Post # 1
Hi Bees, my bf and I are planning to get engaged in the next few months. As far as I know, he HAS NOT bought a ring yet. We were supposed to go shopping a bit just so he can see what I like. I still want him to choose the ring by himself and “surprise” me with (ahh romance). A couple of days ago, he was hanging out with a friend (let’s call him Frank) from work at the Frank’s apt. I didn’t think much of it…until now when my bf said something about Frank showing him his ex fiance’s ring.
When I met Frank, he was engaged and I met his fiancee too. They were a lovely couple and I remember saying how gorgeous her ring was. She was a petite lady and her rock looked HUGE and it just looked so glam on her. Months pass, and unfortunately they break it off and they no longer speak (which makes me sad bc they seemed like such a nice couple). We were not like close friends with them or anything. I just remember meeting them once or twice over dinner.
Well…in my paranoid horror, I am now thinking that perhaps my bf may be thinking of buying this “used” ring from Frank. I mean…they NEVER really hung out before like they did a few days ago. It was really random. My bf didn’t say that he would do such a thing, but he and I love a good bargain (I love to coupon) and I wouldn’t put it past him to do this to get a good deal on a good ring.
HOWEVER…If in fact he did do that (which I have no clue if he did as of right now) I’m kind of sad that he didn’t go and find a ring that was specifically made or meant FOR ME. And to top it off…I’m scared that the riing has bad luck, bad memories, karma and whatever other metaphysical forces you can imagine attached to it. I want a ring badly, but not if it means getting one like this. I don’t want a ring that has bad feelings attached it. Besides that, she and I are two completely different sizes in terms of height and weight, so I would bet the ring would need to be greatly resized to fit me, which also makes me uncomfortable.
Am I being stupid? Should I bring this up to my bf somehow to tell him what my feelings about it are? Should I just let it go and see what happens (honestly, unless he TELLS me it’s her ring, I probably won’t be able to tell because I saw it the last time like 2 years ago and only have a vague memory of it)? I’m scared that if this is what happened and I find out about it I’ll feel jipped in a way…and I don’t want to feel that.
Had anyone else bought a ring from a broken up couple and used it as their own? How do you feel about that?
At first I was horrified at the thought, and now that it is sinking in a bit, I’m like, well I guess it’s not that bad… I dunno… 🙁 Thoughts are much appreciated!
Post # 3
Never. I want something that is from my FI to Me..that was meant for me and me only. I think you just want the engagement so bad that you don’t care where it comes from. I think that you’d rather have something on your finger for the rest of your life that means something, to have something that your FI picked out for YOU.
but, that’s my opinion. When it comes to something sentimental like that, and a purchase/investment like that, I’m a little picky and personal about it.
Post # 4
This wouldn’t bother me (since it wasn’t your BF’s ex – I don’t mind “used” rings) – BUT, I can totally understand why it would bother you.
YES, you should speak up. Drop it into conversation that you would not want a second-hand ring, no matter how beautiful. He is not a mind-reader, and this is a chance to practice telling him what you need/want. Be clear and straightforward. Guys tend to appreciate it.
Post # 5
Meh, honestly i dont know if that would bother me much. What if he purchased it and had it redesigned or just used the centre stone? That would be fine in my opinion.
But speak up and tell him that it would bother you. Guys dont think things through sometimes.
Post # 6
I would take a used ring if I liked the style. I’m not weirded out by it just because it was bought for someone else…but it better look brand new if I’m going to get it.
That said, if it bothers you, ask your bf to get you a new one. No fancy ring is worth the negative feelings you’re talking about!
Post # 7
I think you should talk to your SO. See, it can be a great deal to buy his friend ring, an then sell it, and buy you a new one. :S
Etheir way, I think you should talk to him and say something about how you are feeling. Maybe he didn’t even thought of that and you are ansious without reason.
Or maybe he thought you would be ok with it. So, definatly talk to him.
Post # 8
It seems a little weird to use a friends exact right like that. I’d have no problem with buying his stone and resetting it though for the right price.
Post # 9
It doesn’t matter if other people would care about this or not! You clearly DO care, so you should say something super-quick to your BF. What’s the important thing to you? That he picks it out from amongst many at a store? That it’s white gold or yellow gold? Could you maybe choose a local store (via recommendations or reading Yelp reviews) and tell him you’d love it if he’d buy your ring from there? Is it important that the ring be under warranty? If you don’t want to tell BF that you don’t want Frank’s ex-FI’s ring, you can come up with some other reason that will limit him without being that specific.
Post # 10
It seems like it bothers you – so do what you need to do! However, if the ring is beautiful and your fiance gets a good deal, you could look at it this way. You’re giving a great ring a second chance to be worn and loved. You’re helping out a friend who would certainly like to recoup some of the money spent on the ring. I don’t believe in a bad luck ring!
Post # 11
I don’t think this would bother me – it might be a good, practical way to get a nicer ring than your SO could have bought retail! But it depends on a lot of things – like, will you ever see your friend’s ex-fiance again? Do you have mutual friends who might be like, “Um… is that X’s ring?” That would weird me out. In general, though, I don’t think physical objects can really have bad luck attached to them – but if you do feel that way, tell your SO to keep looking.
Post # 12
Thanks everyone for your thoughts!
I’m going to try and bring it up somehow when I see my bf for lunch tomorrow and see what he says. I may be jumping the gun a bit about it bc I have no proof really that this is what happened.
Now that I’ve given it some thought, I’m not THAT against it. As @KatieBklyn: pointed out…I will never see his ex fiancee ever again. We have no mutual friends or relatives and the only times I see Frank are for the holiday work party once a year, and he’s not the type that would be an ass and say anything about it. Her ring was gorgeous, and given how much it sparkled and its size, I’m guessing it wasn’t cheap. As @chloees_mom: said, I would feel better about doing a favor for a friend than being overcharged retail. Frank and his fiancee broke up over a year ago I believe, so it’s not like its coming off of her finger and coming right onto mine.
I’ll let you all know how it goes. The more I think about it, the more ridiculous I feel like I sounded haha. I’m not overly superstitious or anything and my bf is definitely not, so I think ultimately it’s not that bad of an idea!
Post # 13
It definitely wouldn’t bother me IF I like the ring, but I’m not at all superstitious. It’s an inanimate object. For all I know, my ring was bought and returned 100 times before I got it.
Post # 14
As a thought experiment … no right or wrong answer … would you be as concerned if he went to an antique store and purchased a lovely estate piece, nice old miner’s cut diamond and platinum piece? (Assume you like antique looking styles)
I guess I’m trying to get at, is pre-owned jewelery always a problem, or is it just something that is recent and with someone you knew?
Post # 15
@MrsPHopefully: NEVER EVER!! One of fiances friends bought his fiance a diamond from a failed engagement and used the diamond to make his own ring for her but I still dont like the idea…I guess I’m just superstitious but I feel like the ring would hold a bad omen. I would want to have my own brand new ring that was made and bought for me only. I really dont even thinks she knows that the diamond is a recycled one either….Eeekkk!
Post # 16
Before you worry too much, it’s possible your SO mentioned to Frank while they were hanging out that he was planning to propose. And in the context of that conversation, Frank showed him the ring that he had given his ex-fiance. It’s also likely that your SO is fishing for hints and direction. Something to the effect of ‘oh, her ring was pretty but I think I like something more like this’.
That being said, if he does want to buy the ring off Frank, you can always have it restyled. Keep the stones and set them in something that suits you.