Post # 1
Another post on here mentioning adoption got me thinking again 🙂
Now I’ve always felt like it was my calling to adopt or foster a child. I had a rather difficult childhood and with that I think it’s my purpose to help children suffering. So the delima is to help by adoption or to help by fostering.
With adoption the child will always be with us, we can guarantee the child continues to be a part of the family and treat it as such, we can be a family for the long run. There are complications to that as we don’t plan to adopt for another 5 years and we plan to adopt an older child or young teen. However we will have children of our own as well and need to look out for the safety of our children.
Then we have fostering, which with it the child could be removed from the home forever at any given time. But… So many foster homes are horrible for children, so many children are abused and neglected in foster homes and I feel like we would be able to at least help some of those children have a good experience in a foster home. Help to show them not all the world is dark and cold. But I worry how our children and the foster children will take it, after getting used to eachother and becomming a family then all of a sudden the child gets uprooted and we are all saddened.
But I feel like this is part of my calling. I’ve ALWAYS felt that way, I remember as a young child always wanting to adopt. Although my life was not perfect by any means, at least I had a place to call home and I want to give children that.
So what would you do? Any pros and cons you can think of for this?
Post # 3
I always thought I would do both- adopt from foster care. I think that is the only way I could afford it!
Post # 4
@kris325 I don’t know what your situation is but my vote is to do both if possible, take in child/children in foster care AND adopt others not from foster care as well. If you have the resources, help as many as you can. I also believe strongly in this cause and at one point I felt strongly to do this also, but to do it right and in a way that would benefit the child(ren) you need to have the necessary resources. Maybe later on in life it will be something that I can revisit and do too.
I think it’s awesome and you should do whatever you can!
Post # 5
I think fostering is such an amazing thing but you have to be so strong to do it. I really don’t think I could. I would get attached to that child and couldn’t let them go. We 100% plan on adopting at some point. My husband has two adopted siblings and I would love to do it!
Why don’t you sign up for some foster classes and see what you think? We are friends with this couple who took the classes and it really helped them undertand what they were getting into.
Post # 6
I’ve always wanted to adopt as well. I didn’t have a perfect childhood either, but I always knew that I was loved and it breaks my heart to think of children out there with no one to love them that way. I certainly tip my hat to the people that care for foster children as one of their own, but I don’t think I could take the uncertainty of this child that I have cared for and grown to love being taken away from me at any given moment and I would hate to put a child through that. I like the permanence of adoption, plus then you can raise the child how you would your own children without having to worry about as much interference from outside parties.
Post # 7
@kris325: I think if you are emotionally capable of fostering kids (where the ultimate goal is still reunification with their birth parent), I think you should really do that. If the child then comes up for adoption, the current foster parents are usually the first choice. In the meantime, you can teach your kids about fostering.
While my parents didn’t have foster kids, they did open their home to cousins & friends who needed a place to stay for an extended period of time. I grew up with people living with us & being part of our family for years at a time. Sure, it was hard when they moved & I missed them, but it taught me about being welcoming & giving and also about staying in touch even when circumstances change.
Post # 8
Thank you all for the input. We still have time to decide and a lot to consider but I like the idea of taking fostering classes now even though it’s years ahead, it can give us a better idea.
I know it would be so hard to let them go when we foster but I have been strong before and can be again, especially with Gods strength. I just don’t know which would be best for the child and our family
Post # 9
My coworker is a foster mom, and has one son who was actually one of her foster children.
She has no intentions of adopting any more children, but still fosters others. Her son is 8, and fully understands the process of fostering & he LOVES it! Sometimes they only have children for just a few days, some a few months; but her son absolutely loves having these children come in and out. She said he always asks when they are going to get their next foster child!
As far as for my coworker and her husband, like you, they felt like it was a calling. And after many years of fostering, they see it as a job & commitment to the job. Therefore, there aren’t issues of attachment, etc. Not that they are desensitized. they just fully understand their role, the importance of that role, and that fulfills their lives.
