Post # 1
One of my bridesmaids is involved in a relationship with a man who lives in another country. She lived there for two years and is now back in the USA. They are in the process of getting an engagement visa (or something like that) so he can come live in the USA and they can get married and be together.
Unfortunately, theirs is not the perfect relationship. When she was living in the same country as him, she found out that he was seeing other women. He was at least emotionally involved with these women (she isn’t sure if he was sleeping with them), and that made her lose her trust in him. Obviously. They decided to stay together and work through their issues. Since then, they have still had their issues relating to trust and she has always decided to stay with him.
The problem is this. She still doesn’t trust him, and all of this really came to a head this week. So, he gave her a password so she could check something of his on a social networking site, and she figured that he probably had the same password for his email accounts. She logged into his accounts and found emails back and forth from some girl in his country. She completely flipped out and emailed him to ask him who this girl is and why he is emailing her. He said that the girl is interested in him, but that he has told this girl that he is in a relationship. My bridesmaid does not believe him. He feels like she betrayed him by checking his email accounts.
Now, my bridesmaid is asking me for advice. I am trying to keep most of my opinions to myself, and telling her to do what she thinks is best for her. But really, I think there is absolutely no way she can stay in this relationship or marry this man. She doesn’t trust him, and I’m not sure he can trust her. But, I don’t want to tell her this and have her get back together with him with her knowing that I don’t think they should be together. What would you do?
Post # 3
totally posted this in the wrong spot! sorry and feel free to disregard!
Post # 4
Cross cultural marriage (or relationships) is REALLY hard.
It requires amazing communication skills, and it doesn’t sound like your friend and her Fiance are there yet.
I’d say recommend she wait until she genuinely feels she can trust him, and he feels he can trust her, to get married. It’s not a good idea to marry someone who you can’t trust, even if there are visas at stake!
Post # 5
I moved this to Beehive for you; where would you like it placed? emotional for you 🙂
Post # 7
I agree with you that it’s not a good idea to tell her outright that she shouldn’t marry him would be bad for your friendship. She would very likely just get mad at you and still go ahead with her relationship. But I think you can sit down with her and tell her honestly that you have some concerns. You can tell her that you’re glad she’s found someone that she wants to spend the rest of her life with but that you’re worried about the stress of trying to get a visa while she’s working out some of the issues in her relationship. That way you guys might be able to have a conversation that would help her realize that those issues need to be worked out before she makes the commitment of having him move here on one of those visas. You’re not telling her that you don’t think it should happen, so she is less likely to get defensive or offended. With any luck, she’ll figure out that this is not the right relationship for her, but she’ll figure it out on her own and your friendship with her will still be intact on the other side. I think you’re right, it doesn’t sound like a good situation. Good luck (to you and to her)!
Post # 8
Thanks for the advice! I really appreciate it!
Post # 9
Tell her to wait until she knows she can trust him. Trust/communication are the biggest parts of what can make marriage work.
Post # 10
I think your friend probably already knows the truth deep down and is looking for affirmation from you. Just be supportive and encourage her to look at the situation for what it really is. It sounds to me, from experience and friends who’ve experienced similar situations, that this is not going to work out in the long run, but that is just my take not knowing the people or the entire story. Good luck to you and to your friend, I hope she makes a good decision for herself.
Post # 11
As you recognize, they have each betrayed eachother’s trust. My first question is whether she recognizes this?
In any long relationship, there will be betrayals, mistakes, dissapointments, etc. We get into relationships with people, not angels. The issue is not so much that there is a bump in the road, but how individuals react to it.
Therefore, I think the best advice you can give her, as she asks for it, is to consider how she is going to work through this. Clarly work must be done, but she needs to figure out what she is willing to do for him
Post # 12
I think the fact that she told you (right?) that trust was a major concern is a big red flag. Unless I’m completely misinterpreting this, her confideding in you gives you some leeway in terms of discussing it with her. The fact that she’s acknowledged the trust problem makes it seem like she’d be open to hearing advice on how to deal with the situation. (Had she not mentioned it to you, and had you only observed the problem yourself, she might be less receptive to hearing your advice.) Of course, I can completely understand the difficulty here–you don’t want to risk her friendship, but it’s possible that she’s making a big mistake by continuing this relationship. And of course the long distance–and the fact that so much paperwork is involved in getting visas, etc.–might make her feel like she’s invested too much effort in the relationship to give up. However, it sounds like this is something she REALLY needs to think long and hard about before he moves to the US. Even if he ends his relationship with the other woman, what’s to prevent him from starting anew with someone else? It seems like now is the time to discuss this with her, if you feel comfortable enough to do so. Hopefully she will realize that you are doing it out of concern for her, and having an honest (and not judgmental) conversation with a good friend might really help her review her options. I was in a similar situation with my good friend 10 years ago, and I really, really wish I’d spoken up more forcefully when she told me about some really crappy behavior by her fiance.
I hope everything goes ok. Good luck!!
Post # 13
I’m in kind of the same boat, my Maid/Matron of Honor is always moaning about all the things her SO does, and he treats her really badly, but she blows up at us if we try to suggest she deserves more. i think there’s not a lot you can do really, but support her when it all goes wrong. its tough though, watching someone you really really care about make decisions which end up hurting her more