- 5 years ago
- Wedding: October 2011
I’m in a bind and need some real advice from people outside of the situation.
Let me start out by saying that while I am good at it, teaching is not really my passion; I received a grant to attend college to become a teacher, and coming from a very poor family, I felt at 17 years old that it was one of the only ways I could attend college. I always wanted to be a writer but figured that if I became an English teacher, I could transition into writing when I was older and after having “done my time” to cancel out my loans. I freelance on the side and love it.
I am currently in my fourth year of teaching. I spent my first three years in a tiny, rural school that was a positive experience, for the most part. I left on great terms with everyone there and was sad to leave good friends and a unique environment behind, but my husband couldn’t find any work opportunities in the rural area. My principal even told me before I left that I was the best teacher in the school and he hated to see me go.
I am now teaching at one of the best schools in our state, and yet I come home crying every single day. Even now, I sit at the computer trying to type out my lesson plans, and I’m stuck. This is one of those schools where the kids are very well-off and feel like the school and teachers owe them a lot to which they owe nothing in return; I hate to complain, but I DREAD going in each day. My administration is fine and I have enough materials, but teachers here very much keep to themselves. While I don’t see work as a social networking endeavor, I have made no friends here, despite trying to put myself out there.
It’s tough to “tough it out” when I take so much work home and feel like it’s taking over my personal and work life… if it was just a difficult “9-5,” it would be different, but so much prep is involved at home that I feel like it never goes away…
I’m so unhappy that I am shockingly depressed, and my anxiety is becoming an issue for the first time in years. All I want to do is quit, and I have no joy left for this career. I try to hide it the best I can and take pride in my job, but it’s becoming harder and harder each day.
My husband knows how upset I am, and I have brought up the prospect of quitting mid-year to him several times. He wants me to stick it out for the year and then, if we are financially stable enough, talk about quitting at that point.
I know it’s probably stupid financially, but I feel like there’s no way I can make it to the end of the year without sobbing my way through it and becoming even more depressed (if that’s possible!).
I know it sounds selfish, but I don’t know how to get better. This job is the only thing in my life making me this unhappy, so I feel like until it’s gone, I can’t get better. I would be willing to get a job basically anywhere else at this point and don’t expect him to carry the load alone, but I feel like it makes sense for me to quit after this semester ends in January.
I wouldn’t be leaving a group of kids mid-year if I left at the end of the semester, and people are constantly lining up to work in this district, so I know if I were to let them know very soon, my admin. could handle it.
The main dilemma would be that I would owe my grant program enough money that I would only be left with a few thousand in the bank, and I don’t have anything lined up. I have been so sick and so consumed with this demanding job that I haven’t been able to look as seriously as I would like for another job. I would also possibly lose my teaching license for a year, but I don’t know how much that matters if I don’t want to teach anymore.
What do you think? Is my husband right? I don’t want to be selfish, but I just feel my stability slipping each day. I want to be stronger for him but don’t know if I can do it.