Post # 1
I’m very introverted and my boyfriend is not.
He’s agreed to minimize or skip a lot of the traditional wedding rituals, like walking down the aisle, speeches, reciting our own vows, etc. None of that stuff is important to him; he just wants the party.
Even so, I’m really nervous. Every time we go out, I always end up dragging him out by the hair or leaving by myself because I can’t take it anymore. He could keep partying all night. I, on the other hand, am “done” after about 2 or 3 hours of drinking and socializing with a large group of people. After that point I am overstimulated and pretty much shut down. Even if I try to make the best of it and fake it, I just can’t. It’s like my brain just doesn’t process what people are saying anymore, especially when there’s a lot of noise. It’s mentally exhausting.
I’m also really nervous about dancing. My boyfriend loves it and so do most of our friends. I’m really self-conscious and can only do it if I’m completely trashed on drugs or alcohol and in a big enough crowd of people that I feel anonymous and like no one is looking at me. Otherwise, forget it. If I’m going out to see a band or something I always usually have an anxiety attack beforehand because there’s a good chance that every single one of my friends is going to be out there dancing at one point and I’ll be sitting there looking like a party pooper and even worse, someone will come along and try to drag me out there and call attention to me. We are not having a dance floor at my wedding but I know that everyone is going to be dancing anyway.
I know I sound like a mental case. It’s not that I have a stick up my ass all the time, I just prefer to socialize in small doses. Are there any other introverted brides out there who have found ways to recharge during their weddings? We’re having it outdoors and I don’t know if there’s any way i can ever get any privacy, but I know I can’t leave my own wedding by myself and there’s absolutely NO WAY I’m getting him out of there early. Honestly, this stuff was a lot easier when I was younger and could drink more and do hard drugs. Now I’m 28– I get bad hangovers now and I have no interest in coke or ecstasy anymore, not to mention I wouldn’t do that stuff around my family anyway. I’ve tried looking up solutions for introverts but everything I’ve found is about how to deal when BOTH partners are like that, not just one.
Post # 3
I feel your pain, I feel anxious about having attention on me. Walking down the aisle, saying our vows, having our photos taken, being around members of FI family who I don’t know all that well and will be expected to converse with. I’m also terrified of our first dance, and the dancing in general. FI and I have never waltzed in our lives! We can’t afford lessons, either.
Anyway, what I keep telling myself is it is only one day, and it will be worth it because I will be married to FI.
Good luck! x
Post # 4
@lampshade: I’m the same way, I find large groups exhausting. When we (if? Lol) get married I want to elope. I love one on one time with friends to a large group any day, you are likely the same. Can you make sure you two can go somewhere alone for pictures after the ceremony? That will buy some alone time to recharge. Have alot of time between the ceremony and reception. If you close your bar early at the ceremony that will ensure people leave earlier, therefore ending the party sooner. A cash bar might accomplish the same thing! If its not too late you could consider having your wedding and reception on different days, therefore giving you more time to recharge. I was trying to think of solutions for the dancing thing but could not come up with much. Maybe do have a few glasses of wine and try to enjoy?
Post # 5
I feel exactly as you do. The thought of planning a wedding terrified me. Considered just eloping, but part of me felt entitled to that special day. In a way, thought I would call more attention to myself by not having a wedding.
When the day came, it was wonderful, and I received many compliments from the guests. I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.
As for the dancing, the lessons we took from Fred Astaire Dance Studio paid off tremendously for the first dance. We had a smaller wedding on a Sunday afternoon, so it wrapped up around 5:30. Weddings don’t have to go on for hours into the night. We had a string quartet provide the music, but with only about 50 guests, there wasn’t a lot of dancing anyway. No one thought any less of the wedding because of this.
Be a little creative. You don’t have to do what everybody else is doing. Just remember that if you throw out a tradition, replace it with something else. I didn’t do the bouquet toss, because I remember what it felt like as a single woman in my 30s to be subjected to that humiliation. Instead, I presented the bouquet to the woman who had been married the longest. We had all married couples line up according to how long they had been married and then offer “advice” for us. Received a lot of positive feedback from the guests about that. One said it almost felt like she and her husband were renewing their vows, participating rather than just sitting.
Because there will be so many people there, you only have to say a few words to each one, making the rounds. Being up at the head table gives you a little bit of distance.
Post # 6
I completely understand how you feel. Though I am extroverted, I hate to be the centre of attention and I hate dancing. I get a lot of shit for not going to clubs and my mother was trying to force me to have a huge wedding.
My husband is introverted but I have been able to help draw him out a great deal. His family notices it and says we compliment each other.
Why not have a small wedding and a dinner party reception? That way your guests are less likely to expect dancing.
