(Closed) advice for a friend…kind of long

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Cross cultural marriage (or relationships) is REALLY hard.

It requires amazing communication skills, and it doesn’t sound like your friend and her Fiance are there yet.

I’d say recommend she wait until she genuinely feels she can trust him, and he feels he can trust her, to get married. It’s not a good idea to marry someone who you can’t trust, even if there are visas at stake!

Post # 5
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I moved this to Beehive for you; where would you like it placed? emotional for you 🙂

Post # 7
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

I agree with you that it’s not a good idea to tell her outright that she shouldn’t marry him would be bad for your friendship.  She would very likely just get mad at you and still go ahead with her relationship.  But I think you can sit down with her and tell her honestly that you have some concerns.  You can tell her that you’re glad she’s found someone that she wants to spend the rest of her life with but that you’re worried about the stress of trying to get a visa while she’s working out some of the issues in her relationship.  That way you guys might be able to have a conversation that would help her realize that those issues need to be worked out before she makes the commitment of having him move here on one of those visas.  You’re not telling her that you don’t think it should happen, so she is less likely to get defensive or offended.  With any luck, she’ll figure out that this is not the right relationship for her, but she’ll figure it out on her own and your friendship with her will still be intact on the other side.  I think you’re right, it doesn’t sound like a good situation.  Good luck (to you and to her)!

Post # 9
5498 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Tell her to wait until she knows she can trust him. Trust/communication are the biggest parts of what can make marriage work.

Post # 10
1189 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I think your friend probably already knows the truth deep down and is looking for affirmation from you.  Just be supportive and encourage her to look at the situation for what it really is.  It sounds to me, from experience and friends who’ve experienced similar situations, that this is not going to work out in the long run, but that is just my take not knowing the people or the entire story.  Good luck to you and to your friend, I hope she makes a good decision for herself.

Post # 11
2208 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

As you recognize, they have each betrayed eachother’s trust. My first question is whether she recognizes this?

In any long relationship, there will be betrayals, mistakes, dissapointments, etc. We get into relationships with people, not angels. The issue is not so much that there is a bump in the road, but how individuals react to it.

Therefore, I think the best advice you can give her, as she asks for it, is to consider how she is going to work through this. Clarly work must be done, but she needs to figure out what she is willing to do for him

Post # 12
230 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I think the fact that she told you (right?) that trust was a major concern is a big red flag.  Unless I’m completely misinterpreting this, her confideding in you gives you some leeway in terms of discussing it with her.  The fact that she’s acknowledged the trust problem makes it seem like she’d be open to hearing advice on how to deal with the situation.  (Had she not mentioned it to you, and had you only observed the problem yourself, she might be less receptive to hearing your advice.)  Of course, I can completely understand the difficulty here–you don’t want to risk her friendship, but it’s possible that she’s making a big mistake by continuing this relationship.  And of course the long distance–and the fact that so much paperwork is involved in getting visas, etc.–might make her feel like she’s invested too much effort in the relationship  to give up.  However, it sounds like this is something she REALLY needs to think long and hard about before he moves to the US.  Even if he ends his relationship with the other woman, what’s to prevent him from starting anew with someone else?  It seems like now is the time to discuss this with her, if you feel comfortable enough to do so. Hopefully she will realize that you are doing it out of concern for her, and having an honest (and not judgmental) conversation with a good friend might really help her review her options.  I was in a similar situation with my good friend 10 years ago, and I really, really wish I’d spoken up more forcefully when she told me about some really crappy behavior by her fiance.   

I hope everything goes ok.  Good luck!!

Post # 13
163 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m in kind of the same boat, my Maid/Matron of Honor is always moaning about all the things her SO does, and he treats her really badly, but she blows up at us if we try to suggest she deserves more. i think there’s not a lot you can do really, but support her when it all goes wrong. its tough though, watching someone you really really care about make decisions which end up hurting her more

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