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I would sit down with them and with you FI, and say you appreciate any help they can give you, that it's unexpected, and very generous of them. Carefully brooch the topic by saying you need to have an actual number of what they are willing to contribute in order to best plan your venues and make sure you and FI get the wedding you dream of -- not halfway there and realize you're way over budget for everytihng.
It's important to have a solid number, and it's also very important to be very appreciative of any help they can give you.
Congrats on finding some great venues! (And you're right, as a 2013 bride, my venue is booked!)
Normally I'd say you can't ask, huge breech of ettiquette. But given their comments ( Maybe we will get this for you) and their past history I think you have a smart plan. Just know money comes with strings attached and decide if having a fancier wedding is worth having other people calling the shots.
and a side note I am also a 2013 bride and NO ONE around here is booking or even planning yet. People look at me like I have 3 heads when I mention looking at venues this early. Lucky you, I want to plan!
Unfortunately, sitting down with them physically isn't possible since they live 5 hours away and FI rarely gets weekends off, but I think an old-fashioned conference call could do the trick. I am very pleasantly surprised and humbled that they want to be so involved - especially with the way my family has been, it's really nice to know we can rely on them.
I know his family is VERY good with money and planning, so I definitely think they'll be able to understand where we're coming from with needing a number. I'm just a little irrationally nervous due to how volatile the subject of money has always been with my family (think my mom going into a screaming tantrum at the idea of us moving our date up because "she has to buy a dress and hasn't lost enough weight"). I'm ALWAYS finding myself puzzled/surprised at how easy and pleasant things are with his family haha.
Once we have the conversation and make decisions, I'm gonna get them a really nice card and maybe send a little thank you gift basket - I want to be sure they know how much it means to me/us!
@CallmeC: Yeah, I am also a bit hesitant due to the ettiquette side of things but I agree, it does seem safer since they've made definite offers already.
I was actually surprised when I had people telling me this past October at a wedding show that I needed to book soon! I only went to the show to get some ideas, but they sure put a fire under my behind. One place we were looking at already has half their summer 2013 weekends booked or "on hold". So crazy!
@jocember: I didn't ask my parents for an exact number, we just talked about things that are important to them.. For example, my parents want their ENTIRE family there so they're picking up the tab for all of their guests. Since our venue choice will impact my parent's pockets the most, I let them have a huge say in where we're having the wedding. We looked at several venues and with a per person number in mind we chose our venue accordingly.
Needless to say, my mom was kind of surprised when I told her the **total budget**, but given the types of things she wants (and I want) she said it makes sense and we'll make it work.
They're picking up the tab for things like: ceremony venue, minister, all of their guests (70% of our guest list), my dress and accessories, flowers, invitations, and favors. Fiance and I plan on paying for all of his guests and the extras.
So, as you can see.. we just talked about things that my parents are willing to pay for. They definitiely didn't say "here's $50K spend as you wish", but they chose those things that they wanted to pay for. This made the money talk MUCH easier.
Also, it might be easier for your FI to talk about it with his family. I know that my parents don't really like talking about money.. Even though they love my fiance, it's just not something that they're comfortable talking about, so it was much easier just the 3 of us talking. Good luck with everything! :)
@jocember: By the way, I'm a 2013 bride and we booked our venue.. One of the venues we had in mind was already booked for the 2 weekends we wanted.. Kind of ridiculous.
If you're concerned about the etiquette side, have your FI bring it up independently. When we realized how expensive the wedding was going to be, my FI separately asked his parents if they were willing to contribute and they came up with a number for us to work with. Maybe it would add more pressure if you were both on the phone with them. If it's their kid, they won't be as concerned with rudeness/etiquette, right? Just make sure you and FI are on the same page before he calls, if this is how you go!
You are in a very fortunate situation to have their help and input, and they are also fortunate that you appear to be a very gracious and humble bride to be. :)
I don't understand the bees on here who act like talking money with family in regards to wedding is bad etiquette. After I got engaged I read at least 3 wedding etiquette books since I had no idea (as well as 10 others on how to plan your own wedding- all from the library :) and ALL of them said one of the first things to do is sit down with the parents and talk about who's paying for what, how much they can contribute, etc.
