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Oh my. Your friend sounds like me about 10 years ago. That relationship is toxic and if she moves out there, you're exactly right, they will break up. What a mess.
I would seriously sit her down IN PERSON and tell her how concerned you are. She probably will not want to hear anything you're saying (i never did). But if she decides to go that's her choice. If it doesn't work out, she will have learned her lesson. But you need to still be the great friend that you are when this happens. I know it's hard for you too. She should never move anywhere for a guy unless there's a ring on her finger. I learned this the hard way too and am so much wiser for it. Maybe this is something she needs to do to learn.
Wow, that situation really sucks.
I can't believe your friend is leaving school for him? She's delusional! I'm glad that you care and are trying to help, but if she's all set about what she's doing and getting back together with him, you might just have to let her. She's gonna find out it was a mistake, but at least she learned on her own. Maybe when that happens she'll realize how crazy she's being.
As for inviting him, that's also tough. You don't HAVE to invite him, but I guess its polite to. I'm not really sure...let's hear what other people have to say.
Wow! Unfortunately the only way she will learn her lesson is to live with this guy i think. I think within a month max 3 she will be back once she sees him all the time and really sees who he is. Good Luck dear.
Oh man. This is a rough one. I was in sort of a similar situation with my MOH and her (now ex THANK GOD) BF. He wasn't as bad as this guy seems but he was no good for her, had substance abuse issues he wasn't dealing with, no ambition and she was constantly taking care of his s**t for him even though he was way older - that kind of thing. And I would hear the SAME STORY from her every time they would fight and every time they would make up I would hear that he had said the same s**t he said the last time. All you can do is be brutally honest with her and at this point I think you should. Even though my MOH stayed with the guy for a long time while this crap was going on, I never held back about how I felt about her being in that relationship, and while she didn't always take my advice, she always appreciated my honesty. And now that they are broken up she thanks me even more for always being blunt and honest with her throughout the whole thing. Don't hold back how you feel about this. Worst thing that happens - she gets pissed at you and moves anyway. She won't be pissed forever. You'll be the first one to get the phone call next time this guy f**ks up, which clearly WILL happen.
And don't stress the invite situation now. There are bigger fish to fry than whether or not you'll end up inviting him. I didn't want to invite my MOH's BF either but I put it on the backburner of my thoughts and was just sort of like I will reevaluate when the time comes and I have to decide. No point in thinking about it right now.
I think the only thing you can do is sit her down and tell her how you feel about it and then never bring it up again after that conversation. There's probably nothing you can say to make her change her mind. She's going to trust her own instinct above yours, which you have to respect. If you keep bringing it up you might ruin your friendship.
I am so relieved to know that I'm not the only person dealing with something like this. Thank you all for the advice, and please keep it coming!
I've been going through a really similar situation with my little sister. For the past... maybe 4-5 months?... the only things we've talked about are her and her fiance, their problems, how they just broke up again, how they just got back together again, etc... I know how difficult it is to have someone close to you make the same mistakes over and over again, even when you're trying your best to help them avoid those mistakes.
Unfortunately, if she really is your friend and you are committed to continuing the friendship, I don't think there's a lot you can do at this point. Definitely let her know that you think this is bad idea because of their past relationship, but also let her know that you'll still be there for her despite her decisions. It's kinda her mistake to make, even though it's hard on you, too. I think it's important to still be supportive of your friend, even if you don't support her choices or their relationship.
As far as inviting the guy to your wedding, can you just make a rule that bridal party members don't get dates? If not, I would just invite him. Chances are your Fi is right and they won't be together anymore by the wedding. Or maybe he won't even show up, if he really makes that little effort in other areas of their relationship. I know this is tough; good luck! I hope things eventually work out for you and your friend.
I agree with what others have said that you should sit her down and tell her exactly what you feel and what the relationship is like in your eyes. But that being said, she might not listen to you about it. All you can do is be there for her if you want to be her friend and hopefully she will learn a lesson that she shouldn't have a guy that breaks her to pieces and then pretends to care to put it back together.
Wow, how hard! It makes me so frustrated to hear women letting men treat them like this. We should all know better to not be blinded by whatever it is that makes us forget the bad things they do.
Sit down with your friend and tell her your concerns about her relationship. Not, "i hate him because..." but more so, "honey, i worry about you because you call me crying after he's done X, Y, and Z...." and addrss the issues with dropping out of school. If it doesn't help, just say, "know that I'm here for you. No matter what. If you are happy, I will be hapy, too. But if you find yourself stuck on that farm and you want to leave NOW, call me and I'll come get you. no judgement".
She may just have to learn this the hard way. they've been so cyclical, they're bound to break up again.
Hate that you're having to deal with this! I, like PPs have dealt with similar situations with friends. All they do is complain to you about the horrible things that are being done to them, yet if you say anything bad about them yourself, they defend them. And I know it's driving you crazy because all you can think is "Why can't she see what I'm seeing??????"
