- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
I just got barraded by my MIL because I mentioned that Mr. Hedgie and I plan on adopting a child as well as having children of our own. I have always felt that there are too many children out there without loving families for me to not share the love I have with them. She says it is wrong of me to "take those children from people who can't have children of their own"... huh? Now there is a shortage of children in need of families that I should make sure to reserve them for the infertile? Am I missing something? She was especially upset when I mentioned that I am leanning toward special needs children because I have a passion and a love for them. My brother was special needs and growing up with him was normal for me. I have a patience and understanding for that kind of care and love that is tough to come by. They are difficult to raise at times and I feel that I, and Mr. Hedgie, are excited for that challenge. Besides, it is hard enough to find homes for those children as it is. At that she just had it. We are "dooming ourselves" by "choosing to fight battles we don't have to fight for a child that isn't ours".... I feel like I have lost a level of respect for her. She said it would be 100% different if we gave birth to a special needs child because then "God gifted us with the child he knew we could handle and love". How do I handle this? We aren't even having children yet or beginning the adoption process. And in the end, adoption may not be for us. We may not fall in love with a special needs child. Or, we may. Who knows. This is all speculative and in the future.
How would you handle this and am I really that crazy? Am I missing something here?
Does she realize how many kids there are in foster care? They don't need to be reserved for anyone; they need loving homes. I'd probably say that to her and try to change the subject. You're the one starting a family, not her.
she's nuts. i'm 100% with you on this- there's an overflow of children in the foster care system and group homes because there are simply too many children without families. anyone who wants to adopt, regardless of their reasoning, is doing a big mitzvah by making giving a child a home.
Whoa. I have never heard that opinion before. I think she is defintiely in the minority in her opinion, so I wouldn't be too concerned. I think adoption, ESPECIALLY of a special needs child, is one of the most admirable things someone can do, regardless of whether they can have biological children.
You are NOT crazy. God gifted THE WORLD with children.. all children. How would your MIL be so insensitive? It is great people like you who see past the world's image of "perfection" and actually look at individual's humanity that really stand out. I applaud you for wanting to adopt a special needs child. There is no shortage of children in this world that need loving homes. There are so many todlers and children because most couples want to adopt babies. So if you are saving a poor child from foster parents who really just want them for the pay check and situations where no child should feel unloved you go ahead and punch your MIL in the face and stepping out of place. How the hell could she say that! Shame on her!
She's crazy. No there is nothing wrong with adoption and her opinions are crazy.
That said, I wouldn't bring it up with her again since you are not at that stage yet. There is no reason to have this fight right now.
Wow, she apparently doesn't have a full grasp of how many children are in foster care and need homes. And the fact that she said that about special needs children, who are almost impossible to effectively and positively adopt out? I don't know how you didn't punch her in the face!!
Personally, I would never speak to her again about it. If she asks when you plan to have children, tell her you will let her know when the time comes, and you do not want to discuss it with her further
@Ms. Meowerson: Mr. Hedgie is a jew so I hear that stuff all the time. lol. I have become pretty darn good at translating! (and every now and then confuse the crap out of my family and friends by using the words myself)
what a nut, sorry. in the future, don't discuss these things with her, especially not at length and in detail .
I was adopted! I think adoption is great. I don't think it matters if you can have children or not. I'm with bellagio.. there are a lot of kids in foster care. Especially since they are special needs, not many people can handle that.
I think it's great you want to do that. You have a big heart, and I can't believe she would make you feel bad for something like that! What is her real issue?
@Ms Hedgehog: I'm not sure how she can reference "God" and deny a child of adoption in the same sentence.
I totally had to laugh out loud to her statement. Are you kidding me?! There are so many children who are in need of a good home. You can basically go ANYWHERE.
/facepalm.
Who cares if you can or cant have children. If you want to adopt then do it. There are so many children that dont have good families to love them, it would be such a blessing for that child!!! Adoption is a great thing.
There are plenty of people who think they're doing the world a favor by adopting healthy infants, when there are plenty of those to go around (full disclosure- I'm an adoptee who honestly does get sick of hearing other people tell me how lucky I was that my parents found it in their hearts to *rescue* me as a healthy infant, as though people don't line up for babies).
