Advice needed – bridesmaid help

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
588 posts
Busy bee

208bride:  Is this her first pregnancy? If it’s her first, she might not know what to expect from her body post delivery, but if she’s done this before and she says she’ll be able to be there, I’d trust her to follow through.  

Your wedding is in September, right? So your BM is just three months pregnant now? If she’s less than three months, I’d wait until she’s past that mark before making any decisions either way, just to be safe.

Do you have to buy the BM dresses? While it’s very nice to do, a lot of people don’t expect it, so maybe your MOH would be okay buying her own dress.

Are you planning a long ceremony? If your MOH is able to come and man the guest book, standing through a 30 minute ceremony might be fine too.  A lot of women don’t want to leave the house for a few weeks post partum, but it depends on her and how her delivery goes. 

Beyond holding your flowers during the vows, what role does the MOH have in your wedding that a regular BM couldn’t step in on the day of and do? Do you have to elevate someone else to be a MOH? 

You and her have to have a conversation and both mutually decide. I don’t think there is anything wrong with asking BMs to pay for their own dresses, especially if she might not be able to attend the wedding. 

On a tangentially related note: You probably shouldn’t tell your BMs who to thank in their speeches. 

Post # 3
Member
42510 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

208bride:  This comes off as more about you than her.

I am presuming that if you asked her to be your MOH, you must consider her a close friend. That being the case, I would think that the most important thing would be that she attends your wedding if the timing works out.

I do understand your not wanting to spend $200 on a dress that may not be worn at your wedding.

If she was my MOH, I would suggest that we not buy the dress, that we wait and see how the pregnancy went, and that if she was able to be at the wedding, I still wanted her to be my MOH, even if that meant wearing whatever she had that still fit.

You can get overnight delivery from many online sellers, so if you wanted her  to wear something coordinating with the rest of the girls, she could do some research now and be prepared to order it on a moments’notice.

There is no way to ask someone else to be a BM at this stage of the game where she won’t feel like a second choice.. If you choose to ask your MOH to step down, I would not try to replace her. You do not need to balance out the numbers.

 

Post # 6
Member
588 posts
Busy bee

208bride:  If she’s already delivered one baby, while this delivery can go completely differently, she might really be fine for your wedding, even if it’s just around the time of the birth. A lot of women wouldn’t be able to do it, but some would, and if she feels like she would – and wants to be there – I don’t see why you wouldn’t let her.

You’ll likely have to ask family or other friends to take over her vendor/family wrangling duties, but there is nothing wrong with that. Do that in advance so you’re not stressed. 

Unless you need her to be wearing an exact dress, you can do last minute ordering – or order now in a large size/comfortable style and have alterations done at the last minute. Since she’s been pregnant before, she likely knows what will work for her. 

If she was about to be a first time mom, I’d say she probably doesn’t know what she’s getting herself into, but since she’s done this before, if she says she’s up for it, I’d just be excited for her and expect to have her there for you. 

You choose her to be your MOH for a reason, and that reason likely isn’t changed by her pregnancy. She might not be able to do the duties you had in mind, but she’ll be there for you for emotional support and for your ceremony, and that’s pretty much the main MOH role. If she can make it as a guest, she can make it as a MOH. 

If there are complications 6 months for now and she can’t be there, so be it. But that’s a possibility either way, whether you ask her to step down as MOH or not. 

Post # 7
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

208bride:  Up to you what you want to do. Friend of mine was standing in her husband’s brother’s wedding and was due around the wedding date.  She found out right after the dresses were ordered I do believe.  She ended up going early…the day before the wedding!!  She attended the wedding with the baby and then went home.

Post # 9
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I read your post and I still don’t understand why you want to ask her to leave your bridal party. 

1) Yes, she might not be there. So what? If she is, she stands (or sits) with you. If she isn’t, she doesn’t.

2) If you don’t want her to feel stressed or obligated, just tell her that. “MOH, I would be honored to have you stand by me at my wedding, but I want you to know that I completely understand if you aren’t up to it.” She can decide for herself if she’s too stressed out or uncomfortable.

3) Is it really that important for her to wear a matching dress? Can’t she just wear whatever she owns that still fits and is comfortable? I understand wanting your bridesmaids to match, but is it really so important that you would kick your MOH out of the bridal party because she can’t fit into the dress? I would think you would just be happy to have her there supporting you.

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