Advice from Mom

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@AllyCRN:  Is the car more important to you than your wellbeing? If you’ve got disordered eating, and are concerned for your mental state get out of there.

You don’t need her approval, and based on how you described her it sounds like you will never get it. 

 

Post # 4
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I am sorry for the position you are in.  As to advice, I listen to advice from a lot of people, and then I decide what to do. 

Post # 6
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Is your dad in the picture?  Maybe an aunt?  Can someone talk to your mom about getting counsling?

Post # 8
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@AllyCRN:  Could you go to school part time and make more money so you could live out of home? Get a roommate? Move in with your partner?

Post # 10
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@AllyCRN:  You could always go off to a court house and get married! But it sounds like you don’t want to do that, so I guess you’re stuck with her. 🙁 

It’s going to suck and I hope you get out of there soon.

Post # 12
Member
712 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

@AllyCRN:  

 

I have a mother just like this. She was physically and emotionally abusive during my childhood and extremely critical of me as a teenager and young adult. I fell into a deep depression because of her constant shaming, shouting, insults and beatings. I have come to realize that my mother is very jealous of me, which is why she can never be happy when I do well. She is jealous of how close I am to my father because it shuts her out. My mother is also jealous of everything that I have been brave enough to do, such as move out on my own, decide not to have children, obtain a college education and marry a man who treats me well.

When I was 21, I left home. I had nothing but the clothes on my back, but I was finally tired of being mistreated by my mother. I had a therapist at that time who told me that no matter what progress I made with her, going home to the same mother would mess it up. Like all abusers, my mother suddenly became loving and sweet once she realized I was leaving.

Mothers like ours get scared when their daughters stop seeking their approval. Call your mother’s bluff. Think about what YOU want and not your mother. This is your life now mama. I can tell you from experience that it will be hard to shut off the negative self talk since this is what you are used to, but you can do it. If you don’t learn to separate from your mother at some point, you will not have a happy relationship with anyone, including yourself.

Your mother is using the car to manipulate you. Don’t take anything from her ever again if you can avoid it. These controlling types can be very spiteful. At the end of the day, you will have to decide if having financial security and a dream wedding is more important than your mental state. I was very poor when I moved out, but I was also much happier and more relaxed. We eloped to get away from my negative and bossy mother…it taught her a good lesson about what happens when she tries to run our life.

It sounds like you and your boyfriend have some growing up to do when it comes to both sets of parents. Why do you and he care so much about what your parents think about your living arrangements? It is YOUR LIFE. My father, who is a sexist hypocrite despite our good relationship, was very angry and insulting when I moved in with my husband before marriage. He was CERTAIN that my husband was just using me. My father had to eat humble pie when my husband asked for my hand in marriage.

Be prepared for some friction and stick to your guns. Send me a PM if you need to talk.

 

Post # 13
Member
9533 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

You need to get out of the house. It’s just not worth it. There may not be a lot of great options but youv’e certainly got several good options. If you’re a student you probably qualify for a student loan which you can live off of. I don’t usually encourage debt but that’s why student loans exist!!! Or suck it up and have a small, cheap wedding so that you can live with your guy. Or deal with the families being upset about you living together before marriage. Honestly, any of these options sounds better than continuing to live in this daily misery.

Post # 14
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

I’m with the others – I’d get the courthouse wedding now and just have a reception to celebrate it later. In my books, doesn’t matter if the reception occurs months or even a year or so later. Honestly, the actual “wedding” part is over so quickly and no one really remembers it. Most people go to weddings for the party – even the family involved.

I wanted a really small, intimate wedding…well, to be honest, I wanted to elope. It didn’t happen. But afterwards…something that was such a big deal to me felt like nothing at all. I’ve been married 7 months – it all just starts fading. You realize what’s *actually* important.

OP, your story reminds me a lot of my own – there are no guarantees in this case, with the limited information I have, but look up “narcissistic personality disorder” and see if your mom reminds you of any of those traits. Your dynamic – and comments about getting her approval – are storybook reminiscent of my own childhood.

Learning about NPD changed a lot in my life. It made me adjust my expectations of her. And while it’s not always easy, I have mostly accepted that I will never get her approval. In her mind, I’m always going to be a dunce who needs her help and is incapable of doing anything herself. Only, as an adult, I have managed to break down most of those misconceptions about myself. I know I’m capable – she just never gave me the opportunity to show it.

I just started treating her like a child in some ways. She bitches and complains to me and it’s easier to see her as a small, pitiful child than a terrible mother. I should also say that life was MUCH better when I moved out from under her roof. I was always an anxious, meek mess when I lived with her. Life was walking on eggshells 24/7.

Moving out of that house is probably the best thing I’ve ever done – even though we moved in together and garnered the disapproval of our families (his being much more religious than mine). But you know what? A few of them made little comments and quickly got over it because they saw that it wasn’t going to change anything. We ended up marrying 2 years after we moved in together.

The storm is sometimes worse before you take action. You imagine how awful it’s going to be. I thought we would get a *lot* more BS about moving in together than we did. I’ve thought that about a lot of things. But eventually, for your own sanity, you need to make some kind of leap.

It does get difficult sometimes, OP. I see mothers and adult daughters who are close and comfortable with each other and I occasionally think, “It would be great if I had that.” It’s unfortunate – mothers shape so much of who we are, our views of ourselves, and our expectations of ourselves, and when they fail us in those most basic lessons, they set forth a pain that often carries through for life.

But I’m also looking to have my own family – and sometimes the greatest comfort is in knowing that I will be a better parent than my mother ever was. I don’t have to repeat the cycle.

For what it’s worth, your situation sounds very much like an NPD situation. Your dad sounds very enabling (by not getting involved). Does he frequently cave to whatever she wants? Agree with her just to appease her? In rarer cases, they sometimes eventually participate in the bullying (that happened in my situation. My dad turned on me like no tomorrow if she was upset).

Not shocking when NPD moms have ‘great’ marriages…they often wind up with subservient men who will do whatever to keep the marriage going.

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