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Oh honey... you can do whatever you want. I know a gal who got married by the jp 7 years ago this August and for their seven year anniversory are having the wedding of their dreams! Everyone is happy to be apart.
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If I were in your shoes I think I'd have a sweet backyard wedding- still being very girlie - with cupcakes and lemonade and maybe white and pink paper lantern-ey things. Still girlie but small scale- and easy casual.
AND THEN
on your anniversay, whether it be your 1st, 5th or 10th- throw a big wedding and call it vow renewal. And of course you can have a baby and still have a dream wedding- its your wedding and if some poo-poos that idea, then dont invite them to your wedding 
First - congrats on the baby!!
I think you should just JOP it then go out to dinner with your family...then a few years down the road have the wedding of your dreams..that is what I would do..
I agree with beesknees- do something small with just a few people now, and then have a big vow renewal later, if you want. Having a "wedding" several years later would be very strange, especially since I'm guessing the people there would know that you guys have been married, but a vow renewal would be awesome. And congrats on the coming baby! =)
I may be in the minority, but I just think that basically you get one wedding per marriage. So yes, I hate to say it, but I think in this case it's inappropriate. Sure, there are extreme situations in which you could theoretically have a second wedding without it being strange, but I don't think that wanting to qualify for in-state tuition and health insurance benefits is one of them. Just my two cents. (btw, having a child does not preclude a big wedding, in my opinion) I think you should have a small, elegant wedding now, enjoy it, and maybe in five years you can have a big anniversary party (without the vows, and unfortunately, without the dream wedding dress... sorry) If the big wedding is that important to you, then don't get married now. Suck it up and pay the tuition and health insurance (live together so you can reach that one-year mark for domestic partnership ASAP), and plan your big day to your heart's content! Good luck! Congratulations on your pregnancy!
Edited to clarify: If you genuinely are not going to hold yourselves out as married to anyone but the insurance people after the JOP wedding, and won't think of yourselves as "really married," then I have less of an objection to a "real wedding." My problem is with holding yourselves out as married to friends and family, and then having a do-over because you wanted a bigger party. I still think it would be more appropriate to choose one or the other, though.
I believe everything happens for a reason and I'm so happy to hear that you have such a great set of head on your shoulders! The baby is a blessing in disguise, it may be hard to see it right now in the midst of all your plans, but once he/she smiles at you, that's all you need to know you've done the right thing!
As for the order of things....who's to say what is right and what is wrong?! I say, have a small ceremony, say just your parents/siblings and his parents/siblings, have the baby, go to school to pursue your dream even if it just part time and then a year or two from now, you can have the wedding you've always wanted, complete with dress, flowers and maybe even a ringbearer/flowergirl pushed down the aisle!
I believe the most important thing for now is to stay healthy, know your priorities and don't let the idea of "society traditions" get in the way of doing what works best for the both of you! Congrats to you and your BF and best of luck with your newest addition!
CONGRATS ON THE BABY!!
I don't think that's inappropriate at all. We actually went to city hall last year to get married legally and we aren't having our wedding reception for family and friends until this year. We only invited one friend to serve as our witness at city hall. So some of our friends consider us married while others do not.
So yes, I think you can get married legally (just don't have a huge celebration), have the baby, go to nursing school and then years later have your dream wedding (insert huge celebration here). =)
MissBlueBear nailed it, I agree with her. It's entirely up to you, and it makes complete sense to have a civil ceremony to take advantage of the insurance benefits and tuition break.
It sounds like you two are committed to each other since you've bought a house, and had made many long-term plans. You just have to adjust now.
I think the few posters at the beginning assumed you'd be telling everyone about the civil marriage. It's entirely up to you on who you want to tell, btu I don't find it objectionable at all to keep it discreet, then do your big official wedding later. Good luck!
I also think that a small wedding now is probably the right thing. You can have a little ceremony with friends and family, maybe a backyard celebration and a cake-and-punch reception - it doesn't have to be just a run to the courthouse. In a few years you can renew your vows and have a big reception, if you still want that. I would not call your future part a wedding if you are already married - but people certainly throw nice anniversary parties and invite friends and family to witness renewal of their vows. And I say "if you still want that" because my experience is that your priorities change a lot once you have a child. It may be more important to you in a few years to pay off a house or put money in a college fund than throw a big party. I suppose that is why I think its really important to have at least a small wedding now, so that if it doesn't work out for you to have your bigger celebration down the road, you don't feel like you never got anything.
