Advice from married/engaged bees that waited 5+ years!

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
1162 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@bellenola:  I waited 7 years to get engaged, partly because we were 16 when we met, and partly because I didn’t speak up. It took me SO long just to tell my FI that I wanted to get engaged that by the time he knew how I felt it already felt like I’d been waiting 6 months.

If I could go back, I would have made it clear a lot sooner. I would have also had more in depth conversation about our expectation of our marriage and of each other as husband and wife. We did talk about but I didn’t want to seem pushy so I didn’t go into great depth about it. 

I would have also gone on more girls trips before I got engaged. Now that I am engaged, I have less time to spend with my friends and can’t really afford a trip with just the girls. It would have given me something to look forward to besides an engagement. 

Was it worth it? Of course, I’m marrying the love of my life. 

Post # 4
3735 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014


I would love to hear from bees that had to wait a LONG time for their SO to propose/marry them. How was your wait? Looking back, was it all worth it? Were you able to enjoy the proposal? Were you resentful? Did the proposal erase all those difficult waiting feelings?

So years 1 through 3 were fine. Sometime between years 3 & 4 I was getting tired of being this perpetual girlfriend with no talk of marriage. Come on already! Soon after I spilled my guts about hoping to get married and that revelation crashed and BURNED! I was subsequently left extremely hurt with very puffy eyeballs.

At about year 4 I told my SO that at the 5 year mark I was going to head my own way. I explained in a very rational and reasonable way that I have my own goals in my life. One of those goals is to get married. I explained that if he didn’t share that goal, that was ok but I should know that so I can pursue my goal via other avenues. It wasn’t a teary or highly emotional exchange. It was just matter of fact. Like dude, I’m 35 and this shit has GOT to go down soon and if it doesn’t, I’m outta here. Further, if you didn’t have a great first marriage, that’s your experience and I respect that. However, I have seen GREAT examples of happy, loving and long marriages and that’s MY GOAL. No butts about it! He knew that before we met I had my shit together, still had it together and would continue to maintain my life with or without him. From there, I let it go until eventually he started looking for input in a very obvious-to-me kind of way. He thought he was slick but no, it was quite obvious and I was tickled. I gave him my wants/needs/desires and 4.5 years into our relationship, he proposed in a most romantic way.

We will be tying the knot in 11.5 months and I’m happy about this. We will have been together a little more than 6 years at that point.

Yeah, some days I still feel a bit resentful and when he proposed I was thinking, “About damn time!” but I’m happy to have him by my side. There’s no one else I can think of whom I’d want to share my life and love with.


Post # 5
484 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@bellenola:  I waited 12 years. yup, 12. We did get together very young so I understand. It was VERY difficult seeing other friends get engaged, while I was happy for them, I was sad for me. Here is my advice:

If you love each other, you will wait forever. I love him. If he never proposed I would still love him. THAT needs to be stronger than wanting a wedding. A wedding comes and goes, we are getting married next month and time has flown already. I would wait another 12 years if I needed to because being WITH him is more important to me than being MARRIED to him.

I know this is not a common viewpoint,  but it is mine

Post # 6
1888 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@bellenola:  I waited 5 years.  Year 1 was the hardest because we were long-distance dating.  Looking back we both acknowledge that our relationship would have never progressed if we’d stayed long-distance.  Year 2 when I moved to be with him and attend graduate school ended up to be even harder, in essence while we had been together for a year this was our first year together.  Year 3 and 4 were great, but I found hard because I really wanted the commitment of a ring.  The hardest part were the well-meaning people who’d say “wait you aren’t engaged yet”, “are you sure he’s committed”. and if I hear that damned cow and milk for free saying I will kill someone. Leading up to year 5 was nervewracking because I really was looking for the ring. When it did finally happen it was wonderful.  If I would have been better at ignoring what everyone else in my life was saying I would have had a lot more fun (I still had tons of fun, but I would have had more).

My advice: listen to your heart and you SOs actions.  Let those be your guide.  Learn to ignore what everyone else says “you should be doing” and where your relationship “should be”.  And seriously kill anyone who talks about that damned cow and milk for free metaphor!

Post # 7
11469 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

My DH and I have been together 7 years this month and got engaged around 5 years. It is hard, so very hard, to wait that long so I can definitely relate. You get to the point where you either need to stop caring/worrying or just move on and it is a painful place to be in.

