Advice needed about dealing with family when I get home please!

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
580 posts
Busy bee

move out of the guest house if this is an ongoing issue. there’s nothing you can really do except face them. whether you did anything wrong or not you know how their dynamic works, so maybe go straight home and take a nice bath or something.

Post # 3
284 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I think you should just let things be until she approaches you. If they talk, they talk. What can you do? You aren’t married to them and if you don’t get along then you don’t have to force yourself to get along with them just because you’re now family. If she approaches you, just initiate your B plan of apologizing just voicing up that if she has a problem she needs to come clean then and now because you aren’t into the whole stigmatize for no reason thing. Good luck.

Post # 6
1062 posts
Bumble bee

ShabbyChicBee:  I’m sure you didn’t do anything wrong. Maybe your one of those people that can hide any emotion and caught your vibe. You say you know them, you know they’re not going to change and probably wont even listen to your feelings. If they say anything just listen. Best thing you can do is listen and ask why they feel the way they feel. Listen more. People like that like to talk and be heard. Apologize if it came across like that…. you didn’t mean it….. blah blah blah. Then go home light a cigarette, have a glass of wine and do sinful things to your husband. Then go on-line and research new apartment listings. A cheap place to live vs your sanity isn’t worth it.

Post # 7
811 posts
Busy bee

I would not be the one to apologize. You did nothing wrong. If anything I’d confront and ask what happened, why they took it as such, and maybe try to compromise on how in the future this can be prevented – maybe figure out the best communication style for the few of you? Exactly what EDubbs is saying. The best you can do is listen, and roll your eyes on the inside and let it just roll off. Good luck on the house hunting!

Post # 8
440 posts
Helper bee

I agree – just let it be until they are willing to confront you about whatever you supposedly did. Consistently freezing you out and playing passive agressive games is really immature and manipulative on their part. If SIL is like this with you all the time, I’d just be nothing but cordial from now on. If you can, do your best to stay very calm and rational if she ever tries to pick a fight with you again and disengage if you can’t. So long as your DH takes your word for it when you tell him you didn’t do anything to your sister in cases like these where she slanders you unprovoked, nothing else here can really be helped. They don’t want a relationship with you, they don’t sound willing to communicate to make things better, and you can’t really do anything to change their minds. Might be that they blame you for “encouraging” your DH to “live in sin” in their eyes and they can’t see that he’s doesn’t share their views on this?

Post # 9
968 posts
Busy bee

Ok excuse me but the fact that your dh confronted you basically said that he believed them over you. Hello you are his wife. You should be his number one priority, he should have defended you. You guys need to be a team And United front. Hugs to you op. you did nothing wrong. If they confront you then just apoligize(even if you did nothing wrong) and be on the lookout. 

Post # 10
4728 posts
Honey bee

ShabbyChicBee:  I think you and your DH need to work on whose team he’s on.  When he married you that meant he would always be on your team when it came down to it and it sounds like he’s still very much ingrained with his parents and family which isn’t always a bad thing, it’s good to have a strong family support, but the fact that it sounds like he’s choosing to believe his family over you isn’t a good sign either.  I would strongly question why he’s listening to his sister and mother over you.  He may not realize he’s doing it, or he may and doesn’t care.  This is why you should talk to him about the issues concerning his family and how y’all are going to move forward with this.  If this is a recurrent theme in your marriage this doesn’t sound like it will be very good for you.

Post # 12
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

About 3 years ago, FFIL decided that I hadn’t been friendly enough to FI’s second cousins when I met them on a weekend away.  

Side note before I continue:  I have had virtually no family life since I was 21.  I’m 46 now, and suffer greatly with anxiety due to being bipolar.  FI has a huge extended family (even though he is an only child) and I won’t lie, I find family get togethers hard work.  Doesn’t help that FI’s family are all very heavy drinkers – in the US they would be considered alcoholics – and I’m not.  

FFIL told FI off in no uncertain terms after this weekend away.  When FI told me, I was absolutely dumbfounded.  I was married before, and in the 15 years I knew my ex ILs, they never had a problem with the way I acted with their families.  Quite the opposite.  Being told off like we were teenagers was a real shock to me.

FI wanted me to apologise to FFIL.  I told him that I had done nothing wrong, and that wasn’t going to happen.  I won’t lie, it has affected the way I now view FFIL.  

If you feel like you didn’t do anything to SIL that warrants an apology, don’t give one.  Your DH needs to understand that just because his family decides to kiss her ass, doesn’t mean you will as well.

Post # 13
746 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

soooo agree with PP above!

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