I agree with Tanya.
My brother married his wife last year in a small non-demoninational ceremony - just him, his wife, his best friend, her best friend, my parents and me & my fiance.
They got married so that she could live in Canada with him (she is from the US) They then planned to have a big wedding on their one year anniversary.
I was not for that idea. The distance between their houses was only a half an hour (her in Detroit, him in Windsor, ON, Canada). They did not need to get married the first time. They should have either just waited to live together and had their one wedding. (No, I'm not opposed to living together before marriage - my fiance and I live together).
I just feel like the second wedding is sort of a present/ money grab... that's just my opinion...
Congratulations! I know it's not the order you planned things in, but sometimes life hands us surprises and they can be fantastic, too. =)
As for the big wedding in a few years. I would never do it. And if I were a friend of yours and received an invitation to such a thing, I would think it was stupid. But (unless asked) I would keep my mouth shut and go and have a great time. The glorious thing about free will is that we can do what we want and who cares what anyone else thinks! Know that there are going to be people--maybe your parents, maybe your friends, maybe your inlaws--who aren't really into it and think it's a waste of time & money. But if you know that going into the process and want to do it anyway, then go ahead & have a wonderful time doing it.
I have to say that babies are wonderful and magical creatures of enchantment that tend to suck up most your available time, money, and energy. My future SIL 'eloped' at the courthouse with her Canadian husband and planned to throw a big bash once they had saved up some money. A little less than a year later they are parents with different priorities and ways to spend their money.
I would say if you will alway regret not wearing that dress and having a party do it now. Plan it in a month so you're not quite showing, and you wont have much time obsess over the details and spend cash you don't have and have a wonderful backyard blowout which while may not be your big plan will still be an event you will remember and appreciate. Then years later if you still want the elaborate party do a vow renewal.
To piggyback off of what vyeta7 said, my cousin had the dress of her dream in the wedding she wanted when she was three months pregnant. It's possible, it just takes some smart planning (read: good time management because you're so sleepy in the first trimester).
First - congrats!! That's so exciting!!!
Second, almost the exact same thing happened to a friend of mine (they were just barely engaged, but hadn't yet started planning a wedding when they found out they were pregnant.) They decided to put the wedding on hold until after the baby was born...until she was a little older...until she's a little MORE older...until after they have a second baby...and I'm sure they'll want HIM to get older too...etc.
So I agree, if having a "wedding" is important to you, I would rush and throw SOMETHING together now!! Then throw a big anniversary bash later if you want. But I would try to do as much weddingy stuff as possible now, since there will always be reasons to put it off "just a little more" so you might not get a real chance later.
Also, I agree that having a baby doesn't mean you CAN'T have a big blowout wedding, but if you're already legally married aaand have a baby...it does seem a little redundant. But if you keep the courthouse wedding essentially private and don't refer to each other as "husband" and "wife" then I would see no problem having the real wedding party after you technically made it legal.
Considering that we're eloping in a few weeks and are having a party in September, I say go for it. We'll be married for 6 months before the wedding celebration and people might be confused by that, but they'll get over it. Or if they don't, they don't have to come. :)
I think that planning a wedding with a newborn may be very difficult, so you might want to consider this summer anyway. But don't do it because you think that's the only way to have the party you want.
Congratulations on your baby! :)
I hope this doesn't offend anyone, but I'm in the one wedding per marriage camp. I think nowasays there is way too much emphasis on the wedding and not on the marriage, so if someone is married for a couple of years and then decides to have a "wedding", I think its a little redundant. I think big vow renewal celebrations are awesome, but should be reserved for someone married 25 or 50 years.
It's completely possible to have a beautiful wedding in a short period of time. My absolute favorite knottie bio that Mrs. Bird-of-Paradise posted (katie-Lt-clay) was of a wedding that was put together in less thatn two months because the husband was leaving for military service... you can look at it here: http://www.weddingbee.com/2007/07/04/knottie-bios-of-the-week-75/
Good luck with your decision
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Congrats on the new addition! You must be very excited 
Some rules are made to be broken....do what you want to do!