A good ol- fashioned conference call sounds great. If they want to gift you specific amounts, great! Get clear on WHEN they can give you this, since payments are due before the wedding, but it sounds like they know this stuff. Or maybe they want to be in charge of certain things, like the photobooth or whatnot. Either way, it's awesome, be happy and don't feel weird about it! Families love to come together over weddings, and just continue to be appreciative and all will be well. (unless they try to start 'styling' your wedding in a way you don't want- then it's time to gently say no, thanks!)
I recommend any of Sharon Naylor's books (www.sharonnaylor.com) and The Anti-Bride's Etiquette Guide. :)
My budget has been set and all of my major vendors have been booked. My mom made clear from the day we announced our engagement that *she* wasn't paying. That was fine.
Fastforward to this week and she called me to say that she and my dad intend on giving me money for the wedding. I said thanks. Then....I asked how much. It felt so wrong. But, I would have driven myself crazy with a random amount (it could have been a few hundred and it could have been a few thousand dollars) potentially knocked off my budget. She responded that she hadn't thought that far, but expects it to be in the range of XYZ.
Moral of the story, I would politely ask. Say something to the effect of, "you recently mentioned the possibility of helping out with the cost of the wedding. It would really help us budget, if you have a specific amount in mind."
I feel that this is a conversation that should happen between your FI and his parents without you being there. On the off chance that something gets miscommunicated or misinterpreted, you don't want to be misperceived as milking them for money. Please don't misunderstand- I am not suggesting that you are milking them for money or that you are doing anything wrong. I'm just saying that people can be funny when it comes to weddings and to money. So, maybe leave this conversation to your FI. (Just be sure that he knows that he needs to determine for certain what they are willing to contribute. He needs to get a definite amount from them). Then, after he has had the conversation with them, you can bring it up to them casually to show your appreciation. Something like, "FI told me that you were willing to contribute $X to the wedding. That is so incredibly generous and I can't begin to tell you how grateful I am." At least that is how I would handle it. Good Luck!
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FI and I have been engaged for almost a year now and we are FINALLY getting to the good part of the planning process: booking venues! We decided to have a long engagement to give our relationship time to grow and also have more time to save for a wedding. We've gone back and forth a few times together over the cost because FI is used to paying more for things/having "fancier" events, whereas I come from a family that barely ever did anything special because we had no money. It's really hard for me to spend money, so you can imagine how I'm reacting with the prices of wedding stuff.
Anyway. We worked out a $10,000 budget for a wedding thrown exclusively by the two of us, no family contributions whatsoever. It's a comfortable number based on our income, and while the places at the top of our list wouldn't be in reach for that price, we could still have a pretty nice wedding IMO.
However, in the last month I think it's hit FI's family that the wedding is happening and it's going to be the only one. He is one of only 2 children in his family, and his older brother is not in a capacity to get married so this is IT. His mom and aunt have started to take an interest in our venue choices and other stuff, which is great! My family will likely not be able to contribute anything, and many haven't expressed much of an interest, so I love that I can possibly have these two wonderful women (with *excellent* taste in decor, might I add) to lean on and plan with.
Last night, he received a phone call from his aunt who insisted that we look at two venues we had already decided were well out of our price range. He mentioned this to her, and she said, "I want you to look at them anyway." His mom has also said in regard to our wanting a photobooth but knowing it's out of our price range, "Maybe I'll have to make sure you get one."
All very nice, and I can't lie - I am super thrilled at the idea of his family helping us throw a really nice wedding. But I'm also cautious due to my experiences with money growing up. The way his family operates, according to FI, is that there's not really any discussion to direct numbers - more of, "If you can't afford it, I'll pick up the tab." Again, very nice but we all know how important having a definite budget is when you're planning a wedding.
We have three more venues to see on our list, which I think we can accomplish by the end of this week. My thoughts are to:
I know from our recent venue tours that 2013 brides are starting to book, so I want to get a move on and have our ceremony/reception site booked by the end of February. I also want to book our photographer soon because the one we want is planning her wedding for 2013 and I want to ensure we can book her. Venue + photographer are the two MOST important things to me for the wedding.
I guess I'm just nervous about A) asking his family for a direct number because, as I said, money stuff makes me extremely uncomfortable and B) upsetting them in some way through this process and ruining months of hard work on what was initially a rocky relationship. I also don't want FI and I to get lost in the planning, since a significant family contribution will obviously make them integral to the planning process - I want the wedding to still be ultimately US.
Any advice/thoughts?