Post # 7
I’m an introvert as well, though not as extreme as you. The dancing is what makes me the most nervous. While I’m not a fan of this method in general, I think pulling the “It’s my day and I’m the bride and I don’t WANNA dance” card is acceptable. You’ll be expected to chat with guests and participate in stuff, but I don’tthink there’s anything wrong with providing a dance floor for your guests but then opting to do other things instead. One of the things I’m doing is making sure there are plenty of other activities for guests to do other than dance and drink, since I do neither. There will be a hula hoop, a scavenger hunt, a game table, and plenty of dessert. Honestly, those activities are more for me than anyone – I figure I’ll be let off the hook in dancing if I’m busy showing the flower girl how to hula hoop or get stuck in a game of bride vs groom cornhole.
Post # 8
I’m an introvert as well, though not quite as easily drained as you are. My FI is also an introvert.
We are planning on having a first look to have some alone time together before the day. We are also taking pictures just as a couple during the first half of our cocktail hour.
We’re not having a head table or a sweetheart table and we are just sitting at a regular round table with both our families (parents, siblings, and their dates) – who we are all very comfortable with. That was actually the part I was most nervous about – sitting on display eating dinner.
Also, FI and I want to be able to dance and enjoy it on the day, and we are practicing dancing in our living room, casually, most weekends. We’re hoping we can just focus on each other and also enjoy our party.
As an introvert, I find it easier if I know when the socializing is going to end (unlike a party that goes on and on) so if you have a grand exit or something planned, it might be easier for you to commit to the partying if it has a set end time. For me, the most trying thing about situations like that is not knowing when I can recharge.
Post # 9
The problem here is that I am extremely introverted and my boyfriend is very extroverted. I could suck it up and deal with being at the wedding until midnight but he won’t be happy unless he gets to celebrate til 5am. There is NO WAY that I’ll get him to agree to end it early and he keeps pushing to invite more and more people.
We just had a fight a couple weeks ago because I made him leave a party. I’d thrown my back out so I was in pain and discomfort the whole time. We got there at 3pm and I told him if I wanted to leave early he could bring me home and go back. Well I stuck it out til 10pm and by then most people had gone home and one of the hosts was so drunk he could barely stand. I figured his wife was probably dying for the rest of them to leave (and she told me the next day that she was). I didn’t understand why he wanted to go back at that point. He said he was still having fun, and I was like “yeah, but we had fun for SEVEN HOURS, isn’t that enough? He has to be the first to arrive and the last to leave or he thinks he’s missing out on something. Usually I just leave by myself when I can’t take it anymore, but I can’t do that at my own wedding… can I?
The games are a really good idea; I think I can definitely do that and it will make it more tolerable for me.
Post # 10
i can identify with you. My fiance likes to go out late at night with his guy friends and we agree a few times a year he would just go by himself. that’s how we deal with it so that we can do what we both need, me sleep at a decent hour and he gets to hang out with his friends. it is hard for me I have to call on myself to really trust him but it is something I am trying to learn. for our wedding though he’s the one who wants to elope so that he won’t be the center of attention. We are going to “elope” to a place I like a few weeks before our reception to do a private ceremony, that cuts down on the amount of attention and events that happens in one day for him. Then we are going to have a reception that goes from 12-3 to celebrate with our loved ones, with lots of plans to involve guests to draw attention away from just him and me. I agree to have no speeches and very little dancing (maybe just the first dance), and we will go around to each table to talk to guests individually. Planning out details also seem to ease his anxiety and i make sure he is very comfortable at the reception location when we visited. As part of our planning we want it to be a low-stress, beautiful, and comfortable event for both us and our guests. It is definitely a challenge to have a compromise and win-win when the couple prefer different things. To me the wedding should be more about making BOTH of us happy and less about any tradition, I hope you can work things out together and make plans that will make you happy and comfortable too! You deserve it! Brides disappear to change multiple times at certain weddings I’ve been to, it’s totally okay for you to take breaks away from the party when you need it or retire early if you want to!
Post # 11
You sound exactly like me!!! phew, feels good to not be alone. I do not have advice, but just simply wanted to let you know there are others in your shoes! I almost got an anxiety attack thinking about wedding stuff. My FH also just wants a party and we are doing a courthouse wedding instead with our parents present instead. My fiance is super extroverted too and has a HUGE family and his close friends… well theres at least more than 10! me, my family consists of my mom and brother and i have 4 close friends. how lopsided would that wedding be?? I explained how it would end up being his wedding, all about him, not me at all. We have been engaged almost 3 years and recently had a child. Baby shower was awful for me. It was all his people, like 5 of mine. I left early and let him party with his friends all night. Me being introverted actually offended his family at first cause my shyness, came off as avoidance! So i always have to make the extra effort to be more social with his family. I get that they are my family too, but i just dont feel it yet. im too shy and introverted. We just visited our hometown and his family offered to have a party for all our friends at their house. uhh…. like one of my 5 girlfriends came, i left early again and let fiance party with his friends.
btw i would leave my own wedding early!!! If it seems that all his friends are the last ones there, i totally would leave! let him enjoy his wedding day, and you enjoy yours and get to go to sleep. have wedding sex in the morning lol
not sure if this helps, im just comiserating