Post # 10
I love the idea of both fostering and adopting. My FH wants to adopt rather than foster, but we have discussed fostering children before or after we have our own kids.
Post # 11
I voted Other because I support the idea of adopting AND fostering. Fiance and I plan to do the same thing once we’re more permanently somewhere.
Post # 12
@kris325: I was a foster care worker before I went back to grad school, and there is SUCH a shortage of good and safe foster homes, particularly that will take older children. Any agency would be lucky to have you!
Post # 13
My parents were fostering before I came along. I don’t remembering it ever being explained to me but my earliest impressions of it was that their parents had problems and we were helping out by giving the child a safe and happy place to be and treating them like family while their parents worked on their problems so they could be a family again. I always knew they were there temporarily. And as much as I may have wanted them to stay, I couldn’t not be excited and hapy they were getting to go home to their family that they missed. There were a few I kept in touch with for years even though we weren’t supposed to.
As I got older, especially as a teen, I knew a lot more about why they were there and the horrible things people do to their children and could have happily lived life not ever knowing a few of their cases. Sometimes they’d wake me up to talk about their bad dreams or fears or stories, I think since I was closer in age it was easier to talk to me then wake up the adults they barely knew. So it made me jaded pretty early on.
Overall though, I think it was wonderful. We had all ages, but usually only girls. So I don’t know what to call myself, technically I’m an only child, but there were only 2 years we didn’t have foster kids so it’s not like I was the only child lol. We had around 50 children in my life and some were great fun and some were horrible. We had children from different cultures and religions (and those were always accomodated). I learned a ton about getting along with various people, plus interesting things about other cultures and religions. There are many children I remember fondly and bad ones (who unfortunately were usually bad due to their situation) well, they eventually left lol. We only had one that my parents were going to ask she be moved because she literally had no care for anyone or remorse, but she seriously harmed another younger child at school and was placed in a special group home.
Hope that helps with the perspective of a biological child who grew up with foster children in the home! Feel free to ask if you have any questions, just be sure to reply to this post (or PM me if you want) so I will be assured to see it. I mostly just cruise the recent posts/replies when I pop on Wedding Bee.
I think whatever you want to do, there are children who need it, so go with your heart!
Post # 14
Adopting from the foster care system (if it becomes a possibility) can be wonderful. I’ve seriously considered adoption (and in my state, adopting from the foster system is among your best options). Some states have online listings of kids now, with some indicating whether or not it’s likely they will eventually need to be adopted. I don’t know if I could handle some of those children – many have special needs, and as you point out, many are from turbulent homes and it shows – but more power to those who can.
Post # 15
- Wedding: September 2013 - Creek club at ion, SC
Im going to be very direct
Fostering is hella hard especially if you have other kids and especially with older kids.
Youve got all these kids coming from various foster homes, where they may have picked up bad habits, been abused etc etc. That may come into your house, bring all this with them and be around your child. Have you thought about that? Teenage girls that are messed up through no fault of their own come into your house and take a shine to you husband, can you deal with that? and vice versa? The amount of physical, sexual and emotional abuse they can go through, which they just see as some type of normal. Many use manipulation and lies as a kind of way to protect themselves and survive
With some foster kids the parents are still in contact with the kids and those parents can be the worst to deal with and try and influence the child in all the wrong ways.
My cousins were adopted at 4 and 6, they came from abused homes, they still had a lot of issues which manifested at an older age. While I blame my aunty for some things it wasnt all her fault and she did what she thought was best. It didnt help that this was an “open adoption” and their mother was an abusive manipulative B**** who made my auntys life hell and was still allowed access to her kids despite the horrendous abuse she inflicted.
Im not saying not to adopt or foster but it really needs to be considered from all angles before you jump in and then decide you cant cope – as this is not good for the kid to be bounced around. You could try volunteering and helping out with that age group to get a feel for it, ive done a lot of youth work and worked with loads of foster kids, really do some research into it.
I too want to adopt, I want to adopt a disable kid actually, but Ive decided to adopt from a very young age so i can bring him up with my own a little easier and to try and continue working as a big sister/mentor to those already in the system.