Advice from my boss, anyone else hear anything like it?

posted 3 years ago in Career
Post # 3
Member
3596 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think people have good advice after being married that long, but I also think what works for one person marriage won’t for another.

For example I sleep with my hubby most of the time but I would say at least a couples days a week I sleep in the guest bedroom or the couch because I have issues sleeping and I’m a light sleeper so I need my sleep!

If we slept together every single day, I would be grumpy and more tired then normal, so sleeping in different beds is good for us, because it creates a better mood and enviorment so we can have productive days.

Post # 4
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee

@myluverbuny:  I personally don’t buy the “don’t go to bed angry” thing at all.  My perspective is completely different after a good night’s sleep, and some time.  In general, whatever I was pissed about the night before is not a big deal to me the next morning.

On top of that, I was once engaged to a man who subscribed to that line of thinking, which often led to either staying up until god knows when arguing regardless of the fact that i had to be up for work at 4 am, or me just saying “fine, whatever” to smooth things over enough that he would let me finally fall asleep.

 

 

 

Post # 6
Member
1362 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley

I think that was sweet of him to say.

I personally really disagree with the whole “don’t go to bed angry” thing.  Sometimes staying up and re-hashing things out just ISN’T helpful.  Especially with the later it gets and the grumpier we both get.  Going to sleep is like a reset button for us.  When we are frustrated at each other, it’s a quick “We can talk about this tomorrow,” then off to bed.  Then in the morning we are much more relaxed about the issue and can talk about it without being in the heat of the original argument. 

Post # 7
Member
6505 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

I personally disagree with the never go to bed angry. I think there comes a time where you are both better off just cooling down and getting some sleep. However, I do think that you should plan on talking about it the next morning before leaving for work.

ETA: the best advice I have heard is “take time to cool off if an argument gets heated.” We used to just keep going and would say hurtful things to each other. Now we take a about a half hour to just cool off and we usually solve it pretty quick after that. 

 

Post # 8
Member
3618 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@myluverbuny:  My grandparents are in their 70s and actually got married at 18 and 19 years old 🙂 They have the BEST advice and are so helpful when it comes to marriage. Some others I have heard are 1) don’t believe that love is a feeling 2) don’t forget to study your partner 3) never believe you are better than them 

@SeaSalt:  I believe in the never go to bed angry. We talk it out and then if time is still passing and nothing has been resolved then we put the issue down, kiss each other godnight, and then discuss it again in the morning

It doesn’t mean hash it out all night 

Post # 9
Member
3618 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@MrsBeck:  

@LMD:  

I feel like people mistake never go to bed angry with don’t go to bed with a problem unresolved. We never go to bed angry because if time passes and we haven’t fixed anthing then we decide to put the issue down, discuss lighter topics, kiss each other goodnight, then pick it up again in the morning. 

Post # 10
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

What Payless said. People assume “don’t go to bed angry” means discussing your problem to death in the wee hours of the morning. It means telling your partner you love them, giving them a kiss and a hug, and agreeing to drop the discussion for now.

Post # 11
Member
6407 posts
Bee Keeper

That all sounds like good advice. The only caveat I would add is that the “challenge points” in relationships won’t necessarily occur right like clockwork at certain points, they’ll be a bit more individualized to each couple. And they’ll be affected by overall relationship length, not just marriage length. Back in the day when your boss got married, it probably wasn’t normal for people to get married after 8 years together or 5 years of living together or something like that. Obviously these relationships will be further developed in their early years of marriage than couples who married after dating for a year or so and have never lived together.

But yes. Good advice overall!

Post # 12
Member
3828 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

i think the “go to bed angry” advice is crap.  sorry, but i do.  SOmetimes if you are really mad you need to sleep it off and have a fresh take on the situation in the morning. If you are still in the midst of your anger you wont be able to reason properly. 

Post # 12
Member
2782 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

myluverbuny:  while it’s true that not everything will work for every marriage, I think those are 3 generally solid pieces of advice.

 

I know people are saying the “never go to bed angry” but doesn’t work well.  It’s a good idea, in theory.  I know if you’re in a heated discussion close to bedtime, it might not be easy to smooth it all over and perkily head to bed, as if nothing happened.  But I do know that in general, if my husband and I are having a moment, he’ll always try to kiss me good night and tells me he loves me– even if we aren’t getting along– before bed.  Even if I’m being stubborn and he’s downstairs watching TV, he’ll text me.  And I think that’s pretty dang close- as close as you can get to going to bed after an arguement.  And it feels like a more realistic expectation.

I tend to wake up feeling better if the night ended on that note.  I can be so stubborn (yes, I am admitting fault here, so no attacking) that if we didn’t go to bed on a decent note, I might be more upset in the morning….sleep doesn’t always wash it all away for me.

We don’t argue a lot, but we definitely know it’s OK to.  And we do always try to sleep in the same bed.  If DS is sick, he’ll sleep with me and hubby will sleep on the sofa– but that’s an entirely different story.  And one time I did ask him to sleep on the sofa, thank you PMS.  But it’s certainly not a habit in our house–

Sadly, I don’t get to wake up next to my husband 6 our of 7 mornings.  I’m writing this at 5:51am, and he’s been gone for work for over an hour 🙁

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