Unfortunately, aside from telling her how you feel, there's not much else you can do. Except let her do what she wants, and hope she figures it out on her own. One of my best friends dated a guy for years, who was even worse than your friend's guy sounds. She was blind to it all while it was happening, but now, a couple years after they finally broke it off, she can see the situation like we were all seeing it then. I think that's how it usually seems to go.
Good luck!!!
just let her live and learn... i kno that sounds very hard to do.. but ive been in a similar situation and been very stubborn about it... :( I kno you just want the best for her but in her mind she is doing what she thinks is right.. But down the road either way it may turn out , dont hate her for what decision she made just let her kno that you will always be here as her friend and that you are here for her! :)
This situation is so hard. I have been your friend! I dated my bf through highschool and into college. I was so head over heals for him that even when you got physically abusive, I didn't care. I made excuses and thought that it was always going to get better. I think the best thing you can do is sit and talk to her, one on one, and explain everything. Tell her you are there for her and only want what is best. Let her know that it puts you in a hard possition too, because you can't get along with him. She probably isn't going to listen and might even get mad, but its the best you can do, and when if all falls apart (as we all know it will) she will know that you cared then, so you will still care.
I've had friends with boyfriends like this and much much worse. I've spoken up and kept quiet and in my own experience I feel that it's better to stay out of it and bite your tongue.
I think that she is an adult and will just have to make her own mistakes unfortunately. Obviously we all love our friends and want the best for them but we can't make decisions for them.
Imagine what will happen if you tell her that you hate her boyfriend and that you don't want him at the wedding. What if she still chooses to move and be with him? She may be seriously offended and not come to the wedding. I'm sure a lot of us have read posts about bridesmaids dropping out of weddings because brides have refused to invite their boyfriends. I know that the wedding is "our day" but you'll be too busy to even notice him. He'll wish you congrats and that will be it. He won't ruin your day and your friend will be happier to have him there.
I'm sure she knows how you feel. I would just be as supportive of her decision as possible, hopeful, and prepared to pick up the pieces if necessary.
I've unfortunately made the mistake of speaking up about some of my friends' horrible boyfriends and sometimes they choose the boyfriend and our friendship has significantly suffered. One girl even cut ties with all her friends and chose the bad boyfriend.
That's an awful situation, and I'm sorry that you have to watch your friend go down such a toxic road.
I think as her friend, you should tell her your concerns. Don't accuse her or be aggressive or anything like that, but tell her because you love her and care about her so much, that you can't watch her go down this path without trying to caution her first. In the end, she'll make her own decision, but at least you were honest with her.
My best friend married a man I didn't like, and still, to this day, I'm so sad for her. He treats her poorly, and it kills me to watch. I feel for you.
Ummmm are you me? lol. I have a friend who was with her bf for 7 years. Starting in oct 2008 she found out he was cheating on her and she stayed with him through emotional abuse for almost anther full year. I got frequent calls crying, visits in the middle of the night, her telling me she was moving in with me (I offered about 47 times to let her move into my extra room bc she lived with him), etc etc. It got sooooo old to listen to her cry and then watch her go back to him. Again. and Again. I finally told her that I loved her and I would be here for her WHEN she left. But until then I couldn't hear it anymore. She left him about two months later. Sometimes tough love is necessary I think.
I would have a talk with her one last time about your concerns and then let it go. It's fine to be concerned about her and discuss those concerns with her, but after that the ball is in her court. It's her decision. It's no ones job to "make her see the light". Somethings people just have to figure out on their own, no matter how much it hurts.
Things might get more difficult for your friendship if she would ever decide to marry him. If she asked you to be in the wedding, you would have to really think about whether or not you support their marriage...because that's what standing up in a wedding is all about in my opinion. It's not just about supporting the person that is your friend, but supporting the union that is being created. Now I know they aren't at that point (or at least it doesn't seem like they are yet anyways) but it is something to think about because if you couldn't stand up in the wedding because you don't support the marriage, telling her this might help trigger her to think more deeply her relationships.
Good luck!!
Ouch! Sorry to hear about your situation. I've definitely been a fool in love before and sounds like a lot of other bee's have also.
I'm not exactly sure what you should do. Luckily, you have some time like your FI said, so don't need to rush a decision right now.
If it helps though - one of my sisters BM's has a very physically/mentally abusive husband who is in and out of prison. The moment my sister got engaged and asked this BM to be a BM, she explained that this husband would not be invited to the wedding. BM luckily understood and was able to tell her husband early on who also understood.
I know it's a very different situation for you, but if you decide not to invite him I think telling her earlier rather than later would be a good idea. Try not to do it while you're feeling angry about her situation though, calm yourself down first and explain it to her rationally.
Good luck!
