Advice from a former waiting bee

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Very good advice : ) Congrats on no longer having to wait!

Post # 4
2571 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Great post.  I asked FI not too long ago if he had felt pressured any time at all during the time between looking at rings together to the actual proposal.  He said it wasn’t too bad, but yes, there’d been times when he wished I had just trusted that he would do it when the timing was right.  He said I knew he wanted to marry me, and he said he wanted it to be perfect and also to throw me off some (which he did!).

Post # 5
72 posts
Worker bee

Thank you. I’m having a really bad, waiting week and this helped.

Post # 9
173 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

My situation was very similar to yours and my FI responded to situations exactly how yours did.  It took me awhile to realize that asking and talking about getting engaged/married wasn’t doing any good.  He needed to do it on his own terms.  I completely agree with everything you said here and looking back, I would offer the same advice to anyone else in the waiting game! 🙂  When the timing is perfect, a proposal will happen.  Just trust your guy knows best! 

Post # 11
389 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I really enjoyed reading that. Waiting is a whole lot easier when you just enjoy your relationship and focus on what you can contribute to the relationship to help it grow.

Post # 12
17 posts

Thank you, it’s very helpful to hear your experience.

I’m experiencing a similar situation as you described.  My SO was very vocal early on and through out our relationship that he wanted to marry me, but as soon as I started participating more in conversations about our future, he started backing off.  This past weekend he actually told me he felt I was “pressuring him” while I was only trying to have a broad conversation about timing and our goals.  Needless to say, this was hurtful – I never wanted him to feel that from me.  I tried my best to stay calm, while he was very obviously getting upset and heated.  I really think an adult couple who knows what they want should be able to discuss the future together.  However, he communcated clearly that he simply does-not-want to talk about it!  So, I’ve realized (as much as I want to control this situation!) that I need to respect and trust him, and back off.

It’s only when I start feeling anxious over my lack of control over the next step that I start to read into little things, overanalyze and overreact.  When I think of our relationship from a calm and confident place, I know he loves me, and I know this time is precious.  I totally agree that this time should be used to enjoy eachother and build a strong foundation.  Stressing only wastes time, it really hasn’t accomplished anything good to date in our relationship.

I’m going to have to read your post again next time I start to feel anxious. 🙂

Post # 13
362 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I’m happy that it seemed to have worked for you, but I disagree that it is good advice for everyone. Well, in my case and in some other bees’ cases. I don’t think that asking to be part of the engagement process and of this wonderful decision is “pressuring” and especially not “controlling”. Quite the opposite, for me (and I respect that other bees don’t have the same opinion as me) but for me, it was hurtful and demeaning to have my SO, who is otherwise open about discussing anything, wanting to do all of this by himself. This decision concerns me as much as him. As you can read in my other posts, he ended up understanding my point and picking an engagement date together and make plans for that day (although he got to make a big part of the plans, since he still wanted to make a proposal). And I also chose the ring, since I was going to wear it all my life, and I wanted something really simple and not expensive. 

If he had refused to include me and had insisted on me shutting up about it and would have dalayed the proposal every time I would mention it, I would just have refused to get engaged to him. What I wanted was not an engagement ring, what I wanted was to make important decisions like these holding hands and feeling we are moving together. That is how my parents and most of my family did it, and my SO agreed it was a nice way to do things, and although we didn’t do it exactly like my family (couples just talk about getting engaged and then buy a ring together), he met me halfway and I felt sooooo happy about it 🙂 

I don’t think your way is not valid, I just think that since it is the opposite of what I want in a couple’s life, I would not be able to go completely against my true feelings and just agree to let him take charge of everything without a shred of compromise.

Because the rest of our lives will be about compromises!

Post # 14
362 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I’m sorry, I just realized that I wrote in my previous post that “What I wanted was not an engagement ring, what I wanted was… “etc 

By NO mean did I mean that what waiting bees want is a ring. I used that phrase because one of my SO’s friend served it to me when he found out me and my SO were making compromises (he found out from one of my good friends who is dating him). He thought I should just not say anything and wait quietly because I would get the ring in the end and that was all that mattered. I was really not happy, because as I told him, I was not after a ring, or even an engagement, but after making that decision together. 

Anyway, I think my subsconcious got in gear while I was writing about that time in the engagement process.

And I respect the girls who are happy to let their SO control everything in the engagement process. I was just explaining that other bees, like me, can’t be happy like that. 

Post # 16
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

This definitely helped me….thanks!

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