- 8 years ago
- Wedding: April 2010
Here is my dilemma and I need some outside advice. You all are always able to look at things from different perspectives and I think I need some from people outside of the situation. I will TRY to keep this short and to the point.
The dilemma is to invite the parental units or not to – more mine then his as he has not really spoken to either of his parents in the past 8 or 9 years (since before meeting me).
My mother has made it clear that she is NOT happy with my decision to date my FI because of the color of his skin. He is everything my mother ever told me to look for in a man, on the rare occasions that she hasn’t been man bashing. He has never been married, he has no children, a good job, is very good to me and to my daughter (she is 13 now – 10 when we started dating). He has been nothing but kind and thoughtful at all family functions he has gone to (I stopped “making” him go after a few because my mother was rude and disrespectful to him, in my home).
My other family members were supportive until I decided that he and I would make decisions for our lives and not allow them to “tell me what to do” as they were so fond of doing. After I let my cousin know that my FI wasn’t keen on the idea of renting her house from her (it would have been a further drive to my daughter’s school as well as to work) for more then we were paying for rent combined, she decided to email me a 5 page, single spaced letter (yes I printed it out because I couldn’t believe it was so long!). Now, my cousin was my best friend but the reasons she gave me to not marry my FI were not valid – she basically used every time I ever vented about our relationship and slapped me in the face with it.
I have tried to keep a relationship going with my mother, because she is my mother and I really wanted her to change her mind. I had hoped that she would see how happy her daughter and granddaughter were and come around. That never happened. She continued to pretend that I wasn’t dating someone and that I would stay single and alone for the rest of her life.
The last time I spoke with or saw my mother was Mother’s Day this year. We went out to lunch and after I dropped her off that was it. I tried to email her and keep the door open, but I got nothing. My step-dad has asked me why I’m not talking to her and it seems that according to my mother, I have not attempted to contact her since I saw her on Mother’s Day.
On a side note and maybe this will help with the advice. About 5 years ago my mother sent my sister and me letters letting us know that she was not going to be our mother any longer. That she had failed and we would be better off with no mother then with her as a mother. My sister said thank you and have a nice day and has not spoken to her since. I fought her on it and demanded she get help – which she never did.
So, on one hand, I have the support of my sister to not invite my mother, she says that it will only bother me and stress me out that day and she regrets inviting people she didn’t want at her wedding just to make everyone happy.
On the other hand, my step-dad is 90 and I do love him as though he was my real dad, and he has been almost my whole life. I know that it will hurt him if I don’t invite my mother. I mean, she is my mother and as much as she drives me to drink, there will be plenty of drinking at the wedding, so I think I would be ok?
What do you think? Do I just not send an invitation and send an announcement after the fact? Do I invite her and pray she doesn’t come? Do I send the invitation and put in a note with something along the lines of “if you are going to come, don’t be a douche?” – do they have guides for those types of notes on Martha Stewart?
Any and all advice is welcome and appreciated – I’m sorry this was so long!