I think you should voice your opinion once and then leave it at that. As a friend, you are there to support HER - even when you know she's probably making a bad decision. You don't need to judge, or talk about what a jerk the guy is because she's not going to hear you. Say your peace and then leave her to make her own choices.
In my experience, nothing that we can do or say will change someone's mind when it comes to dating and love. Nothing. And, unfortunately, harping too much on what someone does with their life actually can cause friction in relationships.
One of my BFFs moved in with a guy she had only known for six week. And she had a child! When she told me he was going to be moving in, I asked her why she was chosing to do that. I never once said, "I don't think you're doing the right thing," or "you're making a HUGE mistake," because I don't think that's how friends should say things. That's a judgment on someone else's life. Instead, I said, "I'm concerned that moving in with someone you don't really know whill cause problems down the road. I mean, this guy could be crazy."
Once I knew that she was set on her decision, I did my best to support her. I got to know him better, came over for dinner, and was there for her. When he started behavior became suspect, I was there for her. In the end, the guy ended up being a total looser and hurt my friend. And I was there to help her heal. That's what friends do.
Even though we can see something, it doesn't mean that the other person can or even that the other person is right. We all have our own lessons to learn for ourselves, and judging another's situation is just not what friends do.
So, my two cents would be to talk to her about how YOU feel. Use "I" statements, such as "I'm concerned that you're moving with no job in tough economic times, with debt..." or things like that. I would caution you from painting the boy in a negative light or calling him names. The last thing you want to do is make her feel like he's her only ally.
Hugs. Truly, it sucks to watch friends make bad decisions, but we're all human.
Thank you all so much for your encoraging words and advice. I feel so much more at peace with everything. I do love my friends very much and am sad that she may be making a bad choice. I will be sure to take all of this advice to heart.
As I am sure that she knows I don't care for her guy, I will make sure that she knows I will always be there for her no matter what. I won't make any decisions about inviting him to the wedding untill we are addressing those envelopes. If they are still living together, I'll do the right thing and invite him for her.
My only wish is to see her happy. Thank you all again.
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One of the girls in my wedding has been in and out of the most horrible relationship for the past 2 years. She met this guy in college, and for like the first month she was happier than I'd ever seen her before. Then it started. She would call me crying one week because he was breaking up with her and saying nasty things to her. Next week, they would be back together and she would just forget about how crappy he treated her. This has been going on for over 2 years now.
In August he broke up with her again, and of course she was really hoping they could work things out. I was about to leave on vacation, so I spontaniously sent this jerk a facebook message (which I now kind of regret doing). I basically asked him how he would feel if someone was treating his sister the way he treats my friend. I guess the message really hit home. He told my friend it made him physically ill for 2 days. Whatever.
Anyways, after this happened they finally decided to end things "for good" and see other people. Just for refrence, this guy has dated my friend on and off for 2 years and never once has he bought her a Christmas, Birthday, or Valentines gift. Not even a card! He has never met her family. His excuse being that he is too busy running the family farm. He lives in a neighboring state and it is kind of a drive but my friend would drive out there almost every weekend to see him. Yet, never once did he come to see her. So he had a really great thing going where he only had to see my friend every few weekends and never had to put forth any effort to see her.
So in August, they stop seeing each other, and in September my friend started seeing someone else. I met the guy, he was super nice, and she seemed happy. I thought that this was exactly what she needed to finally forget her ex. Well, of course as soon as her ex finds out that she is seeing someone else and might be happy, he starts texting her and calling her to tell her how much he misses her. I tried to tell her to ignore him, and I thought she was happy with new guy.
Well about 10 days ago, she called me to inform me that she is moving out of state to go live on his farm with him in January. She just started a paralegal program and will only be halfway done by then. When I asked her about this, she said that she was sick of school and might finish later. Ok... She has massive amounts of school loan debt and credit card debt, and seems to think she will be able to find a job somewhere in farm country. ???
I'm so annoyed with her that I haven't been able to answer her calls or call her back for the past 10 days. I don't know what to do. If I never had to hear about this guy again, it would be too soon. I don't think that moving in with someone as emotionally abusive as he is will be good for her. In fact, I am about 95% sure their relationship will be a failure no matter what they do. Of course she knows I dislike him, but I don't really tell her everything I am thinking in order to preserve the friendship.
As selfish as it is, I do not want to invite this guy to my wedding. I hate him for how he treats my friend. He is honestly the last person I want there that day. I don't know how I can't invite him though, if he is living with my friend who is in my wedding. My FI told me not to worry about it because he thinks that they will be broken up by then.
I honestly want my friend to be happy, but I can't take hearing about this guy anymore. It is all we talk about anymore. Have any of you been in a situation like this? I would love to hear some advice. It makes me so sad that they are trying to save their relationship by moving in together. I moved in with my FI because our relationship was so GOOD not bad.
Advice please ladies!