Post # 1
Hello! I need some advice, and I hope you ladies have some for me. Ok…here is the story.
My sister has been dating a guy for about 1 1/2 years now. At the beginning, he seemed so nice and good for her. Fast forward to about 6 months ago or so…and I heard something bad about him from a mutual friend. It was pretty bad. I won’t go into details…but lets just say I told my sister and he talked his way out of it. I have NO idea how he did it, but he did.
Anyways, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and I’ve been civil and even friendly to him since. It’s her choice ultimately, but since then, I’ve been more aware of behavior from him that I don’t like. I think he’s 2 different people. Like when he’s around the family, he’s Mr. Nice Guy and has super good manners, like gag I’m going to barf so fake manners. That’s whatever. But he’s been very snappy with my sis a few times around me, and around my parents. Over little stupid stuff. Again….whatever. People have bad days and sometimes are grouchy.
Well he hurt himself at work awhile ago, and was given some pain medicine. He was eventually put on some pretty strong stuff because the other stuff “wasn’t working.” That’s been quite awhile ago. I’ve been hearing (and even seeing some for myself) from several of his “friends” that they can’t stand him anymore. I ask why and they say, “he has your sister so snowballed. She have no idea who he really is.” “He’s always on pills”. Blah blah blah. I know she doesn’t like the idea of drugs, and sometimes he smokes pot which he says she’s cool with as long as he doesn’t “make it a habit”. Well, I go to parties he’s at a lot and he’ll wait until she leaves or when she just doesn’t come and he gets TORE UP. He acts weird too. Like he’s on pills but idk that for sure. He just acts, strange I guess. LIke he’ll be sitting there falling asleep slurring his speech and stuff. But by tore up I mean, he drinks a lot which is whatever, but one weekend he literally smoked probably 5 joints back to back. Right in front of me. And said “Don’t tell your sister.” He has a pipe and a bag of some baked goods stuff? I know she doesn’t know all that. And I know if she did she wouldn’t be happy. They also said he flirts with other girls pretty hard and they wouldn’t be surprised if he cheated or has cheated.
Here’s my dilema. And thank you if you are still reading. My sister is a very closed off person. She does not like to talk about personal stuff, and she always defends her bf. She was mad at me last time I tried to talk to her about something I heard. I’m scared to tell her this because I feel like again it’ll do no good, and he’ll lie his way out of it again, and it’ll only cause drama. But I feel like it pretty bad when his friends are coming up to me saying “someone needs to tell your sister. I wouldn’t want my sister with someone like that”. I don’t want her to be in a relationship where she’s being fooled. He is really really REALLY good at portraying the image of what he thinks you want him to be. He had me fooled in the beginning too. I don’t want to keep it from her, but I don’t want to cause drama and I don’t want her to be mad at me, wind up staying with him, and things being really awkward. I don’t know what to do.
Post # 3
Tell her everything you know. Don’t name anyone elses names, just tell her what you’ve seen and do some research (I can tell you for a fact, I had an ex hooked on oxycodone — falling asleep while talking, slurring speech — You betcha he’s on drugs).
If your sister doesn’t believe you or doesn’t see if for what it is, there’s NOTHING you can do about it. I had my parents, HIS MOM, my best friends and even HIS friends telling me he’s no good, this that and the other — and I still stayed for over a year. She will eventually get to her breaking point, but at least you will be able to sleep at night, knowing you were upfront and honest with her and that you’re trying to help!
Good Luck! It’s a really tough situation!
Post # 4
the thing about him is he scares me. He is literally SO GOOD at being someone else. And I feel like he already rubs it in my face that she believed him over me and I know if she takes his side again, he’s going to be even more cocky. That whatever, I can deal with him thinking he’s better than me but he’s a creeper. I can see him trying to cause problems for me out of spite. But your right, she needs to be told. And i guess I’d rather have her mad at me for trying to help her, than her finding out about him on her own and being mad at me for knowing and not saying anything.
Post # 5
Tell her everything, and then at the end tell her that if she believes his lies, then you can no longer stand by and watch her destroy her life by staying with him. See if some of the friends will come forward and tell her as well, so it is not just you telling her these things. Its going to be a tough road, but imagine if the cops come and raid their place, and she gets locked up for illegal stuff that has nothign to do with her?? Or something equally or even more worse than that…
Post # 6
This is going to sound weird, but could you somehow secretly video tape him at a party when he’s behaving this way? Or call her pretending it’s an emergency and get her back to the party to see for herself? It just seems if she’s in THAT much denial and has let him out of it once already she needs to see it for herself one way or another.
Post # 7
Wow. I was thinking the same thing. A camera cell phone or video cell phone?
Because it does sound like she needs to see for herself. 1. So she dosen’t think you are lying (for whatever reason)
2. So he can’t “fake” her out anymore and pretend he’s mr. perfect.
Post # 8
@MrsSl82be: I know at least 2 of the friends said they will have my back on this and have witnessed him doing things first hand. But I also don’t think that will be enough. He will find a way out of it. He’ll say they are exaggerating, or he needs the medication because he (so conveniently) just hurt his back the other day.
@bakerella : I thought about the videotape thing but we’re usually outside at night so I don’t think it’d be good enough quality for her to believe it. But yeah, I think I’m going to tell her if she doesn’t believe me, then to please not confront him about it, and wait until I can SHOW her. Have her come back to a party when he doesn’t think she’s around. The worst she’ll see then is him smoking pot though. It’s hard to prove someone is taking pills unless you actually see that. He can just claim drunk. But, it’s a start.
Post # 9
He’s an addict. My brother is and its the same. Addicts are really good at lieing and making people who love them and are close to them believe them, because they want to believe them.
You can tell her everything, but I wouldnt be the only one to do it. You need to do it with friends of hers that agree with you. An intervention of sorts. However, be prepared for it to backfire and for her to be very angry with you and not speak to you. If that happens hopefully she will eventually come around that “did it for her” but don’t guarantee it. Its like the wife who blames the mistress for her husbands cheating. It doesnt make sense, but it happens.
A secret video I think is a bad idea. If she is in denial she will explain away the behavior. If she is not, she will not look kindly on your for “interfering” in her life.
I think you CAN call her last minute at one of these parties for her to come to surprise her BF there when he is acting like that, but again she might not even really recognize the bad behavior as anything then him “just letting loose”.
Post # 10
@lefeymw : I pretty much plan on any way I go about it to backfire at first. I don’t think there is going to be any good outcome to me or anyone else talking to her right off the bat. But I hope it at least opens her eyes, and makes her take a step back, and watch his behavior and then she can see for herself what a creep/loser he really is. If it makes her keep a closer eye, then I’ll be happy.