- 5 years ago
Fair warning: this will become a poorly written novel with bad grammar. Blame my ipad.
I’ve been with SO for almost 5 years, living together for 4. We’re both 24. Never thought I’d be the marrying type until him, and one day 2 1/2 years ago, I decided he was the one. Engagement talk was sparingly thrown into our lives as people we knew started getting engaged. After a couple that were together for less than six months got engaged, he told me he was planning on proposing but “didn’t want to steal anyone’s thunder.”
i was beyond excited.
Fast forward two and a half years. We’ve been through countless weddings and have watched several couples meet and get married in the time we’ve been together, and still, I have no proposal. I’ve tried to be patient, but last year, I started becoming severely depressed. I had all these expectations about a proposal and none of them have been met. every once in a while, I’d ask him about us having kids and getting married, and he got extremely avoidant any time the “w” or “m” word was brought up.
Finally, my best friend finally got engaged(she was in the same boat as me with the waiting thing) and then I snapped. I’m tired of the looks I get from people, I’m tired of having to justify my relationship and I’m tired of pretending I don’t want to get married. So I got wasted one night and had an all American freak out. And he still didnt really have an answer for me. I’ll admit, I’ve gotten bitter and started naming snide remarks ever since.
I decided to bring it up again in a serious conversation earlier this week and it turned into a fight. He started saying my desire to get married was stupid and so on and so forth And I got so angry. I ended up drinking wine straight out the bottle while bawling and browsing through the Waiting forum on the bee and found a walking letter that a user posted(quite sure you all know which one. I decided that I was going to keep my mouth shut about wedding stuff until our anniversary(2 months away), and if no proposal, sit him down and explain to him that he is wasting my time if he doesn’t want to get married and that he has six months to figure it out. After six months, he gets a walking letter and I pack my bags.
Well, I was super emotional, a little drunk, and I wrote a walking letter on my phone. Not thinking anything of it, I sent it to my ipad and forgot about it the next day. Well he found it on Wednesday. Suddenly he wanted to go on a date and do things he’s never shown interest in.
Since Valentine’s was coming up, I’ve asked him weekly since New Years what the plan was for vday and he said he wanted to go to one of the nicest restaurants in town. Then, he canceled those plans. I kept alluding that I wanted to do something special this year since I spent last vday in the ER(long story). Well Vday came around and I asked him what the plan was and he said he didn’t have any and that I “should just make a reservation somewhere.”
i got dental work this week so I picked Italian, something that I’d have an easier time chewing. i spent 3 hours making him a cute card, I spent 3 hours getting all gussied up and when he gets home from work, he tells me he doesn’t want Italian and that he was tired. I got mad and said “well didi the **** did you tell me to make plans when you didn’t want to do anything?”
then he told me he found the walking letter. I was shocked I didn’t know how to react, but we got in a fight which ended with me not wanting to go anywhere. I had cried most of my makeup off and it was 10pm. Then he decides he wants to to to dinner. So he drags me into the city even AFTER I tell him that this entire area closes at 10pm and makes me walk 20 city blocks in heels trying to find a restaurant that’s still open(none of them) and then has the nerve to blame it on me. He got called into work and I demanded he take me home.
I was feeling like crap. I got no flowers, no card, no date, no “you look nice tonight,” no “happy vday” or anything. So I went to the bar and got wasted beyond belief and had to have a friend drive me home. He found me passed out in the shower and gave me an earfull. I ended up passing out in our guest room and when I woke up, I gave him an earfull And I think I said the worst things I’ve ever said to him.
i just don’t know what to do anymore. i didnt want him to see the letter but at the same time I think it should be on the table now. I didn’t think I would ever have to Do this in a relationship. quite frankly, I get more and more jealous every day of women who never had a chance to feel this worthless, unwanted, and bitter. i guess I could go on for serveral paragraphs more but it boils down to is I don’t know what to do. help?