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Hello! I thought it would be a great idea for everyone to give a piece of advice that they have either heard or have kept in mind when it comes to going into a marriage. My FI and I just got engaged in December 2010 and are starting to plan our wedding. I realize marriage takes a lot of work but I do not think either of us will truly understand how much work will have to be put into it. I love him more than anything in the world but he can get on my last nerve sometimes! I know we are meant to spend the rest of our lives together but we will definitely need some words of wisdom to keep in mind, and I am sure there are other Bee's out there that would, too!
So whether you can speak from experience, or have been given advice, please post a few pointers!
Never go to bed angry, Seriously. This is probably the most cliched and repeated piece of advice but it's so much easier to talk and resolve all issues before the day is done :)
The formula for achieving a successful relationship is simple: you should treat all disasters as if they were trivialities but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster -Quentin Crisp
Meet on the 50 yard line, even if you think you're right. Compromise is key.
This is all great advice! anyone have any other "words of wisdom" about the whole engagement/wedding planning process or for newlyweds?
Fight! Not violent or attacking the other person but if you are upset about something holding it in just not to cause a fight is going to make things so much worse. I have found that by letting things out even if it's not what the other person wants to hear it can really help two people figure out how to compromise and work together. And since it's new to both parties most of the time the other person doesn't even realize the did something to upset or hurt you.
I regards to the engagement wedding process, try to take a weekend here and there and not talk about the wedding. Do things to remember why you fell in love and why you are getting married. It's hard to not get so caught up in the wedding planning but it's important. And most importantly remain a united front. If you are doing something that someone else might have a problem about (since everyone will have their 2 censt about your wedding) make sure you two support each other on every decision and never talk badly about a decision that the other person made.
I'd definitely say learn about each other's love languages. We all give and receive love very differently, and so it's massively helpful to be aware of how our SOs feel loved so that we can love them most effectively. For anyone interested, The Five Love Languages handles this topic really well!
To the newly-engaged, I'd also say to enjoy this new period in your life. Don't rush into wedding planning right away--just enjoy being engaged to your FI. Engagement is truly a special time, and so often, we don't take the time to appreciate it for what it is. And when it finally comes time to start wedding planning, don't forget to prepare for your marriage! Work on your communication, talk about your expectations for your marriage and family life, and set a precedent for continued romance.
I have a contradictory piece of advice. Go to bed angry. I did last night, LOL! Granted I woke up early with heartburn because of it, but when DH got up a couple hours later, we talked about it much more calmly and rationally. I find that if you can sleep on it and formulate your thoughts, in the morning when you're not so caught up in the moment you can look at it with a bit more perspective and decide if it's really an issue or if you can let it go. Plus I find getting into an argument at night is always worse because you're both tired and just want to freaking go to bed and get that much more cranky ;)
Pick your battles, seriously - some things arn't even worth bringing up or discussing.
And I agree w/ Roxy821 - take days off from wedding talk, don't mention planning, nothing. That mental break will help you keep your sanity ;)
@T.R.Bride: It has been a few years back, but I went on a trip with my church youth group and we studied the Five Love Languages. To be honest, I completely forgot about that and I am glad you brought that up! I will have look into that again and become familiar with it. I need to show my FI as well so we can go through it together. I like how you said to not rush into the wedding planning thing because I, too, think that most couples get engaged then immediately start planning the wedding and that is not what me and my FI did. I thought it would be important to not think about it for a long time, well I did look at dresses online..but I couldn't resist 
@heatherleah: I had totally forgotten about the love languages too until FI and I did our premarital counseling! Our pastor had us write down our top two and bottom love languages, and then guess each other's. Sadly, we were way off, in part because we largely assumed (as many do) that others want to be loved the way we do. We've seen figured out each other's true love languages, and it's been great because we're both much more deliberate in how we love each other. FI usually calls or texts several times in the middle of his day now, which always puts a smile on my face.
And we were the same way with wedding planning! In all seriousness, we didn't do one thing in the way of wedding planning for at least three months. We gathered a few ideas, but that was it! And it was amazing! We were so happy and in love and just enjoying being engaged. It was great to have that time together free of wedding planning. And now that we're finally planning, I feel like we're handling it better and enjoying it more because we didn't go straight into it.
Have realistic expectations about both your wedding day and your marriage, not everything will go as planned and everyday is not filled with rainbows but realizing this now leads to a lot less stress in life and marriage.
@slicey19: This! I remember the fun side of planning, but also planning for our life together at the same time. I think of our engagement period as the trial period for our marriage. We fought and bickered more while we were engaged than before because of the wedding planning and future planning. We both had strong opinions about what we wanted for the wedding as well as our future (i.e. condo purchase). Through this, we learned better to communicate and compromise our needs and desires. Our 10 month engagement really laid the foundation for our marriage through the good stuff (wedding planning) and bad stuff (fights). Even right before our wedding, I remember thinking about this as the beginning of our future, not some event to cross off the checklist of life (engagement, marriage, babies). I remember feeling not only that we affirmed ourselves to our family and friends as a couple, but as a family to each other.