It sounds like your intent is good, and you have a solid understanding of the difficulties involved in raising a special needs child. It sounds like a wonderful plan.
That's crazy talk. How many "regular" children are there that need families, let alone older children, let alone special needs children!? I don't think there will ever be enough willing parents to adopt the children in need.
Have you ever seen Martian Child? I think you would enjoy it. Anyway, this is a quote from it that I couldn't agree with more. "I don't want to bring another kid into this world. But how do you argue against loving one that's already here?"
I think its the most admirable thing to do, being able to bear a child or not. The only thing maybe you MIL is thinking about is that you want to receive an infant and matching your race or from a particular hot spot for adoptions ( Russia, China etc). Regardless many overseas adoptions take a long time to accomplish. I've known it to take at least a year , typically more. Perhaps she is thinking about how you take a place in line for those who absolutely cannot have children?
There is certainly no shortage of foster kids or older kids for adoption in the United States!
Thanks for keeping an open mind and extending your hearts! Don't worry about what anyone says :)
What a nut. Adopting is perhaps the most wonderful thing, the most selfless thing you can do. My Dad said something like that- he said adopting is like "paying the price for someone else's mistakes." I disagree. I see children as children of the world, not belongings.
First I would like to commend you for being willing to take in a child that has no one else. It is an admirable thing. My brother too has special needs so I know how difficult things can be, but also how rewarding, when you see someone with no malice in them (one thing I have noticed about my brother, he doesn't seem to know how to hate).
Second, your FMIL is waaaaaay off base. You aren't stealing someone's child, there isn't a shortage of children abandoned or orphaned or neglected that need loving homes, and her comment about how you are "choosing to fight battles you don't have to" just shows the malice in her heart. I guess to her it would be different if you gave birth to a special needs child because then the child wouldn't be "avoidable". Yes you are choosing to take on extra, but that is an ADMIRABLE choice, not one to be sneered at. It actually makes me a little queasy to know that she would look down on a special needs person like they aren't worthy of a loving home ESPECIALLY with you having a special needs brother that I assume she knows about.
Even though I can have kids of my own I too plan to adopt. I am probably going to adopt an older child, because from what I read, after the age of 3 the chances of adoption drop significantly (like they do with special needs children). Do not let her tear you down. What you and your FI want to do is in no way something to be sneered at.
I am sorry if this sounds harsh, I just get all sorts of bothered about people looking down on special needs children or really treating any child poorly (and I include trying to talk someone out of providing a loving home on that list).
I plan to have one kid and adopt another. Why contribute to the worsening problem of the Earth's overpopulation and diminishing resources if you dont have to?
Dear Gosh I’m glad that not everyone thinks like she does! Or I would never have had a family. Does she not know that right now there are between 400,000 and 600,000 children in foster care? I say if it is what you want to do go for it! Adopt and have as many kids as you can and want! Who is she to tell you that a child is not yours because you did not give birth to them? I just do not see how someone can think this way.
I think you and Mr. H. are awesome for considering adopting, especially a special needs child.
It sounds like his mom doesn't understand that outside of healthy, white babies, there's a surplus of children for those infertile couples, and since that's not what you're asking for anyway, you aren't "stealing" a baby from someone who "needs it more than you."
And it sounds like she doesn't want you and he to make a decision that's going to cause you undue hardship. I think she expressed it poorly, but I imagine she wants what all parents want: a good, happy life for their child, with as little pain and difficulty as possible. And here you and her son are, talking about deliberately undertaking something that's often a source of pain and hardship when it happens to a family naturally. I think that must be hard for any parent, even when their children are grown.
