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I would get the process of adoption started because you never know how long it could actually take. I'm not too familiar with adoption but do you get to choose the sex?
I would do bio first - having a bio child only gets more difficult/risky with age.
@MrsDibs: I have both and I would recommend a bio child first. Adoption can take a LONG time even non international adoptions take some time.
I'd do bio first because you have no idea whether or not you'll be able to have a bio child fast or at all. My hubby and I are getting close to hitting the 2 year mark of trying with one miscarriage to show for it.
The adoption process is expensive and unpredictable. I would prob do adoption first, though. That way the adopted child could be involved in birth of the bio child...I dunno, I would want to decrease feelings of inadequacy in the adopted child if there were bio children in the picture but thats just my opinion.
Well as someone going through the adoption process I would do bio first. Also keep in mind many agencies may not accept you if you are actively trying to get pregnant. So make sure you know what you want before starting this journey.
I didn't know how to put it... put I agree with what Miss Orchard says. Personally, I think it would help an adopted child to be the oldest. That way, you can form a special connection and add to the family WITH them so they will feel 100% a part of the family. I know with a healthy loving family an adopted child can feel that way no matter what, but if it were my family, that is how I would prefer things if I was given the choice- that is how I would ideally plan it to give everyone (in my opinion) the best foot forward, so-to-say.
@cbee: The only issue I see with that and have heard from other adoptive parents is that if the adopted child's the first there are self esteem issues bc of the feeling they weren't good enough and having someone of bloodline. It actually makes the child feel more inadequate.
So glad to see adoption discussed on the babies board! My sister and BIL have adopted two daughters from China. One was a regular adoption in 2005 - the process took about 18 months and my niece came home when she was 11 months old. The second just happened in 2011 and was adopted from the "special needs" list because she's cleft-affected (in china, basically any small defect is considered special needs) - she came home at 18 months old. Their second daughter's cleft lip and palate have already been repaired and were relatively minor surgical procedures.
My sister chose to adoption first. My advice is that you do your homework into the typical length of the process and the red tape involved by country. China's program is very stable - meaning they haven't had black-out perioids where they halted the adoption process - but rates of international adoption have risen and the influx of adoption applications has significantly lengthened the process. I think a few countries in Africa have a shorter process. I've heard that adoptions in Russian countries are a bit more complicated because they involve multiple trips over several months to finalize paperwork.
Have you done your research on agencies yet? My sister used America World and were very pleased. Get on a few adoption list servs to find out about several agencies before you choose one.
And I would start the process ASAP. It's a long process to complete your home study and dossier.
Good luck! I'd love to adopt internationally in 5 or 6 years, depending on our financial situation and whether or not I would be able to travel (I'm going to be a psychologist, so being able to take 3 weeks off to travel + FMLA leave would be dependent on where I was practicing).
@MissGreen: Hm. I guess I could see that either way. My friend wanted to adopt and was saving for years with her husband, she got pregnant, and now she doesn't want to adopt because she doesn't feel like "she would love the adopted child as much after having her own." -I think that is awful, and untrue for very many people, myself included, I am just mentioning it because it is included in my experience. It is disturbing, but I guess it is good for her to be honest.
So- I guess it really can go different ways. In some families, the oldest develops issues (speaking of bio families) like jealousy no matter, and in my family the oldest got special privileges. So I always thought that it would be best, through my experience, to adopt first so that they know we really wanted to, and so I didn't develop that special connection more with the first being-bio- and so the adopted child would not think that them bein bio had anything to do with that. I can totally see how it could be taken differently though! I just have witnessed in my family, in my dad's family, in DH's family, that the oldest was treated differently. I know everyone and every family is different though.
I am interested in the responses to this thread. We also want to have bio child and adopt. Started ttc and its month 8 of trying so far. My thought is there is no guarantee that you would end up with boy & girl. From what I heard, adoption takes time and if you wanted to choose a particular gender it could take even longer.
@silver1: That's very true. If you adopt through foster care or internationally you do have more say in your preference but if you choose private domestically and have a birthmom pick you; you may not know what the sex is depending on how early she is.
I would have my bio child first. Adoption can come any time afterwards.
@MarryMeTiffany: Could you expand on that a little bit please?
@MissGreen: Are you adopting internationally, domestic infant, or through foster care? Do you have any bio children?
Thanks everyone for the responses! It's really helping. I'm trying to get as much info as possible. I've been reading, surfing the web, talking with my husband, everything to try to figure out what to do. I guess there isn't a right way but I just want to do what is best for us and our future child.
@MrsDibs: The ages of my adopted children are 15,12, and 6. I have a bio child he is 3 and I am currently pregnant. Our oldest does fine with our 3 year old but our 12 year old and 6 year old are jealous of him. Our 6 year old hates the fact that he was in my belly and I raised him from a baby etc. All of our kids were adopted with foster care so we did not have them from birth. Now that I am pregnant our 6 year old is already jealous towards the unborn child.
@MarryMeTiffany: Do you think that they would feel the same way if they had been with you from a young age (like 0 to 2 years)?
Either way that you go I think that it is awesome that you want to open your hearts and your home to a child that needs just that. My Father was adopted, my Grandmother was told that she could not have children so she and my Grandfather adopted my Dad, a month after they brought him home they found out she was pregnant. My Grandmother always says that it was God's plan and that my Father was always supposed to be her son it just happened in a different way. No mattter which order you do things in, when you adopt a child you are doing a wonderful thing.
We want to adopt, but I personally want to have a bio child first. DHs cousins are working on a domestic adoption and have been dealing with red tape for over a year.This may sound bad, but we want to adopt a child that looks like they fit into our family (as in simillar race). And there is a longer wait for that, and we don't want to wait forever for our first child. I should qualify, I have NOTHING against international/interracial adoptings. My sisters ILs have several children adopted from Asia and India and they are just wonderful sweet kids. But that just isn't for us, though we really do want to adopt!
@MrsDibs: We are going through foster care right now but considering private birthmom too. We are doing our classes and meeting other parents.
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DH and I had been on the fence about kids for a long time but recently something clicked and the more we think about adoption (specifically international) the more we love the idea of kids. However, we are thinking that we would like to have 1 bio child and adopt a child but we aren't really sure about the order we should do so. I'm leaning more towards adopting first, mostly because I think that we don't really care if we have a bio child or not but I think that we would be heartbroken if we didn't get to adopt. However, DH is leaning towards a bio child first, he's thought is that whichever gender we have we will adopt the opposite so we can have one of each. I can see his view point but I'm struggling because we aren't willing to get pregnant until at least next May. However we could start the adoption process this year and possibly be matched next summer. We could then have our child for a while and think more about a bio kid (or maybe even adopting a second child). I'm just not sure. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.