- 3 years ago
I’ve been engaged for about a month now and I still find myself gravitating back to the waiting boards. You ladies really helped me through those last few months of waiting. Just as a little background: My FI and I were together about 3.5 years and lived together most of that time. Both of us are 28. Around the 2 year mark was when everyone started asking the uncomfortable question of “when are you two getting married?!” “when are you going to propose?!” Everyone always said how great of a couple we were and those same people started questioning the reasons why we weren’t engaged or planning anything.
My FI is former military. He has a type-A personality, likes to be in charge and when he does anything, he does it big. He HAS to be the best at whatever he does. For the past few years he has told me on multiple occassions that he wanted the proposal to be a complete surprise (which it was!) and that he would never ask me to come shopping to look at rings. I was fine with that. I’m not all that into jewelry and I trusted his judgement to pick something that he knew I would love. Only problem with this was that I had NO idea when that time would actually come.
When we first started dating we talked a lot about the future and we both knew pretty early on that we were going to get married. Guys don’t understand that this makes us girls think that we can pretty much start planning our wedding at that point, lol. We envisioned what our wedding would be like, how many kids we would have, where we want to travel and live. This fed into my waiting, and I thought it was fine and dandy to talk about getting married all.the.time. Fast forward to the past two years, and I will admit, for a few months I talked about it A LOT. I was definitely anxious and started thinking “what is wrong with me?!?!”. This past November FI finally broke down and told me he was feeling pressured by everyone, not only me. I was heartbroken. Although he didn’t say he didn’t want to marry me, this was how my crazy wedding waiting mind read it. I was at a really low point for a few months. I was embarrassed to tell anyone.
I started writing my feelings down in a notebook. This was going to be what I was going to say to him if he let another year pass without getting engaged. It wasn’t anything bad, just random thoughts about how I felt about waiting. In writing a lot of things down, it made me realize that resenting him was only hurting our, otherwise fantastic, relationship. After his breakdown in November, I brought up wedding stuff less and less, and then I decided I’m not going to bring it up at all. Rather than hurting our relationship, I decided I was going to put the time and effort that I would have spent being sad into making our relationship even better. I wrote little notes and put them in his lunch. I crafted small little gifts that had cute meanings. I would surprise him with cute outfits from VS. THIS was WAY better than being resentful and bitter. Rather than being upset, I had a wonderful relationship with a man that I knew I wanted to spend my life with, albeit married or not. Things were literally fantastic and HE was the one bringing up wedding stuff. He threw me for a loop a few times; he began a huge renovation project, he would mentioned getting married in, like, 10 years, mentioned going to the courthouse, etc.
Last month he proposed in the most romantic way with a ring that I could have never even imagined, that he designed himself. I won’t get into the details of it here, but we had a long car ride afterwards that allowed us to talk about a lot.
He said that me bringing up getting married all the time was really off putting. He said he knew I was the one that he wanted to be with forever, but he wanted things to be a surprise, and being a man’s man, wanted the proposal, the ring, the engagement to be HIS idea. He also said he started planning the proposal and went ring shopping right after he had his little “breakdown” in November (7 months ago!!!) He had the ring for months and was waiting for the right time.
Looking back, I can say the one thing that I am happiest about is that during these last 7 months I wasn’t bitter and resentful, although I had my moments, I held it together on my own. I would have felt terrible, after getting engaged, had we spent the last few months in a rut, being sad, when all along he was planning the proposal of my dreams. I guess this advice is for the ladies that are waiting and don’t have an idea of when their man is going to propose. I’m not saying don’t talk about it; you need to know if marriage is something that your SO wants or not. I’m just saying that getting engaged is one of the few wedding things that revolves mostly around the guy, and if any of your SO’s are like mine, they want it to be up to them how/when it happens. If you’re in an otherwise great relationship, enjoy it. He might be saving up to get you exactly what you want! If you know your SO wants to get married, enjoy your time together before you’re planning your wedding. Travel, have fun, enjoy each other and remind them why you are the girl that they fell in love with and want to spend the rest of their lives with!
Sorry this turned out to be a novel! I hope this might help any bees having a “bad waiting day!” xoxo 🙂