- 4 years ago
- Wedding: February 2015 - Mount Hermon
I need to learn to disappoint her.
BF and I have been talking about this a lot.
I am an only child, 22 years old, and living at home. I am treated like a child by my mother. If I moved out, she would refuse to let me have the car, (which is still legally hers, and I am nowhere near having enough to buy it from her). She is passive aggressive and rude to people who hold different opinions than her own. She thinks that people who do things different than her are stupid. The one time she saw FMIL’s kitchen, she made an extremely rude comment (to me, not FMIL or BF) about how “messy” it was (it’s not messy, it’s small, FMIL does her best and is actually very touchy about clutter in her kitchen). I defended FMIL, but it did no good.
Don’t get me wrong, my mother is EXTREMELY intelligent and sucessful. But BF and I know that we don’t want to have a life like she has had. The hang up I’m having is that I’ve spent 22 years years striving for the unreachable: her approval.
Every day for 22 years, she has had something negative to say. And it kills me every time. I have started to borederline starve myself (and entirely different subject) in an attempt to give her something to be proud of me about (weight loss, she has no idea how much I’m eating) But I need to learn to accept it, if BF and I plan to have a happy marriage. We won’t live her life. We will take her advice politely and then decide what we want to do. Or maybe, take advice from HIS family. Or maybe just sink or swim on our own. Who knows?
Her effect on me is hurting my relationship with BF. All we ever talk about now is how miserable I am. He calls, I cry, he comforts me, we go to bed. I’m getting depressed. If this goes on much longer, I’m very nervous about what my mental state will be.
Today, she gave me advice about my new job. If I take it, am I taking it because it’s my comfort zone to listen to her? And if I disregard it, am I doing that out of spite?
BF knows that it’s very important for me to have our parent’s permission before he proposes to me. But what if my mom says no? I don’t want to wait any longer than we already have to to get married. And I’m certainly not waiting because my mom needs to throw a ten-year temper tantrum (she did once).
I need to learn to accept her disapproval, and move on with life. Can any of you Bees help?