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Damn, that sucks. I dont' think they should have turned down your invite, given the circumstances. And I do agree, that friendships change when you have babies, and the other person doesn't. We have lost touch with most of our friends who have kids now, just because we mostly can't relate. Maybe talk to them and let them know your concerns, and maybe they will be able to see it from your point of view, and take you up on your offer
I actually felt this way a bit when my sister got pregnant, so you're not alone! Things did change, that's just the way it is, but somehow everyone adjusts. Your relationship will be different, but hopefully it will be just as good once everyone gets used to it :)
I totally understand how it might feel like a personal front that they turned down your invite, but truthfully, it probably has nothing to do with you. Even if they had been trying for a long time, actually finding out your pregnant can be huge. It takes a while to adjust, even when the baby was planned and very much wanted. If the pregnancy is a surprise, it might take even more time to adjust. And suddenly having all of these rules (like not drinking) is harder for some people to take than others. Give them some time to adjust, and they'll probably be up to hanging out again soon.
You can expect that your relationship will continue to change for the next couple years, though. Pregnancy is a rollercoaster, and can be a bit all consuming. Ditto to the first year of the baby's life. There might be times when you are very close and times when you feel world's apart from each other. If you're very dedicated to the friendship, though, and willing to accomodate her new addition, you don't have to lose the friendship. It gets harder when you're pregnant/after you have a baby to find time for friends, but it's not impossible.
I can tell you, though, that the childless friends we've stayed closest to are the people who understood when I turned down their social invites while pregnant because I just didn't feel like going out, and the friends who now don't mind meeting us for lunch at a family friendly restaurant rather than inviting us go to bars or casinos on Friday nights. The friends who have been accomodating and supportive are the ones we've continued friendships with. The others, unfortuantely, have pretty well faded from our lives in the last couple years.
I agree with Mrs. Spring. As the first friend in our group to get pregnant, it's tough to adjust to suddenly not being able drink and to not eat certain foods. But, I still go out with my friends and hang out, even if they are drinking. But some people can be weird about that at first. Give it a little time to settle in and maybe things won't be so different in your friendship.
I'm kinda in the other boat. I'm the pregnant one. I've been the one to turn down invites but it's really not personal. Sometimes you just can't see yourself going out. I do worry about how relationships will inevitably change. But I really don't see a way around it. We will want to do other things, we'll have different priorities. It's sad. I think the only way to approach it is to know that your interactions will be different, the things you guys will do together will be different and less often, your friends will change a bit. But it will all work out the way it's supposed to.
When I was pregnant I really didn't want to go out much. I was always tired and after awhile being the only sober one blows. You feel like you're on the outside looking in.
I really have to say, coming from the experience myself, it really sucks when people start thinking in terms of how much things are going to change and how new mother won't be able to hang anymore or go out with the group. Good friends roll with changes and don't expect a new mom to be at the bar every weekend. They make time to come over. Parenthood, especially in the first year can be really isolating. I wanted to scream "I had a baby, not a personality transplant!" Some friends fell by the wayside, some stuck around. I really don't have the time and energy for friends who don't want to accept that my life has changed.
Hopefully this is just temporary, especially if you are planning on having a baby soon. I read somewhere that a young mother in America has more in common with a mom in Africa than she does with her childless friends. Which is kind of true. Lol Once I got pregnant all I wanted to do was talk about the experience and then later about the baby. You do grow out of that after a few years and in the meantime, it doesn't mean you like your friends any less, it's just they are on a completely different track. It's just a really big divide, unfortunately. Be patient:)
Our kid is about 3 months old now, and we've found that we see some friends plenty, others less so, and a lot of it has to do with how baby-friendly the friends are. Several of my close friends from college aren't really into babies- they care about what's going on in my life, but they have no real desire to interact with the baby, and even though I know they don't blame me for it, it's uncomfortable if I bring my kid along to outings with them and he is fussy or requires a lot of attention. I still want to see them (and I don't blame them for not being excited about having a baby tag along- I don't really categorically like children either), but it's easier to do that if I just don't bring the baby, which means it doesn't happen as often. Plus, we typically do things that cost money (brunch out at a fun place, etc.) and my disposable income has kinda plummeted with the whole having-a-baby thing.
On the other hand, we have a couple of other groups of friends who seem to actually like hanging out with our kid (if they don't actively like it, they sure fake it well). They ask to hold him (which is really nice since it gives us a break), they don't seem put out at all by the accomodations we have to make for him, and we tend to do baby-friendlier (and cheaper) activities like get togethers at people's houses. We still see these types of friends all the time, and in some ways I think it has strengthened our relationships with them- they're no longer just friends, they're surrogate aunts and uncles, and it's awesome. Most of the people in this second category are seriously partnered or married, and probably going to have kids within the next few years too, so I'm pretty sure that helps.
