Accidentally pressuring him :(

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
720 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I think we’re all guilty of this (or at least I definitely am). I wouldn’t beat yourself up over it – it doesn’t sound like he was really upset about it. Now that you know it may be making him feel a *little* bit pressured, be more aware of when and how you bring up getting engaged and/or married.

My SO used to get really defensive when I would bring up getting engaged. I knew he was feeling pressured, so I shut up about it completely. Now that he’s actually ready to propose, he doesn’t get angry (he joins in!) when I bring up the subject. He now even brings up certain things on his own.

The key, I think, is moderation. Bringing this kind of stuff up all the time IS going to make a guy feel pressured, whether that’s your intention or not. In your case, it doesn’t sound like he wants or needs you to shut up completely about it, but I would just be careful about how often you bring it up. Let him bring the subject up the next time. Until he does, I’d keep quiet about it. Show him that you listened to what he had to say on the topic and that you respect his wishes.

Post # 4
Member
1312 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@LadyBlackheart:  It’s hard to contain the excitement! I think what helps is confiding in a close friend. Whenever I see something wedding-related (like my dream wedding shoes) that I wish I could share, I just show it to my best friend. Same for waiting worries. Instead of nagging SO or expressing my worries to him, I just moan to my best friend. It’s easier than quashing all engagement thoughts completely.

Post # 6
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Unless you flat out start a convo avout naming your future kids or start pulling out wedding dress magazines and asking him if he prefers ballgowns or mermaids, I’m sure he’ll be fine!

Post # 7
Member
1312 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@LadyBlackheart:  Haha then I guess you can just vent on here! Or write emails to yourself. Honestly you’re probably not even bringing it up that often. Guys just have like tunnel mind when it comes to engagement and marriage stuff. They hear you say something once and it turns into “but you’re always talking about it.” “:P

Post # 8
Member
1018 posts
Bumble bee

@LadyBlackheart:  I don’t think he’s understanding “pressured” the same way you’re understanding it. You’re afraid to feel like you’ve nagged and brow beat him into proposing. (Which you have not done at all in the slightest, btw) and he is saying he felt “pressured” as in he knows he wants to, he knows he will, but the little comments just REMIND him like “oh hey yeah, I’m going to be doing that sometime” and then maybe a little scared thinking that you’re expecting it immediately.

In other words, I think he is putting pressure on himself a little bit (what guy doesn’t when thinking about proposals) and your comments just remind him of that pressure.

By reading your conversation he seems genuinelly calm and not upset by it at all and you seemed very rational and it all sounded fine to me.

On a side note: My SO said (regarding the subject of pressure) that no amount of pressure could make him propose unless he already wanted to. So don’t ever feel like you pressured him into it!

Post # 9
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - Bristol zoo

This is why I joined the shut it up pact 🙂 even though I was already trying not to bring up any big questions and was definitely trying to stay away from pressuring him, all those little comments quickly mount up. I was also making them far far more than I was aware, so now I’m encouraging myself to monitor what I say and really say “no” to myself when a wedding comment pops into my brain (which is far more often than I’d like to admit). 

MostlyI think it’s giving BF a little space to think about things on his own (and it’ll be even sweeter if he ever brings up the topic unprompted) and I’m more focused on what I’m enjoying now 🙂 rather than steering the conversation to some dream day in the future

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