Post # 1
First time poster, Hi! XP on Family Board
I’m getting married in late April in my home town. We just got engaged on NYE and are so excited it’s happening so quickly.
We decided on a no kids wedding which includes my FBIL/FSIL’s two childern (7 months and 2 years). My MIL is the one who mentioned she had a no-children wedding back in the day so I thought it might be nice to avoid having crying and bratty little kids at my wedding. They are the only niece/nephew on FI’s side (I’m an only) but they have tons of little cousins with kids.
Well, FSIL and FBIL are mad. They said they can not leave their children in their state (they have to fly here and spend the weekend along with most of the guests) with a hired sitter (they don’t have family near them) and since their kids aren’t invited my FSIL can’t come. FBIL is the best man so I know he will come.
I really don’t want kids at the wedding. We offered up one of my family friends to watch them for the wedding and reception at a hotel so she could come but that wasn’t good enough apparently. She said she’s breastfeeding and just introducing baby foods so she’d have to bring bottles (she won’t do formula which would make everything so much easier) and they are not comfortable leaving their kids with someone they don’t know. Also mentioning her kids wouldn’t stay with a stranger and would cry the entire time.
I mean, I feel like I’ve done everything I can to accomdate her issues. I guess I don’t see the big deal in leaving your kids behind for a weekend away or leaving them with a sitter for the day/night to have a good time – even if they cry or god forbid have forumla for one day. FI will go along with my decision and doesn’t see the bid deal either.
So, do I just say good riddance to FSIL the wedding weekend? I’ve met her once over Christmas and she seemed nice enough. I know FBIL will come because he’s the best man so I’m not worried about having my wedding party messed up. It’s pretty time sensitive since they pretty much have the book plane tickets asap.
Post # 3
@LadyMrsLady: You have offered the sitter which was nice of you. If there were a ton of other kids that you would “have to” invite I would hold firm and say no. Under normal circumstances I would say no kids means no kids. HOWEVER, if they are the only niece and nephew, I would personally let it slide. They are close enough to the family and young enough that it wouldn’t look like you were giving special priviliges. It’s annoying but I think not having her and the kids there would cause more trouble than it’s worth.
Post # 4
I had a no kids under 5 policy at our wedding…however I didn’t have any travelling guests that had small children. If I had of, I would have made an exception if other arrangements couldn’t be made (if the people were really close to me, like my FBIL).
i can understand her not wanting to leave her infant with a stranger, and I can also understand not wanting to feed the baby formula for One night, as you say, because who knows what that’ll do to her tummy if she’s never had it before.
You either have two choices. Accept that she isn’t coming, and understand she might be hurt and it may put a strain on your future relationship. or allow your only niece and nephew to attend, and hope the mother has the social grace to remove the children if they become a problem.
Post # 5
@LadyMrsLady: I am all for no kids at weddings (we wil have nieces and nephews at ceremony only and even that gives me a slight eye twitch since I know they can’t sit still for 20 minutes at a time) but I do acknowledge that young breast fed babies can’t often be left for that period of time. If she can’t/won’t express and doesn’t want to use formula (which is her right) then you just have to accept that your no kids rule means she won’t attend. It’s pretty common in my circles for very young breast fed bubs only to come to receptions as they generally just sleep and feed anyway – would you be willing to make an exception for this?
Post # 6
I think you sound like someone without kids, who has unrealistic expectations of what A) babies are capable of, and B) how hard it can be to have kids.
Post # 7
@DW82: unfortunately, in this situation, i agree with you.
Post # 8
In this case, I would make an exception. I completely understand not wanting to leave a 7-month old with someone you don’t know, and she would have to pump and leave a bunch of bottles. They’re the only niece and nephew, so I don’t think anyone else would be mad if you let them come.
Post # 9
@LadyMrsLady: Here is the trouble.
You are doing what you can to accommodate them. But I don’t think you realize what you are asking of the parents in this particular case.
Breastfeeding is kind of complicated. If she’s still producing enough to nourish a 7 month old, it’s not like she can just turn off the tap, so she’ll have to be pumping all weekend (which many women aren’t willing to do because it is very unpleasent and time consuming). It could be that the baby won’t take formula. Many kids who aren’t used to it can’t digest it well. Additinoally, there are many parents who would not be comfortable leaving their small children with someone they don’t know (although I think it was very gracious of you to offer).
I’m not saying that you should change your plan, but just offering some details to help you empathize with her situation. Having small kids is hard because they litterally are attached to you in some very practical ways.
Post # 10
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
Is this the hill you want to die on? Forbidding your new sister from bringing her new baby to your wedding, when she has very legitimate reasons why it’s difficult and unreasonable to leave the baby behind? Take a step back and think about the big picture here.
Also, it’s certainly not as simple as “omg just feed her formula for a day”. That is SO not your place. I’m not even a mom and I know that shit.
Post # 11
Whoops! Looks like this is a double post. I’m going to close this one and send everyone here to comment:
Advice needed on FSIL and kids at my wedding