- 5 years ago
- Wedding: April 2013
Hello there bees,
I’m new and this is my first post. And I sure wish it was a happy post, but it’s not. I’m upset, hurt, and pretty pissed to be honest over something I feel like is pretty major when you get engaged and are entering into a marriage. When I got on the boards to look around, I discovered that this subject is a pretty common topic and many of you have gone through similar things in this area. If you haven’t guessed it by now, I’ll reveal that the cause of my frustrations is my fiancé’s parents, mainly my Future Mother-In-Law. Yep, I’ve come to join the therapy group around here, hope that is ok.
I don’t know how I can write this without it being long (and I’m not by any means going to hit on every single thing that has happened or been said…if I did, it’d be a novel that I could probably pitch to some publishing house, lol). So if you can bear with me and get through this, God bless ya. Also, as I’m ranting, my punctuation probably will be lacking and run on sentences plentiful…but when I vent, I write as if I was talking…so excuse it! I haven’t talked to anyone this honestly, openly, and completely (not even the fiancé because as you all know, it is a touchy subject to hit on, although I have voiced bits and pieces here and there…but nothing like I want to unload) and so I not only need to vent in a major way, but really am in desperate need of advice.
My fiancé and I have been doing the long distance thing since the beginning and he lives a couple hours away from his parents as well. I have been around them several times (the first time I met them was going on a week long vacation all together) but it has not been the same as how my Fiance has been around my parents (who live in the same city as me and I have a close relationship with). Our families are very very different and I knew that from the get-go (but yet my Fiance wasn’t still the same as his parents). I’m trying to figure out how to nicely describe the differences….hmmm. It’s hard to put in words. We come from different socioeconomic backgrounds (which there is nothing wrong with but it is a difference), have totally different ways of live, personalities (again, nothing wrong with), we are financially frugal but are willing to invest in stuff (whereas his dad will brag and brag about how cheap he is…stuff that I can’t believe he is proud of), pride in appearance (we are by no means models but we do try to do our best to look nice and it’s obvious that they really don’t care) etc. …the list goes on and on. Point is…we come from very very different people…and that’s ok. However, some differences make a much bigger impact than others when you are joining two lives and families.
The previous times I have been around them, things have been said here and there, but being not too thin-skinned a person, I laughed it off and let it roll off my back. I tried to react to it to the best of my ability (even though the did get under my skin). However, after a weekend with them of jab after jab, I’m to my wit’s end.
This past weekend his parents came in town (to where my parents and I live) to meet my parents for the first time and also see all of the wedding venues that we have chosen. When we would show her something or especially when I would tell her about something, she would have no response…no words, no smile…just nothing. Even though I know what we have planned so far is fab and I have no doubts about any of it, her response (or lack of response) made me feel like she disapproves. However, I think it’s just me and whatever I do. All throughout the weekend, things were said or there were actions that were just plain rude. I’ll hit on a few of them. Before I start, let me say that I coordinated the whole weekend…getting everyone together, coming up with an itinerary, scheduling when we could see venues, arranging meals out (my parents had them over for dinner one night as well), arranging with our potential wedding cake lady to make a suprise cake for those of us with October birthdays (including both of his parents) and so I could include them in cake tasting, etc. I tried so hard to get everything just right. At several points during the weekend, they criticized me about our timing (if we had to push things back a bit or running a couple minutes late). Again, let me remind you, I’m trying to coordinate with everyone, arrange picking up a surprise cake for them, etc. I was doing the best I could. Also let me add that I suffer from a chronic condition that I deal with and struggle with everyday (they know this). Let me also tell you that while they had a car, I went out of my way to pick them up and drop them off at their hotel all weekend. It was out of my way but I gladly did it. So the first night we all went to dinner. At one point, his mother said that my Fiance was going to have to “mellow me out” (all based on a previous situation, where my Fiance surprised me and I was asking lots of questions on the way bc I was so curious). They also put down my accent (we all live in the South and by no means rednecks, but I do say y’all like most Southern people). I’m summing it up by saying “put down”…they said several rude things about it all in a row. So at the end of the night, we decided that we would meet up the next day for lunch at 12:30 (which again, I’d pick them up for) and they said that was fine. Well later on the next day (Sat) when we were discussing plans for Sunday, she rudely said “well I don’t want to have to sit and wait around the hotel all morning long like I did today” while she looked straight at me. Now let me remind you…they said nothing before, they had their own car and map, and no one was holding them hostage at the hotel. Anyways, so during the day Saturday, little things were said here and there but I’ll fast forward to that night, when my parents hosted them for dinner at their house. My parents and I had thought hard about a menu that they would like, get the drinks they like to drink, etc…really go above and beyond to make it nice for them. So when everyone is there, I go around and ask everyone what they’d like to drink so I could get it for them. I ask his dad and he says “red wine”. Well, we didn’t know he