Post # 1
and my friend from highschool is bringing her one year old son!
It was made very clear on our invites it was an adult only wedding, reserved X amount of seats in your honor etc. At my bridal shower this friend told someone that she’s bringing her one year old son to the wedding – he is still breastfed and doesn’t take a bottle so I know it would be hard, if not impossible, for her to not bring her child. However the only children at the wedding will be the 3 that are actually IN the wedding.
How do I go about this? She lives about 2 hours away and her parents are about an hour away so leaving baby with friends/family is not an option. Fiance and I thought maybe they could get a hotel room thats right next door and have her mom stay there with baby and she can go and check on him as often as she needs to. How do I casually/nicely tell her my thoughts?
Post # 3
It’s going to be harder to tell her you can’t accomodate children since you’re having children in the wedding there. You’re free to tell her she can’t bring her child, but I think you need to weigh whether you’d be more upset if she brought her kid versus upset that she’s not there at all. It might be worth it to accommodate her if you really want her there, otherwise let her know that there are no exceptions.
Post # 4
IMO if you want a no kids wedding, it isn’t really fair to have children in the wedding party. The only reason I say that is because the parents that had to make arrangements for their children will see the Flower Girl or Ring Bearer and wonder why their child couldn’t come too. It seems bias to me. The only thing you can do is casually bring up if she has found a babysitter for the wedding because you can recommend an awesome one and then go from there.
Edit: my reasoning is that kids in the wedding party can make just as big of a scene/mess/noise as kids that aren’t in the wedding party.
Post # 5
I actually disagree with the “No kids or all kids” rule. It’s reasonable to allow kids that are actually in the wedding to… well… be at the wedding.
I’d ask her if you can help her find a local sitter. Use your area connections to find someone nearby and maybe arrange a meetup (which could also be a good reason to shop/lunch/whatever with your friend) before the wedding.
Post # 6
Im with atalane, you can not invite kids to the wedding, but have them in your wedding party. Most people will understand that children in the wedding will of couse be at the reception. People will not, however, understand, why an exception was made for your friends child and not theirs.
If you want to have an adults only wedding you have to be prepared for people who chose not to come if they cant bring their children. I would tell her you heard she wanted to bring her child, but your wedding will be adults only. Then suggest she have someone stay in the hotel with her child, or suggest sitters for her. If this doesnt work for her let her know that you are sad she cant make it but you understand.
If you make an exception for her, it will not be fair not to do so for your other guests.
Post # 7
“FI and I thought maybe they could get a hotel room thats right next door and have her mom stay there with baby and she can go and check on him as often as she needs to.”
That is crazy! I think you need to decide whether you want your friend at the wedding or not.
Post # 8
In my opinion, it is your wedding, if you do not want kids there it’s your decision. You just have to decide if you care if your friend decides not to come. You could always offer to help her find a sitter, but just know she may still decide not to come.
Post # 9
It’s not completely that we don’t want kids there – its that FI’s cousins and friends of ours have kids…and total kids invited would be around 23 and we just couldn’t do that. We are having a smallish wedding and didn’t want to invite some kids and not others that’s why we went the adult only route.
@MrsTVLover: Why is that crazy? She lives 2 hours away from her house and her family’s house so she would likely get a hotel room with or without her baby going to the reception. I’ve met her parents a couple times, but am not close to them so it’s not like her mom would be missing out on our wedding by watching her grandson who she rarely sees as it is.
@Mrs.ChubbyBunny:I agree that kids in the wedding party can make just as big of a mess as any other kid, if not more! However the kids in the party are my sisters children and she is a single mother so being that it’s my wedding nobody else could really watch them (father isnt really involved). Also for the fact that I love them both as if they were my own, as most aunts do! 🙂
Post # 10
I am planning on having an adult only wedding/reception but I will have my 2yr old daughter as flower girl and 2yr old nephew as ring bearer. That is totally my choice. But I have been to weddings that stated ‘adult only’ and I saw little kids (not in the wedding party) there…at that time I did’nt have a child and I was still like ‘what the eff?’. I can’t think of any great answer to your question except maybe your idea of her getting a hotel room close for her mom to watch the baby?? Good luck!
Post # 11
If you want to make an excpetion for her, and if the reason you aren’t having children is because of the guest count, you could justify her child there as he is breast feeding, and is not sitting at a table or counting in the meal totals. (Assuming, or course, he is 12 months so that is true. Rather than 23 months where he is sitting on his own and eating table food.)
Though you really don’t have to make an exception for her.
I am thinking there would be nothing enjoyable about being at a wedding with my 1 year old on my lap unless the aunts, uncles, and grandparents aren’t there, so I’m trying to figure out why she would come with a one year old.
Post # 12
@charmed59: I don’t think she’s really ever been away from her son since he is breastfeeding and doesn’t EVER take a bottle. Granted I am not a parent but I couldn’t imagine not being able to go to a function without my child for a few hours. I would think she would want some adult time since it is so rare for her.
I think Fiance and I are frustrated because she just told someone at the shower she was bringing him and never asked us if it was okay. Also because we aren’t even having our own family (children) there so why should she be allowed to bring her son just because he’s breastfeeding and doesn’t take a bottle?!
Post # 13
I disagree with the PP’s who used the “all or none” defense. Children in the Bridal Party are completely different than the children of guests. We are having an “adults only” wedding and my 3 cousins, 2 teenagers and one under 10, will certainly be in attendance since they are in our Bridal Party. A number of our guests have children, some even under a year old, and they’ve all made arrangements for their offspring with absolutely no negativity towards us or our “no kids” rule. If you ask me, it is amazingly rude to just assume that your kid is invited especially since you specifically notated “Adults Only”.
My Future Brother-In-Law & Future Sister-In-Law just had a baby last week so our niece will be less than 2 months old at our wedding. As much as we love her, she isn’t invited. Neither of us feel that weddings are appropriate for babies so my FSIL’s parents will be coming out that weekend and staying with the baby in their hotel room. We’re getting married at a resort so Future Sister-In-Law will go back and forth to the hotel room to nurse.
If you choose to make an exception for this friend and her child, be prepared to have some irritated wedding guests who were respectful enough to cut the cord for a night and find childcare for their kid. Things like this tend to get messy when you have disrespectful wedding guests.
Post # 14
@UpstateCait: Thank you!!! That is exactly what we are doing & how we feel about our “adult only” wedding! I’m glad you brought up ‘cutting the cord’ because after all we are adults and I can’t imagine any parent would have a horrible time without their child being there!
Also we are having open bar so my thinking is if your child is there you (hopefully) won’t be drinking as much as if they weren’t there…so why on earth would I want to pay for open bar for every adult there when they won’t be drinking because of their child being there and having to watch them?
Honestly we really do not want to make an exception for this particular guest. I would love for her to be there (she has already RSVPed yes) but we aren’t that close to where I would feel comfortable making that exception. I understand she is breastfeeding but on the otherhand it’s not my fault she has never given her son a bottle. I don’t know how to bring all of this up to her since she hasn’t mentioned anything to me about it – and i just heard it through the grapevine.