@bakerella: <-- Totally agree!! This works really well! The 'don't go to bed angry' is not very useful at all. It is actually counter-productive. I mean, why would you wanna talk when you are 'angry'? Clearly you will end up saying things you will regret in your non-angry moment. That just creates more problems in the long run... I've tried both ways and the former works much better.
know and act their love language
respect
always give your partner the benefit of the doubt...NEVER "attack" your partner
HAVE FUN! DH and I have fun with eachother every day. This is so important. This fun reminds me of why he is also my best friend.
Appreciate your partner and express this appreciation as often as possible
support your partner through everything (obviously there will be times when you have a different opinion but you must support each others decisions!)
always be honest with your partner.
say your please and thank you's. this might sound silly to some people but DH and I almost always say please and thank you to each other. these should not go out the window when you get married/move in together. If your partner makes you a sandwich you thank them. if you want them to hand you the remote say please.
BE KIND. sure, there are times to tease and be silly. but the majority of the time you should be kind to your partner (i think this sums up most of my points).
I feel I am missing something....
My DH is the love of my life and my best friend. I think he deserves the best of me. Of course DH and I have never discussed the items above but we follow them in our daily lives and interaction with each other. these have realy made us a strong and loving couple and it shows! ;)
-Try to remember there are always two perspectives in an argument, you might not understand WHY he feels a certain way, but acknowledge that you hear his point of view.
-Make sure you let eachother know that you appreciate one another
-RESPECT, I have seen a marriage fall apart recently and its pretty clear that it ended because of a basic lack of respect going both ways.
I agree with Bakerella. Go to bed angry! I find that sometimes, when we fight, we start to get irrational and we can't seem to get it worked out and it only makes us even angrier. By sleeping on it, we can wake up with a fresh look at the fight and can work it out better than before. Plus, after sleeping on it, we aren't as angry about the situation as we may have been the night before.
Remember that you're a team! There are going to be things that life throws at you that aren't going to be easy, but the two of you are in it together! Even if you fight...that's ok! I am with the ones who say to go to bed angry. I always find that when we've had a chance to sleep on it, our anger subsides in the morning and we're more interested in making up than continuing the fight.
@bakerella: Totally agree!! Our worst fights are the ones where we try to hash it out in one sitting. One of us walks away (and usually not very nicely), we sulk for a few hours or over night. Then when we come back to talk about it, it gets resolved rather quickly and painlessly.
I agree with so much that people saying, but the book I love most is "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail…and How You Can Make Yours Last" by John Gottman
I learned that 1) to keep your relationship healthy, you need a 3 to 1 ratio of positive interactions to negative interaction 2)it's not important *that* you fight, it's *how* you fight that will determine whether you will get a divorce and 3) 75% of all your fights/disagreements will never get resolved--learn to live with them or find a solution you both can live with.
Always show love and respect for one another, work together as a team always to make decisions, be willing to compromise, and discuss each issue rationally as adults to end fights quickly. I agree to go to sleep angry if you're unable to think rationally because you're overly stressed or tired at the moment.
Wedding: Remember that it is about the two of you, not anyone else. Focus on the marriage (the outcome) and not the wedding. Enjoy the process and support each other. Make sure the wedding reflects you. Don't let others dictate. Surround yourselves with those that love and support you as a couple.
Marriage: Once you realize that it is hardly ever 50/50, you will be home free. There will be times when it is 70/30, 60/40 even 80/20. That is life and this is a journey....together! Choose everyday to love your partner (love is a choice). There will be time when you want to go to be angry because...welll you are angry!!! LOL
Most important...keep a sense of humor and LAUGH!!!
@DeaconBride: I think it is great that you pointed out to keep a sense of humor and to laugh. Often times it is so hard to remember that (at least for me it is!) That is something we will have to work on
I didn't really understand what all the 'work' people said marriage was... what I've found is it takes a lot of self-sacrifice and putting the other persons needs/wants ahead of your own. There's balance in there, obviously - because hopefully your partner is doing the same for you. But, it's easy to get into the trap of: well, I'm doing x, y, and z - why aren't you doing: a, b, c.
All that said, here's my advice:
1. Know yourself.
2. Communicate, communicate, communicate.
Those two things really help manage expectations, allow you to communicate what you need/want/desire, and help with disappointment (from unmet expectations).
Someone gave me the best advice when I was dating: assume the other person has your best in mind.
I really think that's KEY in marriage. Assuming your spouse is not a horrible person/abuser, etc. - even though it may not feel like it, chances are - their actions are intended to please you - not frustrate or disappoint you.
Best words of wisdom that I carry with me always....
Don't create or encourage drama! I know so many women who seem to create drama in their relationships and draw attention to themselves because it makes them feel better. Life doesn't have to be that complicated or dramatic unless that's the way you like it...
Appreciate the life and relationship that you have - it can be too easy to idolise or compare yourself to other couples but at the end of the day, nobody's relationship is perfect.
Don't air your dirty laundry in public. I don't think it helps either partner, nor does it show a lot of respect if one partner is constantly running back to Mum and Dad or a 3rd party when things go wrong. Yes for seeking the counsel and advice of somebody you trust, but no to moaning about your marriage / life / relationship on Facebook, to your workmates etc etc.
