Post # 1
To make a long story short, FI knows someone who has 2 boys, ages 1 and 3 she wants rio give up for adoption. Being an adopted child himself, FI is all over it’s At first he wanted the 3 yr old, but is now saying he wants both if it is ok with me. Whoaaa. Anxious, overwhelmed, scared doesn’t even begin to describe how I’m feeling. I’ve always wanted kids, looove them but suddenly the idea of being a mom has me sick to my stomach. FI found out his son from previous relationship wasn’t his so he no longer has contact and has wanted us to get pregnant which hasn’t worked yet. I know he is trying to fill a void and I think his judgement is clouded because he is spending time with the kids. He is incredibly happy and excited. And then theres me. I haven’t met the kids just yet. We have only been talking about this for a week and I had just gotten used to the idea of one… But now 2? I don’t know if I can do it. we certainly can’t afford either one honestly. I am coming up with every reason not to adopt them. Being away from home for the past couple days I have pretended to be ok for FIs sake but tomorrow when I see him.. Idk. I feel if I tell him I dont think this is a good idea he may call off the engagement, leave me. I’m at such a loss right now, totally confused, worried and terrified. Help 🙁
Post # 3
This HAS to be a decision you both are committed to. And please please please don’t just get one of them! I think if you aren’t ready for kdis then you need to talk with your FI and discuss that right now, you aren’t ready for the mental, emotional, physical and monetary stress of having a kid, let alone two. I think there is a difference if you have decided you NEVER want children and he does, but if this is a, he wants them NOW and you aren’t ready, you need to talk about it and come to an agreement. Most adoptions take months or years, and both parties have to be on board with the choice, not one of you, BOTH of you are going to be parents so you both have to want to and be prepared for it. You can’t be guilted into getting kids you don’t want because someone else decided they didn’t want to be a mother anymore. It is, or should be a life long committment but kids will know if you don’t want them and that isn’t a good enviroment for anyone.
Post # 4
A friend of ours just found out the one child they are a dopting in Feb is TWINS!!! i don’t think god gives you more than you can handle……. Just roll with it you’ll be fine. I know it’s a shock but sometimes things in life hit you fast and you just need to roll with it all!!
Post # 5
Definitely adopt both, or neither. It would be a shame to separate them! You can probably talk to someone in child services about this. I bet they have counselors that will help you sort your feelings and answer any questions you may have. I’m sorry that I don’t have any advice really..but good luck!
Post # 6
I believe that if you are going to adopt one, you have to adopt both. Obviously, since their mom is wanting to give them up for adoption, they are coming from an unstable environment where all they have is each other. These poor children need to be with each other. I could not be the one to decide that they are going to be separated. That is just heartbreaking.
Post # 7
Thanks everyone for the replies. I said the same thing about separating them. FIgood friend has a 1 yr old son so she was gonna adopt the 1 yr old so they could grow up together. And since we are close if we adopted the 3 yr old they would still see eachother. Not a perfect situation by far but better than their birth mother who is giving them up and has already given up 2 before them… I know, horrendous. I just talked to FI and he said that we definitely wouldn’t make a decision until after the holidays which has helped me relax a little. I just felt things were happening too fast. I need time to think, sort myself out. I’m so afraid they will have a terrible time adjusting to me as their mother whereas they love FI and are already attached to him. Since they have never had a father figure that transition is a piece of cake compared to what it could be like between me and them. Don’t get me wrong, I KNOW I have the ability to love them like I carried and birthed them. I don’t doubt that for a second. I’m just afraid of the parenting part. Being a mom in every sense is where it gets overwhelming. I always imagined being able to prepare for 9 months before I took over a little life. Between wedding planning and this I feel a very long tropical vacation is just what the dr ordered.
Post # 8
@chasesgirl: + 1 many families want to adopt wait afoot opt till your realty and after you’ve at least had one of your own
Post # 9
@HisIrishPrincess: Just roll with bringing two kids into the household when she isn’t ready and can’t financially support them? I don’t think that is such a good idea.
Op it honestly doesn’t sound like you are ready for this right now! I know your fiance is all over this but it just doesn’t work that way. Once you have them, you absolutely can’t send them back so don’t make this decision based on rushed feelings or pressure from your fiance. Bringing TWO kids around those ages when you are not sure yet 100% how you feel about adopting them is a risky move in my opinion. Don’t be afraid to put your foot down either to you fiance if you even have a pin drop of doubt because this definitely isn’t an easy decision or one that should be made on a whim by your fiance because you haven’t had any luck with your own TTC journey.
Post # 10
You need to do what’s best for you.
Post # 11
@PinkMermaid: ugh nevermind i deleted it 😀
Post # 12
I know exactly how you feel. I receive a call from my sister asking me to do her a favor. We are really close and I never questioned what the favor was I just met her. It was a Thursday and I had to meet her at probate court. She asked me to take her daughter my neice. Mind you I was starting a new job that following Monday, I didnt hesitate and said yes. I cant say it was easy but I can say it was the best thing I ever did. She know who I am and who her mother is. She considers me her mom and she is my pride and joy and the biggest momma’s baby. My sister is in her life and I explain to her that she should never hate her biological mother because she loved you enough to give you to someone that would love and take care of you that is an unselfish act. I am very spiritual and I know that he chose me to take her and doors were opened that made it easier than I thought it would be.
I forget to mentioned I was a single parent of an 11 years old at the time.
I hope my story helps.
Post # 13
I think you should gently tell your FI that he needs to think about why he wants to adopt the child. As you said, he might be trying to fill a void. Give it a while..sometimes people get caught up in things and the excitement clouds judgement.
Also, would you stop TTC if you adopted? That’s another thing to think about. Supporting a child (or two) is a big responsibility and if you go through with it you might have to put your own plans for TTC on hold. It depends on how important it is to you to be pregnant and/or have a biological child.
Post # 14
@TrueBeeliever: She sounds like my cousin. Poor thing never really grew up and got into drugs and just kept having babies. Our family members h e adopted them all but I am happy that she is making the right choice to give them to someone who can properly care for them.
You have to do what is best for you BOTH. It’s going to take more than a week to figure this huge decision out and I think you’re perfectly fine with taking more time to think. It’s a huge responsibility. Keep us posted?
Post # 15
Thanks PinkMermaid, on top of everything else I have the question of wondering if I can even get pregnant weighing on my mind. FI thinks this is all the more reason to adopt. He isn’t understanding my growing concern about my fertility. Niasg1, kudos to you for taking on a responsibility like that. It must have been hard for your sister but she did what was best for your niece. Thanks all for the comments. Much thinking and discussion is in order. Meanwhile I have an appt Tuesday at Davids Bridal to try on dresses. Stressed but I’m trying to keep a clear head, I don’t want my planning to go by the wayside. I’m doing everything virtually alone and its tough. But I’ll muscle through, what other choice do I have? Lol
Post # 16
wow i would feel completely overwhelmed too. I think adoption would be really difficult if your heart isn’t dying for a child. All your concerns are completely valid. I think a couseling session would be really good for you both. Since you have fears and you feel like he is trying to fill a void it it could sort some things out. please dont rush into this or feel pressured. this is a life changing life long commitment. Please keep us updated though. Will pray for clarity for you and for loving homes for the childre .