(Closed) Advice About Fiance's Family

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Considering your Fi’s background perhaps he did some really bad things and there is still bad blood. I think the most you can do his support his choices and perhaps if he is willing work on including his family. Speak to him about how important it is and how much you want him to have family support there, and that perhaps he should try one last time.

The last thing you should do is go behind his back. That could cause all types of issues in your relationship, and it’s crossing several boundaries.

Also be realistic, perhaps the relationship can’t be fixed because family doesn’t want to be engaged and work on forgiving. Trust me this hurts him more then you, and all you can do is respect his choices, and be as a supportive as possible after you raised all your points and triedto make it work with his family. Then you just have to let it go.

Post # 4
Member
429 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

First of all welcome to the hive! Secondly I definitely wouldnt contact them behind his back, the only thing you can do is bring it up to him and let him make the decision. Explain to him that it would mean a lot to you if they were there. Im sure he wants them there too its probably more hard than any of us can imagine as to what hes feeling. Surprising him with family is really not the way to go though, this could make things worse if he’s not expecting them. I hope you guys can find out a way to have both your families there, it would make the day so wonderful. Make sure you keep us posted. All the best of luck!

Post # 6
Member
817 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013 - Mansion House at the MD Zoo

Welcome!

Did your FI do any kind of 12-step program when he got sober? One of the steps in AA, NA, etc is reaching out to people who the addict has hurt and apologizing. (and i think asking for forgiveness, but you can’t expect it, it’s more about the addict’s personal growth and change.) Anyway, if he did that and they did not respond positively, that may be what is going on there. If he did not reach out to them, maybe having the first contact be inviting them to the wedding is a lot of pressure on him. Maybe he would want to just start with calling or writing them a letter and talking about what is going on and the guilt he feels and see how they respond. Then he/you two can make a decision about whether to invite them at that point. Basically, take it in baby steps not start with wedding stuff which can add a lot of extra emotion and pressure. (even though it’s a happy thing!) As a PP said, he may have tried reaching out to his family already and been rejected, and that hurts.

You may want to talk to someone from Al-Anon as well–it’s a support group for loved ones of addicts. Even though he is clean and sober, it’s clear that what he did when he was using impacts his life still. It might be helpful to you to talk to people who have been there with someone they love to see how they handled things like this.

And you should be proud of him–it is an incredible thing to get sober and stay sober, especially since it sounds like he’s been through a lot.

Post # 7
Member
9143 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

I would encourage him to try to open th elines of ocmmunication but it’s ultimately his decision.  My ex-FIL forced my now ex-husband to invite his mother to the wedding even though he has a really bad relationship with his mother.  He regreted it and ultimately I took the blame for it which really affected our relaitonship.  It was not the main reason we eventually got divorced but his relationship with his mother really affected our relationship.

Post # 8
Member
1705 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I think this decision is going to have to be his.  And you should respect it.  But that doesn’t mean you can’t discuss your feelings about it with him.

Post # 9
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Welcome, first don’t go behind his back. It sounds like he could use some counciling, if he hasn’t really talked to you about it. Talking with a neutral person even once could do him a lot of good. Someday his mom will be a grandparent and I’m sure she would like to know you and her grandchildren. I would really start pushing for him to talk to some one.

Post # 11
Hostess
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

I think inviting them to the wedding is a really huge gesture for him right now. How about discussing a meet up or even a phon call instead? You could see how that goes and then re-visit the wedding discussion. 

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