- 5 years ago
- Wedding: November 2013
First of all, hi everyone, I’m new to WB. 🙂 I’ve lurked and done some research here before but haven’t really actively participated. But I find myself in a bit of a conundrum and would like some advice from people who may have gone through the same thing as I am currently going through?
My “best friend” of the last 4-5 years was super duper excited when my now-fiance told her and another friend of ours that he was planning to pop the question. As per the standard today, they erected a Pinterest board, pinned a bunch of stuff, asked me a bunch of questions, and my best friend claimed the Maid of Honor slot, and her two small daughters (they will be 4) were nominated for flower girls.
As the time got closer for my FI to pop the question, she started getting impatient about her own relationship, wanting her boyfriend to propose to her, etc. They have been together approximately half the time my FI and I have been together, but she was complaining that things weren’t moving fast enough (or sometimes that they were going too fast). I started to plan, as we knew we wanted to get married in November even though he hadn’t ‘officially’ asked me yet (I now know that my FI would have asked me a lot sooner had he not had issues with the setting for my ring :P) and a couple days into my heavy planning she texted me and said, “I can’t deal with this planning shit right now. I think you should reconsider, I for one plan on having a long engagement.” So I stopped talking to her about it (she had stuff going on, I get it, it’s stressful).
She later texted me that she was going to go down to the courthouse that week and get married. And then changed her mind. And then changed it again. When I confronted her, she just said her situation had changed (they had some kid stuff going on with his kid from a previous marriage, I get it, okay). And then she changed her mind again because she wanted a big wedding.
When my FI finally did ask me, her response was, “Um…already?”
I continued my planning, etc., and when I emailed her one evening with gift ideas for her girls to ask them to be my flower girls, she texted me and said, “Realistically, I think you should ask [one of my BMs] to be MoH. And get different flower girls.” I was really upset and didn’t reply for a day or so, and when I did, she cited expense as the reason for dropping out. Okay, that’s fair. She’s in Texas, and I’m on the East Coast. She’s got 2 kids, I understand. It still hurt, though – she had supposedly been so excited to come out and had assured me just the week before that she was going to save up $$ and make sure she made it.
Five days after I got my ring and announced my engagement, she texted me that she was going to get married in February and then go on a cruise. My first reaction was, of course, “You can afford a cruise but not a plane ticket?” Maybe that was selfish of me, I dunno. When I brought it up to her she said, “Oh, we decided we can’t afford that, but we’re getting married in our back yard in April!”
When I asked her why she had again changed her mind and ditched her ‘long engagement’, she said that she didn’t feel “connected” to her SO, that they had nothing that was “theirs” to share. Which seemed odd to me. Another was ‘his parents are pressuring us’ And her final reason was: “Because you’re planning.”
Ever since then I find myself having a difficult time being genuinely happy for her. I am wondering if I am the one that needs an attitude adjustment – am I being selfish? Should I not be upset? Am I justified in being upset?
I learned that she created a Pinterest board for her wedding. Last night she invited me to it, and asked me to post stuff. Mind you, she hasn’t posted anything on my board in a few months now. A bunch of things from my wedding board are now on hers (which, part of me is mad about because I feel like she just swooped in and took everything unique and special to me away, and the other part is like whatever, it’s Pinterest, and there are lots of good ideas on there).
Part of me feels like okay, she’s an adult, she’s happy with her SO, she wants to get married, and I should be happy. The other part of me feels like she’s competing with me or trying to keep up/beat me down the aisle…And I feel like she’s got all this time to focus on her own (albeit a bit rushed) wedding..and part of me feels like she’s desperate to have a wedding because they’re supposed to be magical and whatnot.. She also has all of this time to focus on the expenses that will come with a wedding, but she was quick to drop out of mine (because of $) and quit planning (something she had once been so excited about). By inviting me to her Pinterest board and being outwardly excited about her own wedding, I feel like she is basically saying, “You’re not worth my time.”
We have been best friends for a long time. It’s really hurtful because I felt like of all people, she was going to be the one there for me and excited for me and getting me through this…but it has been quite the opposite. She has absolutely no interest in being a part of what she used to be so excited about. She assures me that, “If we can afford it, we’ll come” but I feel like that’s just a hollow end to make me feel better about her intention to not come (and hide behind the excuse). I know that money is tough, and I know it can be especially tough with children. That said, I’ve got other out-of-town friends who were notified early (just like she was) and have been saving money for a long time so they can be a part of my day.
Am I being too selfish? Am I trying to make it all about me? I understand that it’s my wedding and it should be all about me, but I’m trying to figure out if I’m missing something in this equation. Because of my internal war, I haven’t talked to her about how I feel because I’m not sure if I’m even in the right for feeling the way I do..if that makes sense.