Thanks everyone for your comments! And keep them coming! These are all good things for me to think about.
One thing I didn't explain at first was that I have relatives all over the nation who would want to come to the wedding (I am the first grandchild and mine would be the first wedding). Therefore, I wouldn't want to have all these people travel so far just for cupcakes and lemonade (nothing against cupcakes, don't get me wrong). I'm pretty sure my grandpa would want there to be a church involved too. All this, and my mother doesn't want to tell all the relatives until I'm at least 12 weeks, not only because of the threat of miscarriage, but she just doesn't want to deal with all the calls from relatives right now (she herself is still in a bit of a shock that her darling daughter is knocked up lol).
So one, I have no idea how my relatives are going to react, and two, if I have a "backyard" wedding and throw it together last minute, there would be a lot of people who would want to come. Not to mention I would not be a very good example to my millions of younger cousins :(
Just some things to think about. I'm so confused!!!!
Definitely understood that your relatives might not want to travel far for cupcakes and lemonade- I was thinking more like just your and FI's immediate families and maybe a handful of friends. On the other hand, would your relatives want to travel for a celebration of a marriage that happened a few years ago?
And as for your grandpa wanting there to be a church involved, I don't know what religion you are, but um, child out of wedlock + marriage needs to be approved of in a house of god? Some churches might frown upon that (I don't!). Just something to consider.
And what does the fact that you might not be a good example have to do with whether you have a wedding now or later? Your child will still be around later, right? So if your mom puts off telling your relatives, and you have a wedding in the future, won't your child be there, and (obviously) have been born before you guys were married?
I can't tell you what's best, but there are just some more things to think about (not that you need it, I'm sure). I would just go for something very small and local now, and do a big fancy vow renewal party later =) Whatever you choose, good luck!
IMHO, agreeing with other posters, things will get stickier if you don't have your wedding sooner than later. just as a gentle reminder - every bride wants certain things for her wedding, but a lot of the times we end up with an entirely different animal than what we envisioned - this is just the realities of wedding planning
you don't have to have a "backyward wedding" - although they can be beautiful too. you just have to be creative =).
also, don't worry about your cousins... you're being responsible about your baby so that's a good example too.
Congrats on the baby!!
I agree with all commenters who mentioned that you can have your fabulous dream wedding now, with no need to wait. I've known many pregnant brides who have had wonderful, thoughtful, beautiful weddings. In my honest opinion as a married woman, I look back on my wedding and although it was beautiful and even a little extravegant, the one thing that stands out to me was having all of my loved ones with us on the big day. Nothing else is as important. I vote for planning your big bash ASAP. :-)
That said, best of luck with everything!
Awww. CONGRATS on the pregnancy! :-)
You can do whatever you feel comfortable with. But keep in mind that planning for a baby, a new school, and a "dream" wedding can be very overwhelming and stressful!
Personally, I wouldn't be able to handle all of those big changes and events. I'd go for a city hall ceremony and an intimate dinner with close family and friends in the area. And then a big vow renewal bash later!
My photographer recently blogged about a city hall wedding that he shot. It looked like so much fun!
Grr. I realize i can't spell. I meant to say "extravagant" not "extravagent". Please excuse my lunchtime food coma.
Oh, and small, intimate weddings can be just as beautiful as a big bash! :)
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I wonder if you are being more than a little influenced by what your familiy wants, and its apparent incompatibility with your current condition. Your mom doesn't want to tell anyone you're pregnant. Your grandfather wants you to have a church wedding. The dress you already picked out is not a maternity dress. Clearly the vision you had of your wedding needs to change at least a little, and I think that's true for your family as well. I hope that you are not deciding to put off the big party because of some personal and/or joint embarrassment over your situation (example to the cousins). Because you (and your mother) shouldn't think that nobody will talk in 3 years or so when you and your apparent FI marry, with perhaps your apparently born-out-of-wedlock child as the flower girl or ring bearer. People who are prone to pointing fingers will do so, now or later.
