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My husband has been known to say (all to often), "Yes, Mom!", when responding to something I've said. I can see why he thinks I'm being overly Motherly. There have been times when I'm gone for the day, I have to remind him to make himself something to eat. I even have to go so far as to tell him how easy I've made it for him to just assemble a sandwhich, or put the tupperware in the microwave. He claims he doesn't need that reminder- but he's gone all day without eating if I'm not there, like he's my toddler or something. For the most part he appreciates my nuturing nature, but sometimes he gets annoyed. There are times where he views it as being condescending (sometimes I totally am, not gonna lie, but he's such a airhead sometimes!) I'm trying to me more conscious of it, and stop myself before I say anything.
I think thats part of being a wife personally. Guys need girls in their life (wife or mother) to let them know whats up!
Yeah, sometimes I feel the need to take care of him, especially when it comes to eating because his choices are so unhealthy when left unedited. However, I don'T do his laundry or clean up after him. We each do our own laundry and share cleaning duties quite well.
Haven't you heard that married men live longer than single men? How do you think it's possible? It's because of the 'gentle reminders' that we give them (oh no, I did not hear someone use the word 'nag') Anyhow, yes, I do that. But then it depends, I sometimes, well, actually, a lot of times I do step away and let him look, dress and act how he wants to. Hello? He's older than I am and he managed to keep himself alive and function for years before he met me.
I "nag" the hubbers all the time, telling him I feel like his mom. They guy only has 2 real consistant chores, clean your bathroom (yes, he technically has his own bathroom. He shaves and cuts his own hair in there, so there is always hair everywhere) and take out the trash (although he usually does his own laundry too). Why I need to remind him to take the trash out when it's obviously overflowing is beyond me. But just as he probably hates to be "nagged", I hate doing it. Don't get me wrong, he does sometimes surprise me by vacumning or putting the dishes away (I usually notice right away that he does this and praise him), but I just wish he would help out more often...without me telling him to.
I always tell people that I think the secret reason society wants us to get married before having kids is because having a husband is pretty dang close to having a child.
Granted, I only have a husband and not a child, but still, I can definitely see the similarities :)
I HATE HATE HATE to nag. Growing up my mom was a huge nag and it annoys me to no end. I don't like having to nag my husband to do things, but he tells me that it doesn't bother him and he needs me to keep reminding him what to do if I want it to get done.
We've recently started a system of me putting sticky notes on the remote with what he needs to do so that he can't forget!!
I think the line of wife/mom gets blurred sometimes for sure!
IMO wife and mother used to be way too close in the past so I too try hard to stick to what I define as the appropriate wife non mother role.
If its a very important meeting - yup I'd remind him about his shirt. But for an important meeting he'd probably remember himself. On an everyday basis - he's an adult - he managed to hold down a job and do well for himself before he ever met me - it is his choice.
Also, since his boss commented he'll probably pay more attention now all on his own.
I think taking on the mother role has an unfortunate side effect of lack of respect - children can't take care of themselves - it is not okay with me if I'm treated like a child or if my FI is treated like a child. Respect is very important to me in my relationship.
I couldn't respect him if I didn't think he was a basically competent human being.
I'm totally baffled by how some women move in with a man who has lived alone for 5-10 years and suddenly think that without them taking care of him he'll starve etc. (Not saying anyone here is that extreme - but I've seen it).
Ladies... didn't you know "NAG" is an acronym? It stands for "Necessary Advice Giving." 
@Queenbecca- LOL 100 times over! I feel the same way. Women complain all the time how their man doesn't do XYZ but at the same time, when he is so used to you doing everything, how is he supposed to know better?
I can't stand nagging. I try not to do it anymore but instead I just let things pile up (which gets gross sometimes) until he does something. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, as they say.
I'm big on letting him stand and fall on his own. I guess I do some momly *but i'd also say wifely* things like i do all of our grocery shopping, cooking, and laundry. But I don't iron for him. I don't remind him to do x or y unless it is important to me. if he wants to be wrinkled he can be wrinkled. if he wants to forget to call his parents it is on him not me.
@jennifer_espos: seriously are we twins or what?! i couldn't have described myself any different! down to the assembling of the sandwich... LOL
one of the reasons we work so well together is that FI likes the spoiling and i like dishing it out... i've created my own monster tho! :P and of course he wants the nurturing for the things he wants it for... and when it's not... it's the "YES MOM" "YES BOSS" response. :P
i'm def workin on not being controlling, condescending, or overly nurturing. he is a grown ass man after all.
@nyebride: I've tried this (if you can't beat 'em, join 'em), but him having facial hair ALL over the bathroom that our guests sometimes use is just disgusting and he apparently doesn't think so. :oP I'll nag the hell out of him to clean it up, before I will. ;o)
@QueenBecca037: I'm big on the "honey do" lists too. I often leave them for him on the computer so he sees them first thing in the morning. They work 80% of the time. ;o)
@missjyc- that's too funny! We do tend to have a lot in common! I think I've created a monster too. I enjoy taking care of him to a certain extent, but then there are things that I feel he should have down... like putting his laundry away! :)
Last night my husband said, "You're going to be a great mother". I hope he's right, but it was just his clever way of getting me to stop being motherly at that moment.
I'm big on "keeping it real" if my SO starts walking out the door looking like a hot mess- then I tell him.
There is this guy at my office who never shaves or irons his shirt and I always wonder why his wife won't say anything to him. I know it bothers our boss, so at what cost is she "letting him be big boy?" IMHO- nagging is love- as long as you keep annoyance to a minimum.
