(Closed) Advice for a Widow

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1481 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

It’s been less than a year since her husband of 40 years died, I think she has plenty more time to grieve. I think you’re doing all you can do at this point, just be supportive and know that she has her kids and grandkids to keep her busy.

When my great grandmother passed away, it took years for my great grandfather to stop being sad all the time. But he was still sad sometimes. When a person is a big part of your life for that long, it can feel like you lost apart of yourself.

That being said, if you know she hasn’t been taking care of herself, etc then you should try to get in contact with her family and let them know, seeing as how they’re still a big part of her life and probably have more sway.

Post # 5
Member
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@MrsTillerResq:  It sounds like you are being amazingly supportive and sweet.  Empathy goes a long long way in the grieving process, but certainly, there is nothing you or anyone can do to make it any better, any quicker 🙁  Because I am sure the only thing she wants is for him to be by her side once more.  It is heart wrenching to witness, but the small gestures go a long way, even if you think it is not making her ‘better’ – it is helping the hurt.

Post # 6
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Wow you are an amazing and caring person.  How nice of you to look out for her.  Does she go to church?  When my uncle passed away my aunt got very very active in her church and she joined the group their for widows/widowers.  They don’t sit around and talk about their passed away partners they go out and do things, plays, concerts, dinner and movies, a few times a month.  Also she joined the Red Hat ladies, and they are crazy lol in the best way.  They keep her active also.  I think you’re doing a great job, just wanted to throw those to suggestions out there.

Post # 7
Member
7992 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

She just needs time, I think, and a good friend like you. My only advice is to try and stop people from encouraging her to date and find someone else again. There’s not enough recognition in our society concerning just giving people time to grieve, I think. We treat grief as it it is a disease to be medicated, rather than a natural part of life.

Post # 8
Member
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@MrsTillerResq:  It sure isn’t easy.  My grandmother has been a widow for over thirty years.  I find that as she gets older, the lonelier she gets and the more she misses my grandfather.  This is, of course, exacerbated by the fact that all her siblings have also died before her (and she was from a big family), but she still has us (her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren).  However, your co-worker is also lucky that she has such a good friend in you.  It will be the support of her family and friends that help her get throught his and adjust to her new life as a single woman and head of the family.  Perhaps someday, when she is ready, she will also consider marrying again, although some widows (like my grandmother) never do.  Either way, she needs to find a new direction to take her life in, and that journey is always easier with the support of friends and family.

Post # 9
Member
71 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

You may not like my answer…  My mum passed 2 years ago, it was sudden and unexpected she was only ,and she was the strong one.  My dad was a wreck.  He went through depression and medication, so on and so forth.  Also a lot of comfort dating, he started 2 weeks after she passed, he can’t be alone.  What I learned from him was people mourn in their own ways.  She is going to continue to be like this until she finds a new reason to be happy herself or realizes she will seee him again, when her job on this earth is done.  Inevitably she is doing more harm than good for herself.  It is the worst pain on the face of the earth but our pain is not pointed at what they gain by going to rock out with God, our pain is for our loss in the physical world.  It’s a very messy double edged sword.

You are an amazing friend depending on how serious you want to be, you could have a talk with her, or offer to go to a widows support group with her.  Most major hospitals have them, if’shes like my dad she won’t go, but the offer is nice.  I rode the emotional roller coaster with him it is very hard to watch someone you love hurt so much.  Maybe she hasn’t found her coping mechanism yet, either way the only thing that helped my dad’s heart heal was meeting someone ,else to love but men are different.  Shes not anything lke my mom but she makes him happy.  Ask your friend if her husband would like seeing her like this, and remind her when her time on earth is done she will see him again.

PS I miss my mom so much everyday it hurts, and I as a child struggle watching my dad move on away from the memories of my mom, but it’s whats best for him.

Post # 10
Member
342 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I agree with PP. My dad passed away about 9 months ago. My mom has always kept herself busy, but I know she gets lonely. Time is the only thing that will help. She’ll never be the same because her life is totally different. You’re being a great friend.

Post # 11
Member
2961 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I took me FIVE YEARS to get over the worst of my depression after losing my daughter. I still have moments when the pain is just as fresh as right after it happened. I aged a good twenty years during those 5 years and didn’t care. I gained a lot of weight, and didn’t care. Let you know you care about her, talk to her every day you see her. Listen when she nees someone to listen to.

Post # 13
Member
1685 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@MrsTillerResq:  Could you possibly convince to take a class with you?  Zumba, or pottery, or art, or even a book club.

Obviously this is the hardest thing she will ever have to deal with, but giving her something to look forward to, even once a week, can help give her momentum back. 

I am so sorry she is going through this.

Post # 15
Member
1613 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

My dad died when my mom was in her 50s.  She was up and down for the better part of two years although with time it was more ups and less downs.  She did join a support group for people who lost spouses due to cancer and it really helped her.  She also made some friends who weren’t “couple friends” that she had when dad was alive.  Most of their couple friends stopped calling when she was no longer part of a couple.  My advice would be to be there as a friend and invite her to do class or go to movies or something together.

Post # 16
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

You sound like a lovely coworker. Some folks wouldn’t even do what you’ve done for friends or family members. You have extended the offer – in her own time, maybe she will take you up on it. Keep talking to her. Ask how she’s doing. Call every now and then. If you’re both so close, maybe ask if you can bake something and drop it off for her sometime. And ask her if she wants to talk about him – sometimes the most isolating thing about someone’s death is that everyone gets terrified of mentioning the deceased, which only adds to the grief. Sort of makes it a dirty little secret.

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