And last but not least, do stuff together! Take walks, play boardgames - just do it together!
Thanks for all of the advice! I know I will keep all of this in mind and I am sure it will help out other bees as well!
Read the Five Love Languages.
Its something that churches really encourage couples to read, but regardless of your background or beliefs, its very interesting. Basically, the premise is that everyone communicates their love in a certain way - its their love language. (The five are quality time, words of encouragement, physical touch, gifts, and acts of service).
Most miscommunications then stem from one partner wanting the other to "speak" to them in THEIR love language. But your partner may "speak" another language. Understanding what your language is, and what your partner's language is, and trying to speak to one another the right way, will reallllly help those newlywed miscommunications.
My love language is gifts (with acts of service being a runner up) and my husband's is physical touch (with words of encouragement being runner up). We are realizing that a lot of the times when one of us feels taken for granted or ignored is really mostly rooted in one of us not speaking to the other in their love language. Just a few tweaks in your behavior can make SUCH a huge difference!
One BIG hunk of advise: NEVER let your pride win you over & keep you from saying sorry. Talk things out, never go to bed mad as someone metioned above. Compromise. 50/50 ALWAYS! Never try to win a loosing battle, remember that you are both on the same team and are taking on life and its challenges together! :-) Happy planning and congrats on getting engaged! :-)
@Ginger123: I have actually taken the test before, but it was a while back. Since then, I have matured so my answers for things have probably changed. Thanks for mentioning the 5 love languages because that is something I had not thought of! I know my FI has never taken the test so I will probably get it and have both of us take it and understand each other's languages. Thanks!
Wow, many people in the 'dont go to bed mad' camp. We are totally the other way. And I know if we followed this our marriage would be greatly harmed! I guess the key is *agree* whether you guys are a 'don't go to bed mad' couple or a 'go cool off, even it means going to bed mad' couple. Try it both ways and see what works best.
Every time you fight about something petty and can't let it go, take a second to ask yourself: "will this be a significant issue in 5 years?" It has helped me get passed the little things like leaving q tips in the bathroom, lol!
Also, for wedding planning: Before we changed our date to next year, I really did not stop to truly think about what he would love about our wedding, we always think the men do not get as involved as we do. Now we changed our date back a year, and I am incorporating things he likes, like fishing, the color green, a kaiky suit, and pie(he doesn't like cake too much) into our wedding, and he is getting really excited about the wedding now. I also told him to pick a destination--- any destination in the world for our honeymoon, because it does not matter to me where we go, I will be so happy.... we could go to antartica and as long as I'm with him, it doesn't matter. He chose Costa Rica, and now he's even more excited. point being... Really try to incorporate his interests and things he likes....... even if he doesn't say what he wants we know what they like, so try to incorporate it, and he will be a lot more excited about the actual wedding day ( :
If you tend to get into little stupid arguments or bicker a lot, come up with a code word that signals that the issue needs to be dropped immediately, no matter who started it. We chose the word "Cornelius". This is a new thing for us but so far it has worked wonders. We tend to get into the dumbest fights (especially when driving!) and this past weekend we used it and I think just having that system in place helped us not to fight!
@PitBulLover: That is so cute! And I love that idea, just hope you don't name a child or pet Cornelius :-)
@kcoconut: I think most people feel that the wedding is all about the bride and her big day, but i disagree. i believe it is about the bride and groom and i definitely try to incorporate my FI in the planning process.
@bakerella: I sort of agree with you, but in a little more moderate of a way. I don't think every fight needs to be completely resolved in one sitting, and I agree that late-night fighting is usually ineffective. But I try to remember (and push on DH to remember) that we love each other first, we will resolve this fight, we both want the other one to be happy, and we'll work out the details in the morning. No matter how much we're fighting or pissy, we always kiss goodnight. I think having that as a rule defuses the anger, so when we talk about it the next day or whenever, it's usually a quick "I'm sorry," "I'm sorry too," followed by a calm discussion about what we can do in the future to avoid having the same fight again.
Always be the first to say you're sorry.
Rather than fight naked, just don't fight at all.
Pray together. Seriously.
Sometimes when we argue and its getting ugly, I'll get up, and sit next to him and cuddle, and continue talking/arguing. It's REALLY hard to be a jerk off if you're like 3 inches away from their face :)
I am in the go to bed angry camp, but my FI is in the never go to bed angry camp. So I usually just talk it out with him rather than taking my space. I figure that if I have the self control to not say things that I'll regret when he wants to talk things out, and I can avoid hurting him by walking away to cool off, we might as well just do it his way.
I like the "pick your battles" and consider if this will be truly important to you, not just in 5 years, but 5 weeks or months.
I think it is really important to see where the other person is coming from when you are arguing about something.. This is great for people who are at any stage, but mostly for people starting to thing about marriage/ newly engaged because it can really show you and your SO where your priorities and beliefs differ, which could help you see if you are really compatible.
That's about it I guess...I think just be flexible on the things that aren't dealbreakers!
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