Adjusting to being engaged

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Did you struggle emotionally with getting engaged?
    Yes! : (43 votes)
    29 %
    No, you're a crazy person : (104 votes)
    71 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    132 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: December 2015

    My situation is a bit different from yours. I’m an encore bride. But I did want us to get engaged. We had been together for 5 1/2 years before he proposed. The proposal was a surprise. I was in shock and having panic attacks about it for about 6 weeks afterwards.

    We are very happy. I love being engaged. I feel more confident of his feelings. And we are happily making wedding plans. We have a venue, I have bought my shoes and dress. But I am still terrified of actually being remarried.

    We have lived apart for all of our relationship due to his 50-50 time with his children. The idea of sharing my house and losing some of my independence is terrifying me. And the fear of another divorce terrifies me… not that I think we will end up divorced.

    Post # 4
    Member
    2162 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    For me, I really, really wanted to be engaged. I was surprised when he proposed because we had argued a little that it was too soon so I stopped expecting it…so I knew it was coming but I didn’t know it was coming so fast, lol.

    I definitely had a hard time adjusting to being engaged. I felt just like you do…like our issues had to be addressed now before we’re stuck with each other forever. Every little thing that I would normally not care about suddenly seemed huge. I started to worry about things that were hidden in my past that would change the way he viewed me if he ever found out about them. I worried about how attractive I was to him and to other men…I worried that I was less attractive to him because I’d be the only woman he’d have for the rest of his life, I worried that other men would find me less attractive because I’d be someone’s nagging old lady, I worried that I’d be attracted to other men a few years from now …I put myself through hell worrying about all the possible scenarios.

    At first it felt like these feelings would never go away. I was always mad at FI for his tiny imperfections (that I was originally in love with, that I’m STILL in love with) and I even considered leaving him, haha! Then the feelings kind of faded, then they came back, and it kind of ebbed and flowed for a few months. Those feelings are completely gone now! I hope they are gone for good. We’re getting married in June, after an engagement that will be a little more than two years, and I’m not worried at all.

    Soooo…I think you’re ok. I think that if you were happy before you were engaged, then you don’t need to be closer to him emotionally. You guys were doing what worked for you and it doesn’t have to be any different now!

     

    Post # 5
    Member
    86 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    Oh thank God! I thought I was the only one. Yes I struggled pretty hard–and I knew myself well enough to know that before getting engaged, which is why I wanted a long engagement. Now I feel totally normal but the first couple of months were really weird for me.

    Post # 6
    Hostess
    7630 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2013

    Do you want to get married? There’s nothing wrong with being in a committed relationship and not getting married. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    4698 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @gettin_marrid:  I didn’t, but what you’re feeling is a normal reaction to that sudden feeling of permanence. It passes for most people. (“Cold feet.”) I’m not sure what to suggest but trying to keep calm and wait it out is probably the best. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    14 posts
    Newbee

    @gettin_marrid:  I recently got engaged, quit my job, & moved to a different state to be with my fiancé! I was stressed for a month before moving because I didn’t know how hard my parents were going to take it and if I was going to be homesick. I’m happy to report that I was ready for all this. I moved in with my fiancé and we are now more secure because we are a family And we want the same things in life. We don’t fight like we used to because so much of our communication was over the phone. I think if you’re really stressed you need to ask yourself are these things really a big deal or not? Do I think I’m getting bugged because this is a huge life changing moment and I’ve put him under the microscope for no reason?

    If you are losing sleep and need help figuring it out why not see a therapist? You could go solo just to share your thoughts and fears and maybe after a few sessions ask your fiancé to join you. 

    Post # 11
    Hostess
    7630 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2013

    @gettin_marrid:  Haha I would give it some time. Like I said before, if you don’t want to get married, that’s fine. But maybe you’re just having some trouble adjusting to the idea. I know sometimes it can be scary. Yesterday it was annoying that he threw his socks on the floor. Today you have a meltdown because there are going to be socks on the floor FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?! I think we’ve all been there, it’s a big change! Try not to freak yourself out, give yourself the time to think everything over and let it all sink in. Put off wedding planning for now. You’ll know what’s right in time. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    132 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: December 2015

    I think it’s good to go in with your eyes wide open, rather than all dreamy, thinking that everything is going to always be perfect and a bed of roses. I seem to be mixing my metaphors…

    It’s okay to have a little freak out. As long as, at the end of the day, you want to be with the man you are engaged to for the rest of your life.

    My FI and I both own our own places, and will largely keep our finances separately, with prenups etc. As I said, we are an older couple. So that gives me a feeling of independence, i guess. My problem is that circumstances have led me to be a person who has spent a lot of time doing things by myself. It is going to be challenging to have a husband around all the time again…

     

    Post # 14
    Member
    14 posts
    Newbee

    @gettin_marrid:  ha! I’m new to weddingbee and didn’t see your full message. Sorry! Well, I will say that something I’ve learned from relationships is that “the way you say things will either help the relationship or not.” I would just say, “honey, I’d appreciate it if you organized a few boxes when you have time this week” something of that nature. I don’t know if you’re hoping he’d read your mind 🙂 or if he’s used to you doing everything. You’ll just need to train him and when he does something praise him for it! Sounds corny, but it’s true…. Guys love praise! 

     

    And yes, double standards when it comes to therapy! Haha… Girls love to share!!

    Post # 15
    Member
    2581 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2014 - UK

    @gettin_marrid:  I really struggled with getting engaged, I had an awful lot of anxiety about it and I felt really quite sick.

    I’d had absolutely no warning it was coming, it was a complete surprise, and honestly it was the relationship equivalent of having a piano dropped on me.

    But I got over it in a couple of weeks when I realised that nothing had changed between my FH and I – our relationship was still exactly the same, so I was able to settle back into it.

    Post # 16
    Member
    451 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @gettin_marrid:  I figured we’d just date forever or until something drove us apart but now I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’m signing up for being with him NO MATTER WHAT and it’s a difficult adjustment.

     

    Have you ever asked yourself why you were so okay with the idea of ending the relationship at some point? Maybe you’re having this freakout because you don’t actually love him, and therefore you have no desire to share your life with him?

     

    Also, it sounds like you were preparing yourself to end the relationship when he proposed, based on the following sentence:
     
    I often said that I felt like after 5 years of dating we were in this really good place where we were moving apart as a couple and regaining some of the independence we had sacrificed in the earlier years of the relationship.
     
    It seems that you two are on completely different pages as to where the relationship is going and where you are emotionally. If you do end things with him… at least you will have learned the valuable lesson of discussing these things before the relationship gets serious. Whilst some people are okay with just dating forever without any serious commitment, that’s not the case for the majority of people.

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