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Call her up and say, "you know, my mom was asking me where to get ready and i started thinking, we should include moms that day!"
I think it'd be not cool of you to isolate your FMIL from that experience. I totally forgot to invite my MIL to my get-together (just slipped my mind) but she showed up at the salon anyways (my SIL did all our hair and probably mentioned it to her, thank goodness!) and we all hung out and it was fun. We all had snacks and she told me what the boys did the night before (he stayed at her place) and we chatted.
If you like her and get along...why not include her? It'll come out later that she wasn't invited--in photos or something someone says. I think it's mean not to invite her. Just have a "change of heart". Her and your mom can hang out while the maids get hair done, vice versa.
Is there anyone else for her to get ready with? If not, I would definitely include her - she is part of your family now.
I don't really have any advice for you and I don't really know the norm about if the MOG should be included when the bridal party is getting married. I'd prefer to have just my girls and my mom, too, but I am inviting my FMIL to get ready along with us, too. I don't want her to feel left out. I think my FMIL would be hurt if I didn't include her, and I don't want her to because whether I like it or not, she's FI's mother and my mother-in-law and I thought I ought to be thoughtful and include her.
I’m with you- I don’t want my fmil to get ready with me. My hairdresser can’t do any more hair and we don’t really get along. we can fake it ok, but I don’t want her there. Period. I’m going to suggest she get ready with her mom to make sure grandma is ready on time or something. At all the weddings I was MOH in (3) the MOG was never there and the MOB was. So don’t feel terrible!
I think it's mean to exclude her if she wants to come. The reason you lied is because there's no nice way to say, "All the important women in the wedding except you are going to be getting ready together, and you can't come."
I know that MOG is not included in all weddings when getting ready. But circumstances are different - if she doesn't want to, if she's been mean to the bride and they have a bad relationship, if she has a bunch of other women to get ready with (FI's sisters, aunts, etc), I think it would be ok not to have her there. But by asking you whether she should come get ready with you, she is indicating that she does want to come, and you should let her.
Personally? I don't get along with FMIL, but I would probably include her anyway, and be gracious. I mean, how would your FI feel about you excluding her? And especially since you said that you do get along, I just don't think it's worth the hurt feelings that will result if you exclude her.
Is there a real reason why you don't want her there? I mean sure, it's easier with just your friends and your mom, but...I guess I just don't get it. She's going to be your family, and if you leave her out, she will find out.
I agree with ejs4y8. It sounds like you are lucky enough to have a good relationship with her. Why wouldn't you want her to be there? In the long run will it be worth it for her to get her feelings hurt? I am not sure what our plans are on getting ready yet, but if my FMIL wants to get ready with us she is certainly invited. She is my family now.
I agree with PPs that you should invite her. Me and FMIL aren't best buds, but I will feel awful leaving her out of the getting ready thing.
I agree, if she wants to come there really isn't anyway to tell her that she isn't invited that will not cause hard feelings for the next 30+ years. ejs had a great suggestion on how to let her know that your mom was coming and she should come too if that is what she wanted.
What is your itinerary looking like for the day? Are you going somewhere to get your hair done, or is it all happening at the hotel? Maybe you could tell her a specific time to come, and that way she is involved and you can still have the morning to yourself like you wanted.
Thanks for all the advice. I know that it would be the nice thing to do if I just invited her. But while we do get along, I just don't really want her there all morning.
She's a very nice lady, but hard to handle in large doses. We get along and have never had any conflicts between us, but honestly, being around her is like nails on a chalkboard to me. I can explain this more if it would be helpful. But I'm sure everyone knows some people that are just plain annoying.
I'll have a talk with FH about it again tonight. We did talk already and he basically feels the same as I do. I don't want to hurt her feelings by not including her, but I want to enjoy my morning and don't think it would be enjoyable with her there.
@aprilbride: I understand what you're saying. When me and FMIL are alone, or with FI, she kinda bugs me. But it's going to be you, your BMs, your mom, FMIL, etc. so there's going to be more of a buffer. I think you'll be too busy having a great time with your girls to even notice that she's being a pain. Also, people tone things down in mixed company, so she might surprise you ;o)
I couldn't disagree more. Typically, MOG will be with his family, though you don't indicate what your FI will be doing. It was unfair of her to put you on the spot like that. The dressing part is a very intimate time and lots, LOTS of brides don't have their FMIL. I really like my FMIL but that doesn't mean I want her for something that's very personal to me. There will be plenty of time throughout the day to be with her and I see her more often than my own mom.
Invite if you want, but if you don't there's nothing wrong with that. Explain that you felt put on the spot and your mom will be there but you are wanting/desiring some special time with just her. But as a consolation, offer to do something with her separately, either the day of (like you can have a moment and give her her corsage), or before - like a mani-pedi day.
GL.
How about this? (of course, it depends on your schedule, and if it even works for you)
You have breakfast at home (or in your hotel room), something low key, with your mother and your bridesmaids. I mean, it's not a big thing and you get to have some low key time the way you wanted it.
And then, when it's time for the Getting Ready, say 10am or whatever, FMIL can be there for that. So you have some down time, but you still haven't alienated her.
Quietserenity - I really like that idea and will try to see if I can incorporate that somehow. We are starting photos at noon, so the hairstylist has said he'd be starting at 6 am (crazy, I know!). Maybe I'll just have FMIL come by the hotel a little later, like at 11ish, so she can be there for some of it, but not for the whole morning.
