(Closed) Advice about a 'best friend'? (former MoH – Sorry for length)

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@icanhearyousmile:  I don’t think you are being selfish at all. It sounds like plain jealousy on her part. She keeps changing her dates for her wedding and even admitted the only reason she’s planning a wedding is because you are.

At this point, do you want her at the wedding? I would send her an invite to be nice but really I would just cool the friendship until after the wedding. She’s the one causing the issues, not you.

I planned our wedding before we got formally engaged because my now DH did not want us stressed out during our engagement period. I’m glad I did! By the time we were formally engaged we had the date and all the vendors picked out!

Post # 6
Member
2188 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2024

She is just jealous and trying to one-up you. I would honestly delete your Pinterest board and start a new one only YOU can see and don’t invite anyone, have it be your ideas and that way nobody will steal them. I wouldn’t post on her board and if she asked why you aren’t say you are busy planning your wedding, you don’t have to give her ideas for hers too. I would just cool it with her, she is a jealous green eyed monster and it’s only going to get worse. I would invite her to yours as a guest but nothing else. I also would decline going to hers and site money as the reason as she did to you. She just sounds like a bitter jealous person and you shouldn’t feed in to that.

Post # 7
Member
1685 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

This could be a blessing in disguise.  Having a MOH who lives far away is very difficult.  She won’t be able to coordinate and help plan like if she was local.

That being said, it sort of sounds like she’s in a weird patch right now.  I’d give her a call and let her know that you still would love to see her on your wedding day, and you hope she can make it even if she can’t commit right now.  Then I’d just let it cool.  Let her figure stuff out on her own.  I’m not sure what’s going on with her wedding, but it seems to be stressing her out.  She probably can’t add any other responsibilities at the moment.

Be there when she needs you, but don’t pry, and give her the regular guest treatment.

Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
206 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

She sounds like a real B.  Or at least she is acting like one.  It really sounds like she is trying to one-up you- out of jealousy I am sure.  You sound like you have been pretty understanding about her issues- I definitely do not think you are being selfish.

If your friendship is important to you, which it sounds like it is/was, I would have an honest conversation with her.  If you don’t think you can express yourself verbally, maybe write her a letter or an email.  Just get your feelings out there on the table and brace yourself for her response.  She may apologize and acknowledge her behavior, or she may not at all, but at least you would have closure.

Post # 11
Member
5894 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Stand back and watch the train wreck…she may have to a simlar wedding to you, but she’ll get to have a unique divorce…

Post # 13
Member
206 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@icanhearyousmile    Good luck!  Whatever you decide to do will be the right decision 🙂 

Post # 15
Member
226 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@icanhearyousmile:  I don’t think you are being selfish at all. In fact, I went through the same thing.. my best friend of 18 years. 18 years…so many transitions in life and she could not be a normal friend and be genuinely happy for my engagement (which she knew about for several months) because she was single.

I feel like unfortunately, your very best friend can be comparing her life to yours (as in my case and sounds like yours too) and gets lost in being jealous of your life and making things a competition. 

Did she ever say things to you like, “I never thought my life would end up this way. etc. I never thought you’d be getting married first.”.. Yet the next phone conversation…said things to completely contradict whatever she was telling you the previous time. 

If that answer is yes.. and you can recall a time or many times where this happened. Then, she is in fact… jealous of you and instead of saying “I’m jealous of you” straight out…she’s acting out and lashing out by 1. hurting your feelings, 2. putting you down, 3. not wanting to take part in your special day, 4. giving you a bunch of excuses.

 

My ex-best friend who was going to be my bridesmaid…friendship broke up with me because I had other friends. So ridiculous in our adult age. She lives states away and was constantly putting me down saying “i’m not fun anymore”, “there’s so many things I’d rather be doing than wasting my life away to a man”, and turning things around to me being a bad friend. Our mutual friends and even her parents, know that she was in the wrong for doing that to me.

It’s been 8 months since we’ve spoken and it’s hard but why have someone a part of YOUR special day that does not seem truly happy for you? Or someone that is competing with you? It’s not a competition-its your marriage, it’s the day we’ve all talked about that is finally happening and coming true. A best friend should be happy for you and should make it EASIER, not harder! I have analyzed, cried over, and been so hurt about doing the “right thing” or questioning my decision to not respond to what she wrote. I know you’re probably going through the same feelings and I’m sorry for what you’re going through… nobody plans on getting engaged and losing a best friend or being hurt from their #1 friend. It happens though. Life isn’t always what it seems and sometimes you just have to move on and believe that you don’t deserve someone in your life who is bringing so much negativity and hurt into your life.

I get upset every now and then but my life is better without the negativity and questioning her every move. My friends now I know are my friends and I don’t have to question whether they truly are happy for me or not.

And no, she is not getting an invitation. 
 

Good luck to you and don’t feel guilty.

Post # 16
Member
493 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

This really breaks my heart, mostly because I am dealing with a similar situation. Right now, my MOH best friend has pretty much forfeited all rights to the role with the amount of selfishness she has shown. To me, she’s just a normal bridesmaid, and even then I have a back up in mind in case she worsens. It’s so sad, and I hate what the jealousy in others causes. The only thing I can recommend is to keep your cool and plan without her, also to have a second MOH which is what I did. Let her participate when she wants, but only if you want her too. Otherwise I wouldn’t lean on her or trust that she will do too much. Make plans assuming she isn’t going to do anything. It sounds like she’s getting married for the wrong reasons anyway.

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