This is a good point. I know that as a wife, I'll want to take care of my husband (now FI). How do we stop that loving care from turning into motherly care?
i'm on the other side of this. my hubby acts like such a dad sometimes! i like that he cares about me, but i think it's the tone that he uses that pushes it over that edge.
Yeah I'm on the other side too - my FI is super nurturing, he's the cleaner, the cooker and the nagger. I have never used an iron in my life and think they're useless - FI will make me take off clothes so he can iron them before I leave the house some mornings.
I'm with artbee and sahsabahs! The part of the Lady Gaga song where she sings, "But her boyfriend's like a dad, just like a dad," secretly makes me think of DH! He doesn't nag me but the way he is always reminding me to pick up after myself is a little paternal, haha.
I guess I am lucky, my husband is very independent and has always cooked/cleaned/groomed himself without any help from me. Sometimes he will do something silly like leave his socks on the living room floor, and then we have a running joke where I will comment on "how much I love his new modern art installation!" and he will say "it is called 'Socks on Carpet' and it is part of his latest sculpture series on the human condition." So we just have fun with it that way :)
I'm lucky too I guess. My husband is super independent and responsible and cleans more than I do. (But I cook every night and shop for groceries) We both do our own laundry and put away our own. He has never forgotten to take out the trash and he does dishes every night! I do nag him sometimes though over little things. :)
I think it's just part of being a wife, unless you're one of the lucky girls whose DH does everything in the house. Most of the time they'll just "assume" something is clean/ironed/washed and when you say something they'll be like "what? what's wrong with it?" We just have to act like mothers, just dont overdo it :)
I'm lucky in that my husband does most domestic labor without my having to remind him. Part of that is chance, we're both pretty neat'n'tidy people who like having the dishes washed, bed made, etc., but the other has to do with how he was raised, I think. He had a fair amount of responsibility for his younger siblings growing up, and learned pretty early on how to do things that I think lots of men aren't ever called to figure out because a mom or a sister or a girlfriend always does them.
Having said that, I do get on him sometimes about eating habits and what he wears to work.
I think part of being a wife is acting like a Mom. Women are maternal by nature and quite frankly men need some kind of motherly figure in their lives so it's just natural.
I am maternal to DH in the sense that I am always sort of running the household, making sure there's food in the fridge, thinking ahead. But luckily I never need to do any of the everyday nagging I hear about in other relationships. DH is extremely neat and clean for a boy and goes out of his way to help out with all the tasks he sees me tackling. I also usually avoid nagging by telling him way in advance when we need to shop for something or that he needs to do something that he may not want to do so he gets used to the idea. Then when it comes time to do it, it's done and I don't need to nag.
I think it's really personality dependent. I was the baby of the family and my mom wasn't good about making us do chores. I did some, but not all, and not with any consistency. Now when I went to college I managed to clean for myself, but living together, I have let my husband pick up a lot of my slack :) He was raised with a lot of chores and just simply does them. I agonize a little bit.
So I don't think it's gender dependent when it comes to the big baby in the relationship :)
@artbee: I know what you mean sometimes. In the beginning of our relationship I told my FI that I believe the role of the man is to tell the woman what to do. Obviously not to be controlling but to give me helpful reminders about things sometimes and to help us make hard decisions.
Sometimes I don't like his tone or how he tells me the most annoying father-like things to do. But I guess there isn't much I can do about it. I usually don't mind helping him out with stuff.
My FH has an AWFUL memory-- I mean, it's terrible. So I leave him post-its. The other day, I had three different post-its right next to each other, but it works for us, because I nag less.
I also started to realize certain things that I would nag him about (taking out the trash, taking the trash cans out to the alley on trash day, picking up the dog 'doo') were things that I could just as easily do myself. So now, when I do nag him, he listens more because I think he realizes that it's something I can't really take care of myself.
So I try to stick to the (future) wife role, and if I feel like something I want to say is too motherly, I just won't say it.
My husband is forgetful too. I have to tell him over and over about things that I need him to remember!
I think it's more a "woman" thing than a "mom" or "wife" thing (not that I think it's a woman's place to do all the cleaning, cooking, etc. but just that we tend to be more consious of that stuff than guys, generally speaking). For us, I ALWAYS pick up my husband's dirty clothes off the floor, because otherwise they'd be on the floor all time and it would bother me :-), but it just takes a minutes so I don't mind. I also do most of the cleaning and cooking (and all the laundry), though my husband grocery shops fairly often and cooks sometimes. I tend to let him take care of his appearance and only a couple times have I hinted that perhaps he should put on something cleaner/dressier, or shave. And I used to make his lunch every day but he takes care of that himself more now.
@ribbons: I completely agree! Things are very similar in our home.
We actually have a really equal relationship where we both get the hosehold responsibilities done, both take turns doing laundry and putting everything away...it's great. I don't have to nag, my fiance just gets things done - we help each other! I didn't realize how rare that was until reading this thread....i'll have to be sure to keep our healthy dynamic going!
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Yesterday DH got in the car and said his boss said his shirt was really wrinkled. "Did you sleep in it last night?" she asked. Which got me thinking...he's a big boy right, he chooses what he wears to work and decides whether they need to be ironed (I've seen him iron maybe twice in our relationship and it was nice dress shirts). It used to drive me nuts his clothes would be so wrinkled but over time, I don't let it get to me sometimes.
Sometimes I catch myself being motherly, sometimes too motherly and I have to take a step back. He can clean his bathroom, yes, it's gross but he can clean it.
Are there situations where you catch yourself being motherly? Or do you have a list in your head where there's a line between being motherly or being a wife?