My best advice would be to make sure that you both are absolutely 100% on the same page and track in life. Does he have goals he wants to reach first? Do you both have a mutual understanding of a timeline in general? Or is he still simply not ready? After 5 years you are both mature enough and at a place where a serious conversation should be had without hesistation. Honestly is really the best policy, especially when you both have invested a great deal into the relationship. 

If you find that you are worlds apart then tough decisions might need to occur. If you, on the other hand, find that things are progressing just at a slower pace than most (which was the case for us) then keep at it and do things at a pace that works for your relationship. There is no need to rush forever provided that you are both looking to spend forever together.

Post # 8
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I waited almost 9 years. Though I wouldnt say I waited, I actually arent into marriage much.  I met fi when I was 22. We talked early about life goals, and he mentioned his 5 year rule: date for at least 5 years before thinking about marriage. After 10 months we moved in together. About 1.5 years in, my parentssseparated. They should have done so when I was little, but mum wouldnt break the marriage.  Then my bro got married (btw he was desperate to get married and proposed to the first thing wearing a skirt) but then divorced after 12 months. So I actually feel like marriage makes people lazy in the relationship. I feel that not being married, I am free to leave at any time, but stay because I want to. We got to 5 years, nothing. We did know it was in our future, but I guess I wasnt ready for it earlier.  One day last year, I felt things change. I decided that marriage isnt that bad, and since fi finds it important, I will do it for him. Nothing big, but just something to show I am making a committment. Anyway, we’re now engaged. The hardest part of those 9 years has been satisfyibg his mom, everytime we see them since our 2nd year shed askif there was any news! 

In the end I knew it was coming, bought the ring together and all, but still got all caught up in the moment. Hang in there and let it happen. its a moment you hopefully live only once, dont be in a rush just enjoy being in the relationship because you want to.  Things will happen when the time is right. remember, if he doesnt want to be with you, he would leave instead of planning a proposal laterthis year!

Post # 9
582 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

my FI proposed on our 10 year dating anniversary.  It was def. a long wait, with many up’s and downs.. but he made it worth my wait 🙂  You’ll have to keep us updated when it does happen!

Post # 10
429 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Have you told him how you feel?  I have been dating my SO for 8 years and within the last two I was dropping hints like always looking at rings when we went shopping (even at walmart, jcpenny, etc) I would “accidently” leave ering sites up on the computer, I even showed him my pinterest page on purpose so he could see that I was pinning erings.  LOL  I was too afraid to speak up and hoped that he would just pick up on all my hints.  And let me tell you, when it comes to men, hints just don’t work!  I finally told me SO that I’d like to be engaged soon, and showed him a couple rings that I like.  He is now getting interested in rings and I think he’ll be proposing soon! 

Post # 11
789 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

FI proposed at the 6.5 year mark. We’re getting married when we’re nearly at 8 years together.

I had some pretty frank discussions with FI, because I wasn’t interested in being jerked around. He knew marriage was important to me, and I knew he wasn’t ready. My deal was as long as you don’t think marriage is NEVER going to be an option for us, we can just see where this all goes. Waiting was hard, and I was often frustrated and feeling like I couldn’t be certain of my future. But I love FI, and I knew I’d rather stay with him and face the unknown (knowing that might mean being with him but never being married), then leave my best friend. Once he proposed, all the stress and anxiety vanished. Everything feels settled now so there’s nothing to be resentful about.

Personally, I feel like we’ve done a ton of growing together. We’ve had ups, downs, new jobs, been outsourced/laid off. We’ve lived together, travelled together, cleaned the apartment together, done laundry, cooked breakfast, got a pet, etc etc etc. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I am going into this marriage with my eyes wide open, knowing full well what I’m getting myself into, and I couldn’t be happier.

I’m glad we’ve worked out those newlywed kinks before our marriage – I’d rather spend our first year married experiencing the excitement of calling each other husband and wife, and purchasing our first home, rather than arguments about who is doing the dishes! 🙂

Hang in there.. everything in good time 🙂

Post # 12
259 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Eight years here!  It was the best thing ever!  I am a completly different person now than I was when I first hoped and prayed he would propose (as is he) which allows me to better understand the seriousness and responsibility of being married.  Him and I have lived together since pretty much day one and have had rough times.  With being able to have the time to determine if we really wanted to committ to each other, allowed us to learn about ourselves, each other, and us as a couple.  Sure, right now I wished we did this forever and a year ago but why rush?  We are now in a better spot financially, emotionally, and spiritually.  If this is the man you want to be with for the rest of your life, you are not waiting…you are living.

