Post # 1
So I have a little dilemma. My SO other and I are planing a trip to Mexico, but it falls on the week of one of my nieces birthday. I know when I tell me sister she will freak out that I cant make it. My sister and I never had a good relationship and we actually just started speaking again last month. Last October we got into a huge fight at my grandmas birthday party because my mom served me first at dinner and not her children. I told her to calm down and not make a big deal about it as there is food for everyone to go around (I was also sitting right beside my mom so thats why I got served first) and she started yelling at me so I yelled back and then we didnt talk until August until she texted me to go to my other neices birthday, I said I would love to go and would see her there.
At the party she also invited me to my nephews birthday but she said its okay if I cant make it. I am glad she understood that because I just started a new job and didnt want to take another day off in the same month. She told me to book my other nieces birthday off in October so I could attend and I said I would because I truly do want to go but now I cant. My SO took that week off for his vacation so I booked it off as well. The original plan was to just spend a couple days in Ottawa and then we can go to my nieces party on the Saturday. We wanted to plan a real trip but because I am new at my job I wasnt able to save up so we decided ill save and go on our anniversary instead (in march). All that was settled until we got a call fom my SO mom. His mom, step dad, grandma and my mother put some money together as an early christmas gift for me so I can afford to go on a proper vacation with my SO. We have been together for 6 years and never have been on vacation together! My SO has never been out of the province we live in, never been on a plane, never stayed at a hotel, never swam in the ocean and he wants to go to Mexico as do I but I know my sister will be upset.
Last year when my aunt couldnt make it to the same nieces birthday because she was going to Punta Cana my sister flipped out. She messaged her swearing and being very rude and self entitled and I dont want that to happen to me. She is very self entitled, so many people told her to get help for her attitude and she wont. My uncle calls it the princess complex and when we got into out fight while I was outside calming down he told he is tired of it. Her husband is the voice of reason but she never listens to him. How can I tell my sister I cant make it and have her not flip out , and if she does how should I respond? I dont want to go another year without talking to her again.
Post # 2
AquamarineQueen: Seriously? Tell your sister you have your own life, and if she can’t deal with that then that’s her problem. No way in hell would I put up with her behaviour, you only started speaking with her again a month ago, you have no obligation to her whatsoever. Your entire post is full of excuses(valid ones at that)about why you can’t go, you shouldn’t even have to explain yourself, you have a trip booked, simple as that, don’t go in all apologetic or else she’ll feed off that and try and make you feel bad, tell her you’ve booked a trip, it’s the only time your FI can get time off so you can’t make the party and that’s that.
She sounds like she’s so used to getting her own way that she cuts people off when she doesn’t, I couldn’t have people like that in my life, sister or not.
Post # 3
AquamarineQueen: you know, ultimately there’s nothing you can do to control her reactions. She sounds like an emotionally unstable, narcassistic pain in the ass. And that’s her problem- not yours.
I would tell her that your inlaws arranged for this and you feel it’s the right thing to go. send your niece a gift and that’s that. Who the hell makes that big a deal out of alllll their kids bdays every year!? And the who is served first thing is insane behavior. Truly. Wtf?
Give it your best shot but DO NOT be bogged down by her immature, the world revolves around me and my kids, attitude. If she swears at you- I would just say “sister, I love you and I love my niece, but I am taking my in laws up on their incredible offer for a once in a life time trip with my man. I will send a gift and she’ll get over it, and I hope you do too”
if she presses on I would give it back ” you need to grow up- the world does not revolve around you and your children” end of convo. She doesnt deserve to be cooed and coddled for her childish behavior- if she wants to act like a brat at some point you need to stand up to her or she’s just going to steamroll you for life. If she chooses to cut you out of her life- that’s her (insane, selfish, immature) decision.
Post # 4
AquamarineQueen: It’s a child’s birthday. It’s not the kid’s graduation, wedding, or whatever. Your sister will need to get over it. Enjoy Mexico!!!
