Any advice for FI's final effort with nightmare FMIL and FFIL?

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
863 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

IMO, you can look at this two ways:


1. OMG!  They are so upset at me for some reason, it’s all my fault and I must have done something horribly wrong that was so bad they can’t even begin to tell me what it was!  I have to spend every waking second sucking up to them in the vain hope that they might one day forgive me!




2.  Fuck them and the horse they rode in on.


Personally, I’d go with 2.  If they are so emotionally retarded that they can’t tell either you or your FI what the damn problem suddenly is, they don’t deserve to have a relationship with either of you. 


Post # 5
679 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

What is their cultural background? Not that it would justify anything but it would help me understand.


Post # 6
2055 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

There *is* a reason they’re upset. Whether it makes sense to you, or anyone, is another issue, but there is a reason. From what you write the reason is that they’re upset that their son is not following their tradition and their wishes of obeying they’re every command anymore. They’re dealing with a grief of some ort, a loss of tradition, whatever that tradition may be, that they wanted to pass on or see through, and now that isn’t happening as they envisioned since his birth.

I wonder what would happen if, just for giggles, your FI was just as mysterious as they and said to them, “Mom and Dad, I have figure out why you are upset, just like you said I would. I have learned what you want me to learn. Thank you.” And then waited to see what they would do! Would they be completely disarmed at that point? I wonder…

In any event, I think it is great that your FI is holding true to his values and your values as a couple. He is being kind and thoughtful in wanting to approach them and in the points you make. My only advice in addition to the previous paragraph, is to bring in a family mediator. Good luck!


Post # 7
1802 posts
Buzzing bee

Props to your FI for standing by you during this time. There is definitely something a bit odd about this whole situation that I don’t think even his parents have any idea about. Maybe they know something about you that you don’t even know?? 🙂 If I were your FI I would basically give them an ultimatum. He should tell them that if they want to be involved in your lives and the wedding that they are going to have to start acting like two adults and tell him what has been going on. If they don’t want to they can plan to not attend the wedding, and plan for you two to not be around anymore. Give them some time to think about that one, and then stick to what you’ve said.

Post # 8
1706 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@beetee123:  +1 to this.  I don’t even know if it’s necessary to go into the detail you listed OP.  I think he just needs to say “grow the fuck up or you won’t see me anymore” and leave it at that.

Post # 9
6048 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

This whole thing seems so weird, they suddenly without explanation are too upset to deal with the two of you.  It sounds like this suddenly got real for them and FI isn’t being manipulated.  Good for him for both standing up FOR you and for giving one last ditch effort.  I think you supporting him is great, and I’m so glad you guys are having fun planning   Some people feel threatened when things change . who knows….. just stick together it sounds like you two have a great game plan.  Good Luck to FI I hope the last ditch effort works.

Post # 10
473 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@Shkragoldfish:  I just read all of your previous threads about this topic… and WOW. What crazy hell you have put up with in the last 6 months. It just seems like a ridiculous nightmare.

I say DO NOT invite them to your wedding. You *know* they will cause problems. You *know* they will cause nothing but stress for you on your wedding day. You *KNOW* they will ruin it.

Just because they are his parents does not give them the right to try to ruin not only the ‘most important day of your life’ but seemingly your relationship as well! What horrible venomous poison to have seeping into your relationship. I would cut all ties with them and just continue on being happy and as a PP said… Fuck them and the horse they rode in on. No one needs that poison in their lives. 

Post # 11
1491 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think you both are being completely fair to his parents.  I suggest inviting them to the wedding, but not bending over backwards for them during the wedding planning process. If they cannot behave like mature respectful adults, then they will not be treated like mature respectful adults.  

I’m sorry you are going through this! Weddings bring out the wierdest sh*t in families sometimes!!!  

Post # 12
3047 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Baal: +1, you’re very wise.

Seriously OP, Baal nailed it. When people behave erratic you can either let it get to you or you can take if for what it is, craziness that’s outside your control. If you’re able to distance yourself it will make your life a lot easier. It will still hurt, if you’re anything like me it will be on a consistent basis, but at least you’ll get peace. The worst part is when you keep questioning yourself, constantly asking yourself what you could have done differently/better. The answer is nothing; you can’t have a positive influence on idiocy.

Post # 13
1826 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@Baal:  +1

No more conversations…nothing. If your FI wants then I would send an invite but that’s it. You both continue to engage them and they know that you will. As long as you continue then they have ‘won’.

Post # 14
382 posts
Helper bee

It sounds like you and your FI have dealt with a lot over the last several months. I am sorry that you are going through this. It is awesome that your FI is being so supportive of you and that even in the thick of all of the family drama you guys are still making sure to enjoy planning your wedding.

My own cultural bias may be guiding my answer but I would have a difficult time ever having an attitude of “eff them” in relation to my family. I would stand by my FI and maybe even stop speaking for a while but I would always want to and would eventually reconcile. I read some of your previous posts and it seems that the problem started when you guys wanted to plan your own wedding. Is that correct? I know in my family that would be a problem that would upset my parents also. And they would feel that FI was influencing me and pulling me away from my culture/family. I’m not sure what culture your FI is from but what my American-born family and friends often do (& what FI and will likely do) is have two weddings- a traditional one that is usally planned by the parents and an American wedding that is what we want and plan. I’m not saying I agree with this- I’m currently hoping FI will allow us to stop planning and elope lol. (Ironically, my parents would be more ok with this and a big party later over only a “non-traditional” wedding.) When you mentioned his parents saying “cultural tradition” it is what I thought of.

Anyway, I think your FI should try to find out what upset his parents, either directly or through the family members they have involved. I think he should keep supporting you and demanding that his family respect/accept you as his wife. But I also really think that you two should do what you need to do to make it right with them.

Post # 15
889 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@Shkragoldfish:  whatever supposed tradition is underlying, their heavier is simply crazy. 

I think it’s great that you want to give it one more shot, but I agree – be firm and if they cannit deal with that, well then sorry but goodbye. 

I liked the advice of PP to give them a night to think it over. The discussion might be heated an as they seem quite stubborn, they may say sth they could regret later on. So if you tell them to think it over and that you’ll call the next day to hear whether they will accept you and still be a part of your life or keep acting like jerks and farewell. And then stick to it. 

If possible I would also try to engage some family members that are close to them, possibly senior or at least equal (as this seems to make a difference to them?) and that also like you and see what they know or whether they could act as mediator (if they also find the behavior strange). 

Good luck!!

and I’d also be curious where they are from? Asian?

Post # 16
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

I think your FI is right to do a last-ditch effort– not even so much for his parents’s sake, but for his own. I do think it will be important to him in the future to look back and know he did EVERYthing he could.

I’d write a letter, as well, b/c it is very likely that they won’t last through the attempted discussion. That way you can leave the letter for them to read when they are calm.

Good luck!! 

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