So while I think your relationships with these friends will necessarily change somewhat, I think it doesn't mean it won't be as strong- you just need to decide how accomodating you're willing to be of their kid, and how involved with their kid you want to be. If your relationship is based mainly on going out on the town, that's one thing, but if you're willing to just go over to their house and hang out with them, I don't see any reason that your friendship has to diminish at all.
Also, I felt like crap my whole pregnancy and didn't want to go anywhere. I felt sick and exhausted most of the time and just wanted to sleep. Plus the idea of being away from my house made me nervous- if I was going to barf, or cry, or accidentally wet myself, or sleep for an entire day, I preferred to do it in the privacy of my own home. Even if I thought something might be fun, I didn't want to chance going and then feeling crappy and being a downer. So please dont' take it personally- there are so many reasons that she might not feel comfortable going that have nothing to do with how much she wishes she could go and values your friendship!
She just might not want to go to the beach right now. Some days I just felt like a complete fuddy duddy getting adjusted to the pregnant body, she might not feel like swim suiting it up. I always love the beach but I can see how someone might not when they're pregnant.
I haven't been in this situation. A lot of my friends got pregnant right around the same time, so I think it was a little easier to adjust since a lot of them were going throught the same thing.
Since the pregnancy is new for her, she might need time to adjust to how she is feeling. she might be more tired or not be feeling to well right now. Once she adjusts I'm sure she will be more than happy to be hanging out with you guys.
My husband and I are the first in our circle of friends to have a baby and although we still hang out we do hang out less. I would try not to take it personally and it will probably get better but the pregnancy and early weeks after the baby is born are very hard. With pregnancy sometimes just going to the store is a challenge and with a brand new baby it is even harder. I didn't want visitors or to go anywhere for about the first month. Things you'd never think of before kids are now a challenge. It takes careful planning and timing just to drive to the supermarket. Also, some of our friends without kids don't understand that visits have to be short, in kid friendly areas, not late at night, no swearing, no loud music, etc. My best advice is just be as supportive as you can and you'll be one of the friends they continue to spend time with. Be understanding if she turns you down 5 times and then maybe the 6th time she won't :)
@Lozza: This is what I was going to write. I've felt really tired for a lot of this pregnancy, and the worst was in the first trimester. It's hard to understand the level of tiredness and I certainly didn't see it coming - I would need to take a break and lie down after just doing a load of laundry and putting it away.
I don't think I would have wanted to go to the beach either when I was first pregnant - you're really starting to bloat up at that stage, but you don't "look" pregnant yet so you just feel like you're getting fat. Yeah, the beach is that last place I would have wanted to be at that point.
I agree. She may not want to go to the beach, or not be able to. I went to a cookout for my grandpa and the next day I was swollen all on my legs and ankles. I didn't walk a lot, but it was probably the heat. I'm sure they won't just be ignoring you guys. Things will change for a minute, but once the parents are adjusted, things will be back to normal.
yeah, i see how that could be kind of upsetting. it's inevitable that things will change with your friend, and it's hard to know what to expect. i'm actually on the other side of things too - i'm pregnant and pretty nervous that we will lose touch with our friends and be totally absorbed in being new parents once the baby comes. we don't have the most exciting social life as it is and already spend a good amount of time by ourselves, and i worry that adding a baby to the mix will permanently put us in an isolated bubble.
i guess all we can do is be flexible and understanding with ourselves and our friends. especially with baby #1 it's completely unchartered territory, so everyone has to get used to the change.
Reading everyones personal stories is extremely interesting and helpful so please keep them coming!!
Ultimately I do understand why they wouldn't want to come to the beach for all the reasons mentioned, but it did kind of sting at first. In my mind, at first glance, just being pregnant without any complications or anything wasn't a good enough reason to skip out.
The point Mrs. Spring made about certain friendships lasting based on how willing they are to adjust I can totally 100% relate to because that is what happened to me after I 'coupled up' with DH. The friends I kept in touch with and am still close to today are the friends who were okay with me turning them down for weekend plans and preferring to do dinner during the week or group things that my DH could also attend. That's changed now that we've been together awhile, now i actually enjoy 'girls night' much more than I did before since we're in such a comfortable relationship groove. So I can see how that would translate into having a baby, how willingness to do kid-friendly daytime activities will win out over friends who insist on going to a fancy expensive restaurant. Unfortunately, these friends were always horrible about keeping plans even before being pregnant, so I don't know how much good me being flexible will do.