Post # 5
I have kids and if an aunt or uncle had to skip a birthday it would not be a big deal. If they missed EVERY birthday it would annoy me- but that doesn’t sound like what’s happening here. Go on your trip!
Post # 6
Go on your trip and send a nice gift. Maybe suggest that you bring your sister and neice on a fun outing?
Post # 7
Don’t let your (childish, rude) sister manipulate you. I can’t imagine not going on a vacation because of a niece’s birthday party.
Post # 8
Unfortunately, you can’t control her feelings. You’re going to have to tell her unless you cancel your trip and go to the birthday, which would be a serious mistake. You can’t tiptoe around your sister’s emotions the rest of your life out of fear that she won’t talk to you. Honestly, if she ever spoke to me like that, I would welcome the distance. She has no right to treat you like that.
Post # 9
LudaRae: I would send a birthday gift a little early, track it and call your neice after she receives her gift and explain to her you love her and are sorry to miss her birthday but will do something fun together on your next visit. Your sister sounds awful, go on your vacation and swim in the warm ocean waters of Mexico!
Post # 10
AquamarineQueen: For the sake of your relationship with your sister now, and many many years into the future, I suggest you read the book called “The Dance of Anger” by Harriet Lerner. Your sister has learned to take advantage of you and likely many others around her by throwing child-like temper tantrums and freezing you out until you bow down to her.
I suggest reading this book because it will empower you to learn how to interact with your sister in a different way that will stop this dysfunctional dynamic (at least between the two of you) that is currently poised to go on for life.
In fact, I think you should read the book on your VACATION with your SO 😉
Post # 11
Here’s what I would do: Give your neice an early birthday gift/card, maybe take her out to lunch and a movie, and if your sister throws a fit about your vacation, tell her to F off.
Post # 12
LudaRae: MrsBuesleBee: LilRhodyGem: eeniebeans: damarajade: stillme: megz06: akazan: akazan: Happy2bMrs: bbbria: Thank you so much for all your replies! I was planning on taking a day to go to their house after I get back and give my neice a gift. I live 2 hours away form them so that migh take some time but I will do it when I can get a weekend off (I always work weekends). The trip isnt booked yet, but we already know what hotel we will be staying at, but once we book it I will let her know. I just hope it wont go as badly as I am imaging. I am so sick of our up and down relationship, this isnt the first time we had gone months without speaking and I always end up talking to her again without any aplogies from her. I think if she reacts badly then Im just going to tell her to F off and I cant deal with her attitude anymore.
Post # 13
AquamarineQueen: your sister sounds like an immature, spoiled brat. While her kids might be the centre of her universe, they aren’t the centre of everyone else’s. Taking time off work to go to a child’s birthday party? Are you kidding me? What planet does she live on?
If I were you, I would tell her what I’m doing and why. I would ask if I can stop by for half hour to visit the kids and drop off a birthday present before my vacation. And that would be the end of it. If she tells you no, what you do is listen to her and don’t bring the kids anything. And let that be the end of it.
EDIT: I just read that you live 2 hours away?? Put your niece’s gift in the mail so it arrives before her birthday and that’s that. Your sister needs to grow up.
Post # 14
AquamarineQueen: Here’s your problem: You are trying to use logic to solve a problem, but the problem is crazy and irrational.
That never works. Your sister clearly has some issues, and no matter what you will never please her 100% of the time, because you aren’t the problem. Her behaviour is off the charts unreasonable. I would go ahead and continue being the kind and respectful human being that you are, and know that she will blow up at you anyway.
Do know that you don’t have to listen to someone yell at you for hours. I have a relative like this, when she gets over the top on the phone I say very calmly, “I’m going to hang up now because this conversation seems to be making you very upset and I don’t want you to be upset.” Then I hang up, and if she calls back 10 times, I don’t answer.
Enjoy your vacation.
Post # 15
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
Your sister sounds very difficult. At some point you are going to have to stop caring about how she’s going to react. Her reactions are irrational; you have no reason to buy into it.
Go to Mexico. Give your sister your regrets and get your niece a present. Done. If your sister demands or expects anything else, that’s her problem.