will upset my FI. The ex got mad over EVERYTHING. I once smashed a jar of sauce on the floor and spent half an hour crying because I knew that he would be mad... and that was before he had ever hit me. The man terrifies me, plain and simple. Unfortuantely, I have a child with him so despite a custody order and a discretion order that allows me to determine whether he sees or has any other contact with her, there are always things coming up that I have to deal with in regards to him. Most recently his parole officer gave him permission to write to her without even discussing it with us... and he had pled guilty to child abuse and domestic violence prior to that in regard to myself and my daughters. Argh.
I am on this post as a Mother of the Bride but I can really relate to this one. When I met my husband it was after a horrible marriage and everything scared me. He had to learn not to yell or make loud noises. We have been together 19 years...it's a joy. You can get over it with an understanding partner.
@kazoochair- Thanks for the reassurance. :) My fiance is so sweet, and is the same way. He has never raised his voice, ever, and he's very sweet in the trying-not-to-startle-me department. Now if we could only teach the cat not to startle me!
Much love and hugs to everyone who shared their stories. Even though they're all terrible, it helps knowing you're not alone.
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I am wondering if there are any other brides out there that have experienced an abusive past relationship and if that fact is affecting your relationship now? I have PTSD from a very abusive and controlling relationship with the ex husband and while I am seeking help, I often struggle with the residual affects of that abuse - sometimes daily.
I am with a wonderful man now and I know that I want to marry him but I am grateful that it is 2 years or more down the line because I am so scared that once we get married it will turn bad - not abusive, just bad if that makes sense?
Anyway, I am feeling pretty alone right now...