There are a lot of lovely empire-waist style bridal gowns now - that would look lovely on a pregnant bride. People who really want to be with you on your big day are not travelling for the fabulous dinner - and therefore I think they would be as likely to travel for the chance to wish you well over cake and punch, or perhaps a simple family reunion type picnic lunch. If you really want your wedding, I feel like you should try to accept your changed circumstances and go ahead and plan something that works NOW. I am sure it will be lovely.
I completely agree with suzanno. . .
" I feel like you should try to accept your changed circumstances and go ahead and plan something that works NOW."
I think the baby, congrats btw, was unexpected and you should just roll with the punches so to speak and still get married. Wedding dresses can be adjusted or tailored etc. to fit even if you are pregnant.
If you just had a civil ceremony and then got married later that would be fine if no one knew (I know someone who is technically married but waiting until the venue etc is ready for having the wedding and they are being quiet about their status). Unfortunately if you have a civil ceremony and then a baby and people ask if you are married and you say yes, you can't then expect to have a big wedding a year or two later. It is all about how you "hold yourself out" so to speak. I agree with the others on vow renewals- they are for couple who have been together a long tim- not one or two years. . .
Personally, if I got pregnant I would want to get married before the baby. If I had a dream i mind - I would follow through with my dream wedding and readjust for pregnancy. Of course in the end its your choice.
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Without question - your relatives should come to your wedding because they want to be there to experience it with you, not for the food being served, or even the grandness of the party. If they won't come because you are choosing to have a simpler wedding, then they shouldn't be there anyway. You need to surround yourself with the people that are supportive and positive in your plans. Marriage, home-ownership and becoming a parent are all hard enough without having to try and please everyone and meet their expectations.
In the same way that your engagement plans changed when you decided to buy the house, your wedding plans are changing now that you are going to be parents. I think if it were me, I would plan a wedding for this summer, in whatever capacity I can afford and accomodate, and maybe only invite close family and friends (to help with cost) and celebrate this wonderful time of your iife. No matter how much money or time you have, your wedding always is whatever it ends up being. Marry for love and family, not for insurance, money or tuition or a big party. There are always things you will want to have done or had - but wanting what you already have is the key to real happiness.
Congratulations and good luck!
I agree with those who opined to have a wedding now. You can plan a lot in 2-3 months and you still won't be showing if you pick the right dress. Ok, so maybe you had a "dream dress", but maybe you wouldn't have even liked it in the end if you put it on. So just pick one you like and fits you with baby and all.
As for "relatives wanting to come", everybody loves to go to weddings, they are fun, they are happy but in the end you have to draw the line somewhere. I would put together small-ish elegant wedding for immediate family and friends, say 40ppl, get married and call it a day.
While I have nothing against two ceremonies ( some of my friends got married twice - one JOP in the USA, second time few months later in their home country - they were all international couples) I would feel cheated if I was a guest at the wedding where the couple pretends to be getting married, when really they've already been married for a few years. In the end though, it's your life and you should do whatever feels right for you. Regardsless of people's approval.
1. Get marry in a civil ceremony or wait until baby is delivered
2. Have the baby
3. Have your wedding ceremony together with the baptism of your child
This is what couples in Europe usually do when facing a similiar situation
I am in the same boat! Well, my fiance proposed to me a week before we found out I was pregnant but I can totally relate to all of the pressure and everyone telling you what you should and shouldn't do, what's appropriate and what isn't. We decided to move our wedding forward but really that's because I don't want to be 8 months pregnant in the middle of the summer and trying to pretend I am not miserably uncomfortable and exhausted!
I say you should do what you want to do. I you want to have a small jp get together and later a bigger wedding, then do it. That said, if I were in your shoes, with school and health care benefits to stress about, I would want to be somewhat practical about the whole thing. If waiting to tie the know makes more financial sense, then I would do that. Because heaven knows the finances are going to be tight with a new baby and you in school!
In all, I say good for you. For having the strength to be true to yourself and true to your love. Good luck!!!
Congrats on your pregnancy, you're in for a wonderful world of happiness!