drank red and only had blush and white. So, to try to be sweet and since the liquor store was right around the corner, I decided I’d go get some real quick. His mom told me not to worry about it and I said that it was fine, I’d be happy to. So as I walk out of the kitchen (where my mom and my FMIL) were talking, she says to my mom, “You know that is something about her that really bothers me”. She said this TO MY OWN MOTHER ABOUT HER OWN CHILD (in fact, most of the digs they said to me were in front of my parents). The nerve! Then, his dad said to me, “You need to respect your elders and don’t go”. Here I was trying to do something nice, go above and beyond, and that’s what I get. So rude. Again, I’m not listing everything that was said but it was a lot of putting me down, pointing out what I’m doing wrong, etc. At one point she said to me, “I’m only going to say this once, but said that you could call and ask her to come into town and go shopping with you, you know”. Putting it all on me. How am I supposed to know that she would be willing to drive 2 hours to come shop? And why is it all on me? If anything, since I’m the new one to the family and outsider, I would think the opposite would be more reasonable but I’m not sitting here thinking, “his sister could call me and ask me to go shopping”. And for the record, his sister is a big girl and instead of griping to her mom about what I’m not doing and then her mom acting like it’s my entire responsibility, she could call/email me and say that she’d be willing to drive 2 hours to come hang out. And btw, yes I’m having her as a bridesmaid so it has nothing to do with that. By the end of the weekend after they left, I just broke down bawling my eyes out. I have tried to be nothing but sweet, polite, respectful (who I truly am) to them and I get this in return.
I can’t help but not only be upset in the present but very fearful of the future. I am who I am and I’m not going to change or be made to feel like I have to change by my in-laws. I don’t want a lifetime of tongue lashings or be verbally assaulted each time I’m around them. My parents would NEVER, ever say anything derogatory about my Fiance in front of him or his parents. I have not even brought up the subject of this past weekend with my parents because I am so embarrassed and mortified by the way my Future In-Laws acted and I’m sure as parents, they are also hurt, pissed, and most likely worried about my future when I join this family. I think they also heard stuff I didn’t and hearing more and my parents’ feelings on the matter would put me over the edge at this point. I’m sure they were shocked at how these people acted and were totally caught off guard, not even envisioning that these people would act like they did or say the things they did. However, I know them well enough to know that now that they know my Future In-Laws do and say those kind of things, they aren’t going to put up with it one bit and will say something back….and I’m not either. I’m a very sweet person but I’m not going to be steamrolled by them or take these negative comments with a smile. I can only take so much and I’ve probably taken more than usual because of my love for my Fiance and not wanting to rock the boat or cause problems. Now that I know it is a pattern though, I’m just not going to take it and going to stand up for myself and really tempted to come back right at them (and in a not so sweet way). I’m not a doormat….and why should I have to be for two people that are about to have me as a DIL? However, this is the family I am marrying into and I have to remember that. So how do I approach it? I also want my Fiance to stand up for me. I am really really worried about a lifetime of unhappiness when it comes to the portion we share with them. I can’t help but look ahead to what will happen when it comes to our children, how we handle finances, etc. I am so upset by it all, it has literally just made me sick for the last few days. I don’t know how to handle it. Ive got to talk to my Fiance…but when the subject is his family, it’s tough. Now I will say, he is not one that will jump all over me because I bring this up but nevertheless, it’s his parents. However, nevertheless, I’m basically saying she is being a b!tch. How do I approach it? Do I ask him to talk to them and tell them to treat me nicely? Do i ask him to say something to them on the spot when the comment is actually made and stand up for me right then and there? I worry about the wedding events…showers, bridesmaids luncheon, rehersal dinner, etc….if they do this kind of crap, not only will it ruin it (as much as I can say I won’t let it affect me, I know it will) but I will be majorly embarrassed and positively mortified that these are my future in-laws and this is how they act and treat me. It’s unacceptable. And it shows one other big difference between our families….CLASS.
I always had this dream that one day I’d get married to the man of my dreams and his parents would become my second parents and vice versa. I’ve been blessed with wonderful parents and wished for the same kind of parents of the man I would marry. I hoped that our parents would get to be close and we’d all become one big happy family. Maybe we’d spend some holidays all together. Maybe we’d go on some vacations all together. When this happened to some of my friends, I was even more encouraged and hopeful. However, that door has loudly slammed shut and it’s clear that will not be my life. I’m going to be really honest, if I didn’t love my Fiance so very very much, this might scare me away….because like they say, “when you marry someone, you also marry their family”. I have major fears that I will hate each time we are around them in the future (and if things continue like this, I no doubt will). If they are like this at the beginning when they haven’t known me very long, how will they be down the road? Chances are, it’ll just get worse.
Any advice would be appreciated. If you got this far, thanks for bearing with me and reading. And to those with wonderful and sweet Future In-Laws, be really thankful. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t envious. And to those in a situation similar to mine, I feel your pain!