And no, DH and I don't plan on having kids anytime soon (unless it's a mistake!) so I guess that's another reason why I'm feeling a little panicked right now. because I know all of our other friends will also start to get pregnant in the next few years and they will all form some club I'm not welcome in or something.
Yes that does happen. But it is just part of life. I have been on both sides. A few years ago, my friends started to get pregnant and have kids and we started to lose touch. Well, we had always kept in touch but we just didn’t see each other as often. People with young kids don’t have much time to go to after work cocktail hours or for dinner and drinks on the weekend. Now I’m on the other side have a baby.
I’ve gotten back in touch with those friends who had kids before me since we have more in common now and it’s always helpful to know other parents. And I’ve also been making every effort to keep up and maintain connections with my friends who don’t have kids. I realize this is important for the sake of our friendships and more the sake of my sanity as a new mom. But it is tough…it is so cliché to say that a baby changes everything but it’s so true and you really have no idea how different life can be until you have one. All of the sudden the things you previously cared about are totally different. I still love going out and hanging with my friends, but there is a lot more that goes into it now. It’s not always easy to find a sitter, and the cost of getting a sitter for the night can easily double the cost of a night out. And for me, while I know it’s good to have time to myself, I do feel the guilt of being away from my baby, especially since I work full time. As much as I want to just enjoy an evening with my friends, there is just a lot more on my mind now. And it can be hard to have a conversation about something other than diapers, spit up and poop when your days are consumed by it! I think your friend forfeiting on a weekend to hangout just because she’s pregnant is a little extreme (if I were her, I’d enjoy all those spontaneous and pre-baby fun times while they can!). But it could be that she just has a lot on her mind now and doesn’t want that to weigh down the fun weekend.
I'm on the other side of that, too :( I'm the first of my close circle that's pregnant.
There was a time at the beginning of my pregnancy where I didn't like to be around food, especially hot food, so going out to a restaurant was totally out of the question. Now that I've come back to the real world (the world outside work and my couch), I feel like my friends don't want to hang out with me or that maybe I declined invites for too long & now they don't invite me.
For me I didn't want to go out AT ALL when i first found out I was pregnant. I'm 100% sure your friend doesn't feel normal. The first 13 weeks are the worst. You don't look pregnant, but that's when morning sickness and the exhaustion are almost too much to handle. I mean think of the worst hangover you ever had and think about how you feel when you are up all night and multiply it times 10 and imagine feeling like that for 3 months. That is the first trimester. It's so horrible. i was totally blindsided-i had no idea it would be like that.
And it does suck in the beginning to watch people relax and drink wine and cocktails while in the back of your mind you are still getting over the shock of the pregnancy. I remember the first night I went out while pregnant, I felt like an alien. Everyone was talking about work, or whatever and all i could think was that I was growing a person. If she the first to get pregnant, she isn't going to have anyone to talk to about it who "gets it". Getting pregnant is really a shock to your soul, planned or unplanned.
So-in the end of my post, I am going to tell you that she is going to need a ton of support from her friends. Being pregnant is so so so hard. It isn't just like you get fat, and can't drink. It is one of the most emotionally exciting but at the same time physically shitty and all around scary experiences of life.At least for me. And then when baby comes, forget it. When she's not taking care of the baby, she is going to sleep. But she will want to go out for a mimosa on a sunday afternoon!
And for me, while I know it’s good to have time to myself, I do feel the guilt of being away from my baby, especially since I work full time.
^^^^^^^^ THIS
My mom always says she will babysit, and even DH says if I want to go out he'll stay home, but the guilt is unbearable. I've been out (like full on out until 2AM out) once since DD was born. My friends who don't have kiddos do stop over on a Friday night before they hit the town, and we'll have wine or whatever. And my friends with kids know how impossible it is to do anything so they aren't mad. lol.
@moderndaisy: Im SO glad you wrote this post. My husbands best friend from home and his wife are expecting in December. And now they kind of suck to hang out with! I know thats mean, but for example we invited them to come out to DHs parents lake house for July 4th and they declined. They only live an hour from the lake house and we only see them a few times a year because they live 10 hrs from us. The reason they declined is because they have to spend at least one night with his family and at least one night with hers. Well, I could understand that but they live within 30 mins of each of their parents and see them all the time. I said to DH that I think now that they are pregnant they are more family focused and dont care so much about the friendships. It sucks! And it is going to change a lot. I hate getting older!
I'm with you. All of my friends had babies this year, or are pregnant.
My closest friend has a baby that is 6 months old now, and we still can't go more than 90 seconds without her interrupting to talk about something the baby did. I'm not asking for nights out at the bar until 3 am - I'm asking for 5 minutes of conversation. Conversation that doesn't even need to be about me!