Post # 13
2150 posts
Buzzing bee

I know your post says 5+ years, but I wanted to share my story because it’s a little out of the ordinary.

I met my FI our freshman year of high school. I knew the moment I saw him that he was the one. We were best friends for years, dated a little in HS, didn’t work out, moved away for college, and eventually re-ignited our friendship and began dating 3 years ago. It was like we picked up right where we left off a long time ago. I knew we were meant for each other, so did he. It was just a matter of money for a ring and a wedding that we had to wait for.

So knowing that we would eventually get married and seeing friends around us get engaged one after another was really hard.

Once FI was making good money, I began to really talk about how I wanted to get engaged. It took a little over a year after that for him to propose. Honestly, it felt like I was waiting forever, even though it was only 2 years. I think having been so close with to him for over 10 years has made it seem like we’d been together all that time, which made me want a ring even more. And I had told him I wouldn’t wait forever, so there was a little pressure.

So although I only waited for 3 years, it felt like an eternity! You’ll get through the waiting period! And you have a timeline- which FI had given me too, and he stuck to it! Have faith in your man and your dream will come true 🙂

Post # 14
2064 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013


he proposed at year 6 and a half. in feb. i remember all these hurt feelings cuz people who were dating for less were getting married all around. and i was just thinking all these nasty thought lol. and yeah they all went away and i felt guilty for ever doubting him when it happened. i had always wanted to wait a long time. my previous boyfriend had changed so much in five years that waiting a while didnt bother me. but his single brother went to married and prego in six months and all of a sudden i felt left behind. people kept asking so i got worried. they kept telling me dont worry and feeling bad for me and it made me feel worse. i didnt realize i had a problem with waiting till i realized everyone around me did. like there must be something wrong with me. people would ask “well how long will you wait” and all i could think of was if he wasnt worth waiting for then he wasnt worth marrying so what were they talking about. all he told me was he wanted to wait. esp. after everyone elses weddings were done (by the way his brother had three weddings……seriously) i didnt want to pressure someone into marrying me. i wanted them to do it cuz they really wanted to. plus he knew we would have to do church counceling before and i knew that stressed him out. we were in hawaii and he actually waited two days before we left to ask!! i thought he wasnt going to and told him if he did it in the beginning i would have had a better time haha. but it was great. we hiked up to a lighthouse and it was sunset 🙂 i felt bad cuz i was kind of a b- to him the night before thinking he wasnt ever going to ask. from what ive heard in many of my friends relationships and marriages. even his brother is having a little trouble cuz they only knew each other for 5 months before. im so glad we waited funny thing was so was the church. they loved that we waited so long haha. so we felt cool then. haha. we waited a whole year to have the wedding. actually almost a little more than that. and we totally enjoyed it!! i was able to have plenty of time planning and making everything homemade, pinterest style. 🙂 we were together seven years before we got married. lucky number seven i always say. all those feelings will feel silly when he asks you. it was totally worth it!!

also i was 19 when we met he was 23. so i was 26 when we married and he was 30.


Post # 15
126 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@bellenola:  hi.i was like u too. we gotengaged after 7years. are married at 9 years together. i think it took us 7 years for a number of reasons

– we here long distance for about 4 years. i could not get a decent job in his region and he could not move as he looks after his mum

– we did not want to be engaged with no hope of living together before marriage. when i did get a job in his region i could not move into his house as his mumwas iving there – irish catholic mammy!!!

so i lived with my parents untill we could afford to buy a house ,  also i had to be perm in my job over two years to be granted a mortg. he popped the question on our first night in the house.

during that time i had numerus do gooders who delighted in teling me that he had no intention of marrying me etc. thats what i found the hardest 

Post # 16
3833 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

We got engaged around the 9-year mark, but we started dating young (17), so I wasn’t even thinking marriage until we both finished college. Were were also long distance for approx. 6 years. After we moved in together (around year 6-7), I started seriously thinking about it, but DH didn’t have all his ducks in a row.

I think the final year was probably the only time I was really “waiting,” but I never considererd leaving – I knew I had found my future husband. I kind of had a sense of what DH was waiting on, too, though he never said anything – he wanted a steady, long-term job.

 The hardest part of all these years was every time friends got engaged, people would say “Wow, I would’ve expected you and Mr. Bear to get married before them!”

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