I think, since it's early days yet, and all hypothetical, it's a battle you don't have to fight. And as long as you and Mr. H are on the same page, ultimately it's your decision. I think maybe just planting the seed is enough; she has time to adjust, and if it happens in a few years, she won't be blindsided. Try not to judge her too harshly, remember that for her, concern for her real, adult child takes precedence over a hypothetical future grandchild. :)
This woman is off her rocker. I love the idea of adoption, and as far as I know, I have no fertility problems. (But then again, I've never tried to concieve.) I'm not ready for kids for another few years, but I've thought about adoption since I was a little kid. I think its unfair how many children have no homes, and reguardless of if I can have children or not, I will probably adopt at least one child. And since my twin sister is deaf, I will probably adopt a deaf child if I had the choice, and give them a loving and knowledgable home. I would suggest walking away from this one and not discussing it further with her, but I would have utterly exploded in your situation, and I'm usually a very calm, logical, and even-tempered woman.
It sounds like she's just concerned and has your best interest at heart, but she's not going about expressing her feelings to you in an appropriate way. If it were my mom, I would tell her that I appreciate her concern, but my husband and I will make our own decisions.
There is nothing to handle, its between you and your FH. She has her feelings about it, leave it alone, your not going to change her mind.
However, when she mentions this part:We are "dooming ourselves" by "choosing to fight battles we don't have to fight for a child that isn't ours".... She said it would be 100% different if we gave birth to a special needs child because then "God gifted us with the child he knew we could handle and love".
I think ALOT of people feel this way and simply don't say it. Especialy when it comes to special needs children, its a hard road. Its one thing to experience it as an sibling and something totally diffrent when you are the custodial parent, responsilbe for their well being 24/7. Also there are different types of "special needs" and everyone expresses it differently so what you expereinced with your brother is unique and buffered by your relationship. I have a relative who has two special needs children (bio) and its a frustrating road. When I have to spend a day with them I am so humbled by what she has to go thru. As compassionate as I am, I would be very frustrated to deal with it on a daily basis. If HAD TO deal with it (via pregnancy) ofcourse I'm gonna rock it out, but I can't say that I'd be comfortable taking on that responsiblity outright.
So I can understand her position as a mother and grandmother. No one willingly wants their children to go down a harder path. I understand the core of some of her reasoning, however, I don't agree. Like you, I have always wanted to adopt and was suprised when I shared this with some people that I assumed would be down with the idea. I was suprised, that they were totaly against having me having both bio kids and adopting. They thought that I should do it one way or the other, no mixing of the two.
Whatever, they can feel however they want, I'm not losing sleep over it nor try to debate them on it. Just live your truth.
She has a strange take on this. You are definitely not wrong. There are children who need good homes, but float through the system wihtout ever being adopted. There's definitely not a shortage of kids who need good, safe homes. This especially being so for special needs kids and older kids.
I would just ignore her comments and not address the issue with her again.
While I agree with everybody that it's very admirable not only to want to adopt but to consider a special needs child. I imagine your MIL is misguidedly tryingto protect you. Most of the time parents want the best and easiest life for their children--adopting, adopting out of foster care, and adopting special needs kids are all very difficult and trying things--they'll be an emotional, financial, and physical strain on you and your relationship. Maybe she just doesn't understand how passionate about this you are and how much you feel prepared for it.
I think it's similar to parents saying that they wouldn't want their child to be gay, not because they are prejudiced but because they know about the challenges they would face in that lifestyle. It might not be "right" or perfectly sane but I can kinda see where she's coming from.
Maybe she's heard stories about infertile couples adoptions falling through or 3rd world mothers giving up their children to shady adoption agencies. When the time comes I think you'll need to approach it in a way that shows he you've considered the challenges and you're going about it responsibly.
Oh my goodness. I completely disagree with her. I can kind of see where she could make that argument work in her head but it doesn't make sense to me and I think it's incorrect. I think that she is truly thinking of the two of you but she's not expressing her concern well. I wouldn't discuss it with her again.
I think that adoption is almost always a selfless way to go and it's to be commended. I'm pretty sure there hasn't been a big announcement that adoption agencies have "run out of children."
Is your MIL usually this crazy? Or did she have a recent accident involving a head injury? Sheesh, this is just nuts. Kudos to you Hedgie for considering adoption. Ignore your MIL, she doesn't know what she's talking about in this case.
I think that's a great idea, and that's something I want to do as well (just having problems talking FI into it!) but I'm sure once that child is part of your family she will come to love him or her. Don't let her comment upset you as you can see that everyone thinks it's a great plan!