I say do the small wedding that mom suggests, I know you have these huge dreams but with the baby coming, and you've just bought a new home - I assume like most, you can't afford to buy a ton of baby things and a ton of new house things. The gifts from your family and friends would be a big help. Not to mention the support and love and the opportunity to have the great "All about Us" moment before it's "All About Baby" - and trust me that will be needed!
Plus after the baby comes you will find that life isn't as "planable" as it was before and you very well could just keep putting it off, and putting it off. Which is what happened to me and my daughters dad, eventually it just became something we couldn't afford, something for our little girl was always just more important.
Take the "you" time, make it as beautiful as you can in your new situation. Look at it this way, the baby is coming and it's not how you planned but you're adjusting and making life great and turning it into a dream come true - do it with the wedding too. You can be girly girl still!
Congrats again!
i totally got pregnant before we were to get married, too! we did the crazy thing and organized a wedding in a miraculous 2 months or something. it was a nice elegant (but dull and pricey) affair (luckily both sets of parents have money), but looking back, i wish i had done something CRAZY like get married in VEGAS to make it official and then have a more thought-out ceremony and reception that really represented US after the baby and once we felt we were ready.
so do what i wished we did and get married in vegas! have a fun and crazy time there, take pictures at the drive-through wedding (what great memories that would make) and get your marriage license there. have your beautiful baby and then take your time to have the wedding of your dreams.
congratulations on your baby!!! i have the most beautiful lil boy and life is so much fuller with him. best wishes!
I think you are correct in thinking you should save the money for your child. Your child could care less if you wore your dream wedding dress when you're working 2 jobs to put food on the table, pay off student loans and they're eating pizza for dinner 3 times a week. As soon as you decided to keep your child everything changed and that most definetly includes your dream day plans. You owe it to your unborn child to get health insurance anyway you can and get that degree.
You haven't mentioned anything about what your boyfriend wants btw.
my fiance's brother and sil did the waiting game (waiting for the baby to get older to make it official, they essentially waited 4 years)...they got married two years ago (the baby is now 6-7). I thought it was a lovely wedding and my fniece was lovely as the flower girl! No one presence at the wedding judged them for doing so out of order! and it was a lovely wedding they got to share with thair daughter...they made a second daughter that night..i will have two nieces!
So if you decide to wait, no reasons you can't do so and it'll be just as sweet later. But if you have the money, i say go through with the wedding now and have the wedding of your dream. You're going to find reasons not to go through with the wedding later on. Bottom line, do what you and your fiance feel is right for you and your new family! The wedding day is essentially just one day..your marriage and your child is way more important. Good luck!
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I'm new to this site, and this topic may have already been discussed. If so please direct me to the right place!
My boyfriend and I bought a house and we are moving in together in May. He had been saving to buy me a ring and propose, but we needed some extra money for the down payment and I told him to use the ring money (there will be time to get engaged later i thought). I will be going to nursing school in the fall for a year and we had talked about having the wedding after i graduate, in 2010 sometime.
ALL WAS WELL UNTIL... i forgot to take a few birth control pills and now i'm 7 weeks pregnant. I'm due Oct. 30. We are keeping the baby (since we wanted to have kids together eventually and now we're just going a little out of order). Right now i'm covered under my health insurance at work, but if I want to quit my job and go to nursing school in the fall as planned, we will need to have a civil marriage so I can be on his insurance. His company does allow domestic partners to be on the employees health insurance, but you have to prove you have lived together for a year already, which we won't have. Plus if we get married I would qualify for in state tuition at the university i'm going to (which would be great because right now i don't!). However, having a baby may force me to only start part-time in the fall, or wait until January to start school.
My mother thinks I should have a small wedding this summer before the baby is born and just get it over with. But I, being the girly girl I am, have all these wonderful plans and ideas for a huge wedding. I even have my dress picked out that I want, and it does not have room for a pregnant belly. Plus I want to save all the money we have right now for the baby, and not worry about planning a wedding. In the end, I just don't want to compromise my dream wedding!
Would it be innapropriate to have a civil marriage/justice of the peace this summer, and then have a big wedding bash in a few years? Are you not supposed to have a big wedding if you've already had a child? I was thinking I would not change my last name until the big wedding, and not have a religious ceremony until them (if any religion still wants me hehe) to make it special.