I don't know how to smooth the situation about the lie...but, I can back you up on just wanting your mom there and not your FMIL. I get along great with my MIL, she's a nice lady, but the morning of my wedding, I don't want everyone in my business. To me, getting ready on the morning of was a very special experience that I only wanted to share with my mom and sisters. Not to mention, I HATE being the center of attention, so any more people than necessary would have annoyed the crap out of me. lol
In the end, you'll have to make the decision that helps you out the most. If you think she'll add more stress to the morning, then don't invite her. If you think it doesn't really matter, then maybe take one for the team and invite her along.
Traditionally, the MOG is not included in the bride's getting ready time. I know I didn't want mine there. Just be honest and tell her you're having bonding time with your maids. The fact that your mom might be popping in and out is no big deal.
Thanks again for all of the advice everyone! For those that asked, I'll be staying at a hotel the night before with my sister (MOH). Hair and makeup will be coming pretty early in the morning to start getting us ready, and the bridesmaids and my mom will be arriving around the same time as hair/makeup. Photographer arrives at noon and then we head out for photos.
I think it will work out to just have FMIL show up at the hotel a little later, as some have suggested. That way, she's still included, but won't have to be there all morning!
Cheers everyone!
@thebriz- I totally agree. When you are in wedding planning mode it is so easy to get guilted into things people assume are ok, like inviting people who assume they are invited, or include people because they ask, but the truth is you are right! It is rude to invite yourself to something. Maybe I’m looking at this differently because my relationship with my fmil is bad and she pulls stuff all the time, but I would expect her to take care of herself and get ready with someone else.
**this may not be the best advice since my FMIL knee jerk reaction is avoid her at all costs to prevent damage, I know this is not normal for everyone**
I really think you should include FMIL. I think it would be very bad not to include her esp because your mom will be there as well.
Who knows . . . she may still decline!
I invited my FMIL. My only BM is my sister. So then there's my mom. It would have been the 4 of us. FMIL was excited to be included, but ultimately, she's declined.
Good luck! I think it'll be fine to invite her. Your BMs can distract her!
I feel like I know you, LOL. My MIL and I get along. But I wouldn't want to hang out with her for five hours. ESPECIALLY without my DH there! She's kind of nuts. And she drives him crazy. And I'm just boggled by some of the things she says/does. So nails on a chalkboard? I am WITH you sister!!
I say don't invite her and don't feel obligated to invite her. She should be hanging out with the groom, if anyone. My MIL was not there when I was getting ready, which was good because I couldn't have been so polite while I was that stressed out. If you want a buffer for your little white lie, then you need to come clean to your mom and tell her not to tell anyone else that she will be helping you get ready. Then you can just claim that you mom "just showed up." You can't be blamed for that really, so your FMIL may forgive the whole thing (especially if your FI backs your story).
I know everyone likes to include people, but really this is a very special day for you and your mom, and adding a third party to it...unless you're already close, and clearly you aren't, I would say dilutes the whole occasion. I suggest meeting up with her for the photos. You'll have enough on your plate, that would just be one more thing to deal with.
Things will be pretty hectic the morning of your wedding you need the people around you to calm you and make you laugh, if your FMIL isnt one of those people she may make you crazy. My FMIL gets on my nerves and quickly. Not sure I could handle her the morning of my wedding!
I don't think that you have to invite your FMIL to get ready with you just because your mother is going to be there with you and your bridesmaids. You don't have to include your FMIL in everything that you're doing with your mother - your mother has known you all of your life and you're 100% comfortable around her. Getting ready for your wedding is an important and emotionally charged event (so I hear, I'm actually getting married the same day that you are so we shall see) and you shouldn't be forced to invite anyone that you don't want to.
Just tell your FMIL that you will be getting ready with your mother and bridesmaids and that you wanted this to be a special moment just for your mother.
Suggest that she get ready with her female relatives or some close family friends.
I am getting ready with just my 2 bridesmaids (my sisters) and my mom. I am not inviting FMIL along, because honestly, I think this is a special time for just me, my mom, and my sisters (I am the first daughter getting married) and FMIL would be the odd man out. If she wants to get ready with someone it should be FH or her daughter.
I totally feel you, and as soon as I read this, I can imagine that this will be my situation too!!
I totally don't think that the MOG should be included in the bride's day/time. I don't know why the default wouldn't be to have her get ready with her son and his friends--at least if she is not getting her hair/makeup done. Grrr!
Anyway, I think quietserenity's plan is a good one & probably one I will be using if it comes to that!
Thanks everyone for understanding! It's a tough situation, but I'm optimistic that I'll be able to figure something out where everyone is happy (including me!!)
Mightysapphire - Glad to know I'm not alone on this one! She means well, but does drive me crazy! When FH and I talked about it last night, he joked that I should invite her along...if only to spare him from having to spend the morning with her!
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Hi all,
I'm just looking for some advice regarding my FMIL and the morning of the wedding.
It has already been planned that I'll be getting ready at a hotel with my MOH, bridesmaids and my mom. We have hair and makeup coming to the hotel to get us ready. The other day, my FMIL asked me if it was just me and bridesmaids at the hotel, or "are moms included?" Here's where I went wrong. I lied and told her that it was just me and the bridesmaids. I'm not sure why I did it. It just kind of came out and now I'm not sure how to fix the situation. She does not know that I lied.
My FMIL is a nice person. I like her and we do get along. But I really just want it to be me, bridesmaids and my mom getting ready together at the hotel in the morning.
I know I'll have to tell her that my mom is coming. I think I'll just say that it was decided after the last time we spoke about it, and I'm sure that will be fine. But then, she'll assume that she should come too, and I don't want her to.
Any advice?
This is my first time posting, so if I should be including any other information, please just ask :)