Advice and understanding: Severely depressed fiance.

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2516 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Bubs17:  I think it is a very good sign he is taking care of himself now and willingly going into treatment. That indicates he wants to get better- checking yourself into a hopsital is probably very difficult. 

As for your other worries- this could have happened now, or 6 mo from now after the wedding. What would you do then? Only you can answer that. 

I don’t have any astrounding advice but it might be worth waiting on the wedding until he is in a better place mentally and you are too. 

Post # 4
Member
5228 posts
Bee Keeper

Bubs17:  I appreciate you not telling people that your FI is in the hospital, BUT, it should be because it is a private matter that he himself should be telling people about if he chooses, NOT because he has anything to be embarrassed about.

Depression and other mood disorders are a medical problem like diabetes. If your FI was in the hospital getting his blood sugar under control, no one would blink at it. This is the same thing. He needs to get the chemicals in his brain at the levels they should be.

Often times people will mask their depression very well from their loved ones. After a suicide, many families will say they had no idea, and it was a total shock that the person took their own life. None of this is your fault in any way. Just be happy he is getting the help he needs, and be the loving, supportive partner that he needs you to be. If you can’t be that person, then yes, you need to rethink the realtionship for his sake. He deserves a partner who will supprt him. I have to ask you though, If he was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis or diabetes, would you be having second thoughts as well?

Post # 5
Member
8905 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

I’m really sorry to hear this 🙁  Treatment via medication and counseling can be incredibly effective, and the fact that he wants to get better is a great sign.  You will need to help him stay motivated once the initial dedication starts to wane and be swallowed by his underlying depression.  Remember that it takes a few months for medication to settle in, and that he may have to try various types and dosages before finding what’s effective.

It might be wise to hold off on your wedding plans while all this gets straightened out, though.

Post # 6
Member
2084 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

 

Bubs17:  I think the feelings you are having and questions that are coming up in your mind are absolutely normal and you should not feel guilty for having them. If I were in your shoes I would absolutely postphone the wedding indefinately. You need to see how things play out and hear what the doctors say about his mental state in the next little while. He must make a serious commitement to ongoing counselling for sure, and if he refuses to do that then I certainly would not blame you in the least if you decided you couldn’t risk a future on him. What an awful situation to find yourself in. I’m sorry you are having to deal with this during what should be the happiest time of your life.

Post # 7
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Marrying him and supporting him, deciding you can’t handle this- both are good options I just don’t want you to feel guilty either way.  You’re not a bad person if you decide this isn’t what you want for yourself and your future children.  Marriage isn’t just about love- it’s also about compatibility and complementing each other.  Good luck either way.    

Post # 9
Member
4797 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Bubs17:  My ex was depressed and I personally couldn’t take it anymore. He would never get help. Now if you guy went to the MD and then straight into the hospital it may not have been your guy saying, “Hey, I need help, put me in there” it could’ve been the MD legally required too if he was making statements about harming himself. At least that was my experience. It’s a really fine line you are walking unfortunately. You don’t want to leave him because he’s ill, yet you are SMART to consider your future with him because there could be troubles the rest of your life. AND it can ge genetic. I’m certain my ex has passed it to a couple of his kids and he got it from his mom. It’s super sad really. I feel for you having to make such hard decisions.

Post # 10
Member
8905 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

Bubs17:  You are definitely justified in talking to him about the suicide thing though.  My husband went through a pretty severe mental health crisis at one point and did not particularly want to be alive.  However, he assured me that he’d never act on that because he knew that it would devastate me and his parents, and I knew I could believe him.  That was really comforting.  Hopefully once he’s out of the hospital, you can help him realize that no matter how deep his depression is, he can’t take that path.

Post # 11
Member
293 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Hang in there! Don’t make any rash decisions and give yourself some time to process everything – it’s a lot to take in.  Hugs!!!

Post # 12
Member
5228 posts
Bee Keeper

Bubs17:  I would talk to your FI about meeting with his psychiatrist to discuss diagnosis and treatment. The good news is that depression and other mood disorders are very treatable! There is no reason that you guys can’t go on to have a full and happy marriage, as well as being awesome parents. Good luck to you both!

Post # 13
Member
7212 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

I’m sorry to hear this. I know you are scared, worried and upset right now. 

I don’t think it’s possible for those who have not lived with someone who has tried to take their own life to really understand the toll on the family. I urge you to not underestimate this.  

its a disease, but the impact of it on those closest is not the same as diabetes, so this comparison is only applicable in the sense of having compassion and not blaming him.  when a parent or partner wants to die, it’s very disturbing. 

Actual suicide attempts by a parent are more than disturbing For children. Self medicating with alcohol will impact your family as well. These are fair questions to ask and investigate before you get married. underestimating a suicide attempt may be an attempt to comfort you, but it’s unfair to you in the long run. there’s a difference between talking about suicide and trying it. You are not married yet. 

 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by  BalletParker.
Post # 14
Member
671 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2015 - Family Farm

I am sorry to hear this. Depression is a horrible disease. There are a few things I want to say.

A depressed person often wears a mask. No one knows. I was that way for many years. None of my sisters or parents noticed till it was almost too late. You not noticing he was depressed does not make you a bad fiance. Nor does his mask make him a bad fiance.

You need to fully understand that it is a disease. Not a situation. Not a phase. Not somethign one can ‘get over’. A disease. That many, myself included, will battle for life. No one would tell a cancer pation to ‘get over it’. I say this because many seem to think this way, clearly you see that it truly is.

What you have to work on is having an open line of communication. It took years but now when I am having a bad day or start to feel like I am backsliding I can call my mother or FI and say, “I’m depressed.” We talk about it. No one EVER asks if it’s their fault or how to fix it. We talk and in the end I say. “I’m going to have a depressed day. AND that is ok. If it’s still bad tomorrow I promise I will tell you.”

The most important thing for a person who battles depression is to provide a loving accepting place where they can air their fears. This is a battle but one that can be won.

 

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