And then I get the guilt trip. The 'you don't understand what it's like' - well, sure. I don't have one. I don't understand. But I'm trying.
I am thrilled that my friends are pregnant or parents. I love those kids with my whole heart. But sometimes, I wonder, doesn't she want to talk about something - anything - else?
@emtee: you can't talk about anything else. i swore it wouldn't happen to me and it did. It's mostly because you aren't DOING anything else though. I mean, we all talk about what is going on in our lives, and if all you are doing is changing poo and breastfeeding-that's all you can contribute.
I would LOVE to talk about how shit faced I got on a Friday night (I can't, I don't go out), or hot hott the guy i saw at the grocery store is (when I'm at the grocery store I am trying to wear my baby while picking out cheese and fending off old lady's with bad breath who want to kiss my baby), or about politics (have I watched tv recently? I have zero idea what is going on. I barely knew that OBL was captured and killed)
This topic has special interest for me because before I got pregnant, I never wanted to be around people with babies, pregnant people annoyed me because I thought they were all really over dramatic and into themselves, and I got really annoyed when people told their birth stories and talked about nursing or bedtimes and all that shit. And what happend? I have become exactly that person! So I have a lot to say about this. And the main thing I would like to say is:
If you get pregnant it will happen to you! MUUUUHHHAHAHAHAHAHA!
PS-I don't know why I picked a grocery store as my really cool place of social example. Probably because that is the only other place I go. LOL!
I am on the other side with being Pregnant, honestly its being tired all the time and having to be the sober one that sucks. I would just let it go, your pregnant friend meant no harm on turning down that weekend.
@moderndaisy: It is so much like when you're the first of your friends to get married. Immediately, you kinda change and only want to be with your hubby (or baby), but after a while (a year or two) you get more comfortable going out alone and maybe even want that alone time with your friends. After the first year or so, I think a lot of people feel more comfortable leaving their babies for a couple hours to go hang out or getting a babysitter so both parents can go out. Until, then, it's just an adjustment, and you all kinda have to work around it.
It sounds like you're a really understanding friend, though, so I'm sure you'll adjust just fine. :)
@flamingred - LOL. You're right, if I do get pregnant it will happen to me, too. Thanks for replying. It's nice to hear the other side without having to go there with my friends - we all know that would end in firey heaps of unnecessary friend drama!
@Mrs. Spring: Thanks!! Well, I really appreciated it when I saw certain friends being intentionally understanding of my situation and making an extra effort for me, so that encourages me to do the same for them.
@PitBulLover: I felt exactly how you described when they turned us down. Like not important at all. That was very frustrating and even though I'm over it now, I'm just waiting for them to use pregnancy as an excuse to not do anything at all, even hang out during the day at someones apartment.
I would probably turn down a beach weekend too now, being pregnant. I don't drink but I don't care if others do, so that's not an issue for me. My body is just different and reacts differently to things now. I can't take the sun anymore and get dehydrated pretty easily. Maybe she's worried about something like that?
I'm actually the first of my friends to get pregnant, and I find that they're the ones that aren't inviting me places. I never drank but would still go out with them while they did, and now b/c I'm pregnant I'm not invited anymore. It doesn't really make sense to me.
I'm expecting some friendships to change, it's only natural. We're at different stages in our lives, and have different priorities. They'll be going out and I'll be home with a baby, or at least making sure she's home for bed time.
This gives me some perspective. I had a good friend, first of our group, who got married three years ago and then last year had a son. I feel terrible because I kind of brushed off our friendship b/c I didn't feel we had anything in common anymore. I can tell she's lonely right now, I didn't realize pregnancy/children was isolating.
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Beekeeper
Yesterday, our friends announced they are expecting a baby. They are the first couple among all of our friends to get pregnant, so this is a big deal. (My one friend from home has a baby, but she doesn't count since we see each other like once a year).
I am super excited and happy for them, of course I can't wait to babysit. But I couldn't help feeling strange about how things are going to change now. Already, they turned down our invitation to a fun beach weekend soley because of the pregnancy. Nothing is wrong, she is feeling totally normal, etc. but just upset that she can't drink, so they are opting to stay home. That kind of rubbed me the wrong way, because it's not like we sit around and drink all weekend when we're at the beach, just have a cocktail with dinner. And why wouldn't they want to spend some time with us? It's not getting any easier the older we get. It's also free for them since it's my parents beach house.
Anyway, I can get over them turning down our invitation, but I can't stop thinking about how our relationship with them will totally change. I've heard so many stories about best friends completely losing touch because someone got pregnant. Suddenly you have very little in common and want to do different things. Are we going to start losing all of our friends as people get pregnant? Is anyone else experiencing this or can relate to how I'm feeling??