Addicted, Broke, and the Love of My Life

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1888 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@notgreatatnames:  Run!  Don’t delay the wedding, don’t even think about having a weddin until if/when he gets his act together for longer than a week.  He needs help, serious help, more than you could give him.  You’re sucked into all his problems and a wedding/marriage is only going to make things worse at this time.  Why are you still saying you’ll have the wedding to everyone?  If you worry that they’ll be disappointed if you cancel it, think of how much you’ll be showing them that you deserve better by taking a stand and saying no this isn’t right and I deserve better.  Don’t worry about the dress, it’ll save.  Talk to the photographer about options.

You’d only be crazy if you went through with it.  You deserve way better than that.

Post # 4
Member
2576 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@notgreatatnames:  Uh, not to sound harsh, but yes. You are being crazy. Weddings/marriage shouldn’t even be on the radar with this guy. Alcoholism and deadbeatness are TWO huge dealbreakers for many people in relationships. I say this with the utmost respect, but why are you with this guy?

Post # 5
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@notgreatatnames:  I’m thinking of delaying our wedding indefinitely until he pays off his debt and is sober for a year.

I think that is an excellent idea.  But are you also willing to leave him if doesn’t stay sober?  Otherwise you are potentially going to spend the next indefinite number of years waiting for him to decide he has a disease that he needs to take seriously and/or get treatment for.

Living with an alcoholic is tough.  Once the drinking is interferring with your ability to keep a job and pay your bills/debts, it’s a major problem that needs to be addressed.  Do you see yourself having kids someday?  Do you want them to have an alcoholic father?

It sounds like you are pretty unhappy in the relationship and I think it’s fair for you to put an expiration date on it unless he straighens up and can stay sober for at least a year.

Post # 6
Member
565 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

OH where to start? First off, this guy can’t be helped unless HE wants to be helped. It sounds like he is perfectly content to laze around and stay drunk, while you support him. 

Just because you told him he wasn’t going to drink in the new house, doesn’t mean he could help it. If he’s truly an alcoholic, he can’t stop himself just because someone said he should. 

The least you should be worrying about her is an engagement ring or a wedding. Run, fast and far, away from him.  Get into counseling to find out why you are so attracted to someone like this. I am a nurturer myself, and it’s gotten me into some bad relationships in the past. 

Don’t let him take advantage of you any longer. And for the love of Jesus, don’t get pregnant. Chances are you aren’t going to see a penny out of him until HE decides to fix himself.

Post # 7
Member
866 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@notgreatatnames:  Um, do not marry this man anytime soon.  He shouldn’t be living with you either.  This is one giant, co-dependant mess.  I sympathize with your situation but he needs serious help.  And, I will tell you right now, quitting drink is like comitting to a diet.  Unless you really want it for YOU, it isn’t gonna happen.  Even when he is “quitting” he is half a** and still drinkinh 1-2 drink per night.  I am not trying to be harsh but this is only going to get worse.  Stop going into debt and wasting your life so this man can be a drunk on your dime.

Post # 8
Member
1465 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Are you being crazy? Really? Yes.

I could barely make it through the post without really obvious questions running through my head: why would you date an alcoholic? Why would you date a man with close to no income? Why would you date someone who doesn’t care about his dog? Why did you let him move in with you? WHY DID YOU SAY YES WHEN HE ASKED YOU TO MARRY HIM? Why did you buy a SECOND house? Did you think he would really stop drinking? Did you think he would help on the bills, ever? Where does he even get the money to drink? Why did you think his debt would suddenly be important to him?

The answer to all: You’re crazy. Don’t marry him.

Post # 9
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@notgreatatnames:  I think you would be crazy *to* marry him right now!  He obviously needs help – but does he want to get better?  You providing him a home and all necessaries $ free just allows him to continue his behavior and see it as “OK” with you.  I’d cut off financial support, out of love, and try to work with him to get into a recovery program.  

Also, you said “we” have not done that regarding keeping your new home as a sober location. What did you mean by that?  Are you drinking with him, or did you just mean that, as a couple, his drinking invalidated the “rules” you both set?

Post # 10
Member
8426 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@notgreatatnames:  Gotta agree with the other PPs, marrying this guy is crazy.  What happens when his business ultimately fails, will you be the one paying for his drinking habit?  Whatever problems you bring into your marriage will only amplify once you’re married.

Post # 11
Member
2696 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

If you marry him, I would think you are insane. He’s totally  comfortable being a drunk and doesn’t care if it hurts you. LOVE ISN’T ENOUGH. You need to leave.

Post # 12
Member
4641 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@notgreatatnames:  I think you have no idea what alcoholism actually is. It’s a disease and people who are suffering from it, battle it for their entire lives. It does not mean go from 7 drinks to 2 a night, it means go from 7 to zero for the rest of your life.

I know two alcoholics, one gives his absolute everything to be sober and his sobriety means the world to him. He works hard at it and because of that, maintains it. The other is a victim of his disease and despite multiple attempts to stop (with help from rehab, because you don’t just stop being an alcoholic) does not put in the work necessary to live a sober life and is therefore, still drinking.

You’ve communicated to a very sick person that you’re ok with his disease, he has no incentive to get help or address his issues because you’re enabling him. You’ve moved forward with him despite this serious, serious problem and you still intend to move forward without him going to rehab. If you really love this guy as much as you claim to, you need to stop your wedding planning and day dreaming and help him to address his disease. This is only going to get worse.

Post # 13
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@MrsM914:  plus a million!

 

OP, getting yourself into therapy is a great idea to figure out why you’d accept such shit for your life!

Post # 14
Member
8593 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

Is this real??  WHY on earth do you want to marry him?

You didn’t list any good qualities or any positives to him.

Post # 15
Member
364 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

My last bf was an alcoholic, and it is SO SO SO difficult!  I am so thankful that we are no longer together.  I do understand how hard it is.  I truly did love him, he was a great person and we were great together, but being with an alcoholic is HARD!  I am so happy to say that he is sober now and living a great life that he was meant to.  I have also met someone who is perfect for me.  I really can’t imagine my life had I stayed with my ex, I am so happy and thankful that I got off that roller coaster.  I really don’t think you should marry him until he is sober and back on the right path.

Post # 16
Member
1548 posts
Bumble bee

@notgreatatnames:  I’m sry if this sounds harsh but I think u r being an enabler. Your his crutch. The more u accept his behavior the worse it will get. He doesn’t need a wife right now he needs help with his addiction. I feel for both of you as this situation is hard he is sick and you love him. Does he even want to get better? If the answer is no you have to walk away but if it is yes he needs to check into rehab and really STOP all drinking.

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