W. T. F. She is crazypants.
1. The world is getting crowded as it is, so if someone wants to adopt children that someone else can't/won't care for instead of adding more mini people to the population, power to them.
2. Just because you have working girl parts and your guy has working boy parts does not mean you are required to try using them to produce a child before you consider adoption.
3. Just because other people do not have working girl/boy parts does not mean they are more qualified or deserving to adopt than you are.
Like a few posters above, I'm an adopted Bee, and I will openly say I don't give a rats ass about the dynamic of reproductive parts and who "deserves" a child more than whom. I'm just happy I was brought up by people who gave me lots of love and had the means and the will to provide everything I needed to grow up happy and healthy.
I didn't bother to read the other comments because I am feeling lazy today, BUT I completely disagree with your MIL. My husband and I plan on doing the same thing: we plan to have two of our own and then adopt a third. I agree that it isn't prudent to produce more offspring than to replace the parents in this day and age (although if others do, that is their business), but I'd still like at least three children.
I would continue to do what you plan to do.
There are so many children who get lost in the system. If a family wants to adopt but can have children on their own, but want to adopt, I see no reason they should be denied the opportunity.
My SO's mom had 3 boys and then adopted 2 more. The agency actually came to them about the second adoption.
Your mom is a crazypants. Just because you can have babies (Octomom) doesn't mean you should. And just because you can have babies, doesn't mean you shouldn't take care of one someone else had. And, just because another couple can't have a baby, doesn't mean they should get one.
That's bizarre. I'm sorry. I think it's wonderful that you're considering adoption.
Do take this seriously. I can only imagine how heartbreaking it would be for everyone if she ends up favoring her biological grandchild(ren) over the child you one day adopt. Make this a calm, continuing conversation, and make sure that Mr. Hedgehog is involved. Explain your reasoning, using hard facts (number of children who need a home, etc.) and expect that it will take years rather than months for her to come around. If you can demonstrate that you're calm, thoughtful, patient, and trying to make the world a better place (as opposed to emotional, argumentative, issuing ultimatums), I'm sure she will eventually support you in your decision.
I know you've probably already considered this and it's not for everyone, but you might want to think about foster care as well. Obviously it presents tremendous challenges too, but for example you might try providing a foster home to a special needs child to make sure you're up for the challenge, both for your own sakes and for your MIL's. Of course you and Mr. Hedgehog know what's best for the two of you and you shouldn't make major life decisions based on your MIL's attitude, but if he's at all uncertain about the day to day reality of caring for a special needs child, it might be a good idea and could calm her fears as well.
I very much hope that she comes to appreciate what a wonderful thing you're thinking of doing, and what a remarkable DIL you are.
You are a saint and if God has walked you down a path to show you that you have a calling to take care of a special needs child through adoption, then that is just as much your calling as anything else in life.
Your MIL will probably think about it more and come around to understanding you.
God bless you!
We are adopting. We have a child and could probably have another if we so chose.
First, I would say the decision to adopt is between the prospective adoptive parents, the agency they work with and the birth parents... No one else.
Second, I would say, I don't think that adoptive parents are especially heroic or saving a child or anything. I think they are following their hearts. This is important for people to understand because adopting a special needs kid is a hard road and you have to do it because that's where your heart is (which it sounds like yours exactly is)... so if that's the case, MIL shouldn't be guilting you. Adoptive parents aren't heroes or self-absorbed. They're just using a different pathway to add to their family. Period.
Sorry, got me on my soapbox on this one.
I think your MIL is being selfish for thinking of her needs and wants. I really think you should follow your heart.
I think it's great that you are adopting. And i actually find it very heroic that you are. I think adopting is a great way to add to an existing family, or to start a family. There are SO many children in this world that need a permanent home with love, care and support, that will never ever get a chance to experience. :(
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| ellisrobertson | 23 |
| MsPanda | 14 |
| aduarte3201 | 14 |
| pengoala | 11 |
| ShellVee | 10 |
| ladyartichoke | 10 |
| ndreighton | 10 |
| londonchick | 9 |
| likelimeade | 8 |
| londonpeach84 | 8 |
Sorry, there are no users yet.
