Post # 1
Long-time lurker, first-time poster here. Hi!
Not sure I have a specific question, but I feel like you guys might be able to lend me your ears and perhaps offer some much-needed perspective.
I’ve only been with my SO for 1.5 years, we are long-distance (but have lived together for 3 months straight over the summer), we have talked about being 100% committed and even getting married. He’ll be moving to my city (and into my apartment) next month. He’s finishing his PhD and I’ve mentioned that I feel that we do need to be married if he plans on looking for jobs outside of Canada when he’s done his dissertation this summer (so I can go with him, visa-wise).
Because we’ve talked about weddings and he’s asked for my ring size, I kind of figured we’d get married relatively soon (maybe next fall, after his sister gets married in the summer). But last night he casually mentionned it’s a “long-term plan… maybe in 2 or 3 years”. Which threw me through a loop. Which it really shouldn’t have. Because we’ve only been together a short time. Right?
At the same time, I feel like since we’ve decided it’s going to happen, why shouldn’t it happen now? I guess it’s just my personality that when something is decided, I want to plan and get things organised and move forward. Maybe I just need another project to focus on? I’m 33 and we do want kids… maybe this is just the first time I’m feeling my age creep up on me?
Any advice on how to shift my expectations from “he’s going to buy a ring this second” to us getting married in 2017?
This topic was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by mcgoat.
Post # 2
Post PhD is extremely stressful and filled with uncertainty, as you probably know from him. So I wouldn’t be hurt by this or take it personally at all!! I obviously don’t know you guys, but I think that he could just be overestimating a bit so he doesn’t break a promise, which is a good thing. Once he’s settled it’ll probably be quicker than you’re thinking it will be right now especially with wanting kids.
Maybe try to think about it as how much you love him and how you want to make sure that he is excited about all aspects of life and not stressed about a post doc when starting his “official” life with you. I bet if you keep supporting him like you are, and help with the transition, it will be such a bonding and commiting experience that the time will fly. Good luck!
Post # 3
Thank you so much for your encouraging words. It’s amazing how comforting a bit of wisdom from a stranger can be!
I think you’re right about him perhaps overestimating the timeline (I hope hehe) and especially about focusing on supporting him through the somewhat overwhelming world of academia (from your handle and advice, I take it you know what it’s like!). I think it will be a lot easier when this is no longer long-distance and I can just enjoy our life without too much alone time to stress about the future.
Thanks a million for your help!<br /><br /><br />
Post # 4
mcgoat: My now-FI and I were talking about marriage probably a year and a half before he actually popped the question. I went through all the stages, excited, angry, sad, mopey, anxious, back to happy and repeating it all.
I can’t say the waiting is easy (like you I’d made up my mind I was keeping him, heh), but found that our guys really have to do things in their own speed. Men really tend to not do well when their career plans are up in the air and I found my FI had to settle that down before he wanted to propose. (And it was way better when he did it because he wanted to, not because I was pushing for it).
While I don’t have a PhD, I know plenty of folks who have gone through that very stressful process. I’m sure it’s hard to have his career up in the air. Just be patient and try to remember WHY you want to marry him in the first place. In the end, once you’ve been married for 20 years, a few extra months (or years) before you got married won’t really be on your mind. Keep the end in sight and just focus on being content together.
Post # 5
@MsKnitter: Thanks so much! I know I’m just being really impatient- and I’m working on it:)Thanks for answering, though, because your support and perspective means that I can hash this all out without pressuring him (or talking my friends’ ears off).
The last thing I want to do is push him. You’re right- he has to WANT to move on the next step (or skip all the steps like I might be expecting him to!).
I think while he works on his PhD, I’ll need to find myself a big project to work towards. Maybe not wedding-planing, though:)