- 2 years ago
Going anon for this one as friends know my username.
I’m generally a very responsible, conscientious person. I take care of my health and my body, and in the last four years I’ve only ever missed a BC pill once or twice. Yesterday morning I knew that I had missed my Sunday night pill, but from reading the documentation I know that my with brand of BC you can miss one pill mid-pack (not at the beginning or end) and, as long as you take it as soon as you can, you’ll still be fine. So, when FI initiated in the morning, I was totally prepared to just wash up and take my pill then… until I opened the package and realized that, some way, somehow, I had forgotten to take them on both Friday and Saturday nights, as well as Sunday. This has never happened to me before.
Of course, realizing what that means, I start to panic and I tell FI that I need to get Plan B, and explain the situation to him. (I’ve never taken it or anything like it before.) He say that he’ll go and get it for me because I’m a hot mess, and while he’s gone I’m sitting there alone with my thoughts, and realize–that I really, really, really don’t want to take Plan B. I know as a responsible adult that we’re not ready for a child–we’re not young by any means, but we have a decent amount of student debt and FI is currently looking for a job in his field, so until then our finances are pretty tight–but the idea of terminating a possible pregnancy just made me suddenly rethink everything I had always thought about myself and what I would do in this situation. I’m pro-choice and believe that every woman has the right to decide what’s best for her, her health and her life, but I had always wondered how I would personally react if I was put into a situation where I would have to make that choice myself.
When FI got home I was sobbing and he sat there rubbing my back as I explained that I didn’t know if I could do it. He was honest and said that he didn’t think we were ready for a baby, but would be totally supportive and woudl stand by whatever decision I made. I ended up thinking about it for a few hours and then I took the pills, because I know for us it was the responsible decision… but I still feel absolutely distraught by it. I feel absolutely horrible thinking that I may have terminated a pregnancy. I know the package says that it’s only an 8% chance of getting pregnant in the first place (down to 1% with the Plan B), but still, I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve done something incredibly wrong. I’m at work and I’m trying desperately not to cry because I keep having these ridiculous thoughts about what the possible child could have possibly achieved and gone on to do. On some level that’s much deeper than my rationality and my sense of responsibility, I’m angry with FI for not telling me to keep it, which I know is absolutely ridiculous because he was super supportive and gentle and caring the entire time and because even though he told me his honest opinion, I take 100% responsibility for my own decision.
I don’t even really know what I’m looking for here. I know people who have taken Plan B or who have had abortions, but I’m not close enough to them to ask for advice on how to get past this. I know that this is probably going to stir up a lot of drama, too, like any post about abortion on the Bee, so I’m prepared for judgment… but does anyone have any advice on how to cope and get past this? I know it’s recent, but I just… don’t know what to do. I feel dread knowing that I’ve done something that I can never undo, and that I can never know the consequences of (as the likelihood is that I wouldn’t even have gotten pregnant). I’m scared that this will happen again, though I honestly don’t think it will, considering how hyper-vigilant about taking my pills this experience has made me. I just… need some words of advice, or or sympathy, I guess.