Weddingbee boards

Hi Hive- I need some advice regarding visiting with the inlaws.

My husband and I live in Boston.  His parents are retired and live in North Carolina (in the boonies- not near any major airport).  We don't get to see them often because we don't have lots of $ to fly or vacation days to allow us to drive down.  They don't come up often, either, and when we do, they always seem like they are in a big rush to get home (ie they left our destination wedding before most of the guests!).

And when we do go down to visit them, they don't adjust their schedules- they leave us at their house to go to their clubs and activities!  When we leave, his mom cries about how much she misses him, but she can't skip choir practice to have dinner with us when we're there!

We were married in September, honeymooned in October, and really couldn't afford to take much time off for Tgiving.  We hoped his retired parents would come up to Boston or to my parents' home in NY for the holiday, but they refused, saying they had already done a lot of traveling for the wedding (which was in upstate NY).  My husband was just going to tell them that we couldn't see them for Tgiving (it was his parents turn to have Tgiving with us this year), but his mom was obviously upset.  I felt really bad about that because he's an only child.  So I suggested that we meet them halfway.

They agreed and we met them at a hotel in Maryland (apparently his parents are bad at math, because we spent 9 hours in the car while it only took them 4 hours!).  We had the most depressing Thanksgiving dinner ever which his mom insisted on preparing in the hotel (Stovetop stuffing, gravy from a can, etc).  Whatever.  They got to spend the holiday with thier son, and even our 12 hour drive home was worth that.

We invited them to come up for Christmas at my parents' house (our parents seem to get along well) but they again refused- citing weather and travel time (they usually just drive up- and did I mention they are RETIRED and don't work).

My husband is really hurt by their frequent refusal to travel and the fact that they always rush back home when they do visit.  They are retired, financially secure, and healthy- why they want us to be the ones to use our precious/scarce vacation days and money to visit them (so they can leave us at their house while they maintain their normal daily schedule) is beyond us.

This really hurts my feelings too and makes me really angry.  For my husband's sake I try to keep that to myself and make excuses for them, but that doesn't really solve anything.

Do you have any advice about how to deal with this?  What can I say to my inlaws to encourage them to visit us?  What can I say to my husband to make him feel better about his parents behavior?

Thanks for the feedback.  I don't really know what his parents' issue is.  Unlike the grandparents you guys mentioned, these are not elderly people- they are both in their early 60s, vibrant, active, and healthy.  And they do travel- his mom is frequently in Florida visiting her mother, or in Virginia with her sister.  In August they are going on a cruise to Alaska.

It really does just seem like they want us at their house and that's it.

It's just really hurtful- especially to my huband and I. I guess we will just have to stop feeling guilty that we can't accomodate them.  If they want to see us badly enough, they will have to make the effort.

Thanks ladies.

I don't think they like staying at our apartment because it's only a one bedroom.  But they have stayed at my parents' house on more than one occasion (for our engagement party and my bridal shower).

I wish they would just join in with my family so that my husband and I didn't have to choose.  But they are kind of reserved and not as warm and welcoming as my family.  I think they might feel a little overwhelmed around my large, loud Irish Catholic family.

But given the size and closeness of my family, it is depressing to spend holidays with just the 2 of them and the 2 of us.  I try not to be obvious about it, but calling home to wish my family Merry Christmas and hearing all my aunts, uncles, cousins, parents, siblings in the background is hard.

I can appreciate that they want time with us to themselves, and we make an effort to accomodate them, it just really irks me that we go out of our way and they kind of don't.  We invite them a lot and they have only been up to visit us twice (once while they were already up for the shower) and on both occassions they left early!

I just don't understand why my MIL cries when we/they leave, but they don't come visit more often!

I think you guys are right and I have to stop trying so hard and stop taking offense.  If they want to see us, they will have to make the effort.

I think you might have just hit on some important points.  They probably arne't too comfortable staying in your apartment.  Maybe, especially since they are traveling a longs ways.  Sure they might go on cruises, but they stay in nice accomodations I'm sure.  Traveling to see other family doesn't seem to take as long, and perhaps they have larger homes for your in laws to stretch their legs.  Also, maybe it's somehow strange for them to be under their own sons roof, for some reason ???  IS he likely to tell the mto be home before 11pm or they'll get grounded??  Just kidding.  They might seem uncomfortable around your family too.  They don't exactly come across as introverts, but most of the travels you mentioned was their own family, not someone else's.

Is it possible to arrange for a decent hotel?? Offer to pay maybe?  Then it  would seem more like a vacation for them?

They might be intimidated by a larger Catholic family.  I hear that.  What religion are they?  Did you have a Catholic ceremony?  If so was there a problem?

Tanya- great minds work alike.

Our offers to pay for hotel or airfare insulted them!  So we've stopped mentioning the cost. Usually when they come up they do stay in a hotel. 

They are pretty reserved and the mom is Presbyterian (the dad is agnostic).  My MIL actually seemed pleased that we'd be having any kind of religious ceremony.  I didn't get any impression that the Catholic service was a problem (we didn't have a full mass, so no communion).  I think it might be more of an issue that their family is more quiet and reserved while my family is very gregarious and outgoing.  They might find it overwhelming?

Thanks everyone for the seniments and advice.

My sister's husband's parents have NEVER come to visit them - and not only have they been married for 5 years, but my little niece is 19 months old.  It really upsets my BIL.  And then, when the travel halfway across the country to visit, they also can't take any time to spend with them.  And then they say things like it's so hard to be separated from the grandbaby that they just can't take it, so maybe it's not worth even visiting.  And, of course, his mother calls when they can't come down for every little holiday, and cries extensively.  I personally think she's manipulative and has some some kind of personality disorder.  My sister knocked herself out for a while, but has since concluded that the only thing she can really do is not get sucked into the madness.

Interestingly, my MIL and SIL are the same way.  They used to visit my husband (and the kid) several times a year before we were married.  They haven't come down to visit since, although we have made it clear that they are welcome.  For Christmas they waited until two weeks before to tell us they weren't coming - and I don't think we would have known that early, except that I told him I absolutely had to know whether to expect them about noon, or later in the day (they only live a couple hours away).  And then they had the nerve to ask, after I mailed them their presents, when we would be up to collect ours!  I was really afraid that my husband would be upset - but actually he was pissed as hell.  He said that if they were so uncomfortable staying with us (that was the excuse - I think they're still just somehow offended that we sold his much smaller house and moved into mine) that they preferred not to see their grandkids at all, then (something unprintable). Not only are we not inviting them this year, we're taking the kids to Canada skiing for Christmas.

Anyway, I wouldn't take it personally.  It sounds like your ILs might just be adjusting to losing their son, and not doing it well, but it could be that they just aren't very social people, and nothing you do is going to make them any different.  FYI - if you have to do the travel to a neutral location for Thanksgiving thing, I would so find a nice restaurant and just go out, as opposed to doing the sad condo-kitchen version of the dinner.  Better yet, just pick a random weekend to meet them somwhere, and celebrate the holiday with dinner at home, and send them a centerpiece and call them up.  And don't beat yourself up for not being able to make someone happy when they won't put themselves out to at least meet you halfway.