Advice needed on FSIL and kids at my wedding

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
3769 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

All of her concerns are alid. Thinking a breastfeeding mom should give their child formula to make it easier to attend your wedding is not really reasonable, if the child has only had BM it might not even drink the formula or could have major belly problems from it. And I don’t know many parents that would leave their young children in a strange place with someone they don’t know, it would be different if they were older.

That being said she should just decline and then the whole thing is settled. And I mean who would want your wedding party uneven, that would be terrible…

Post # 4
6959 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Did the FBIL know it was a kid’s free wedding before he agreed to be the best man? I agree with the previous poster that the wife’s concerns are valid.

Post # 5
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@LadyMrsLady:  Eh, sorry, but as an expectant mother your FSIL has a valid reason for not wanting to come when it comes to the breastfeeding issue. You can’t just fill a bottle full of formula for a week and expect a kid to drink it or expect a BF mom to leave her kid behind like that.

That being said, I think you did give her some good options to consider. My question is why would your FBIL accept the role of Best Man if he knew the kids weren’t going to be able to come?

I think FSIL should just stay home, but I would think that would put FBIL in a very tough position.

Post # 6
7019 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@LadyMrsLady:  I think people should always make an exception for nursing infants. It’s not reasonable to expect them to put him/her on formula for a day (or more). Also infants don’t run around.

Since they’re travelling and are your FI’s B / SIL, I would also consider making an exception for the 2 year oid. In the same situation, I wouldn’t leave my 2 year old with a stranger either. 

Alternatively, is it possible there’s a room nearby where FSIL can mind the 2 year old, perhaps taking turns with others? That’s what I actually did at one interstate no-child wedding when I had 3 little ones. My mother had a room in the same hotel, so DH and I (and my mum a bit) took turns minding them. Of course that will probably mean the best man is ducking in and out to help mind his kids.

Finally I’ll add that if you do make an exception for those kids, it’s perfectly ok to allow siblings’ kids but not cousins’ kids. If you do allow the 2 year old and anyone complains, it can be pointed out that (a) he/she is groom’s brother’s child, and (b) they had to travel.

Post # 7
856 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@LadyMrsLady:  LOL do you plan to have kids? If so totally save this post and read it back to yourself when the time comes. I get it, you aren’t a mom so you don’t understand. Actually formula for a breast fed baby may not be “sooo much easier” some babies have sensitive stomachs and switching things up just doesn’t work. If I give my daughter formula she refuses to drink it. She WILL wait it out until I get home. There is NO WAY I would leave her for a weekend and fly somewhere and risk her starving 2 days. 

Its totally your choice to have a kid free wedding. It was nice of you to offer up a babysitter but some kids don’t like unfamiliar people. We made an exception for immediate family at our wedding (as in nieces and nephews) bc it was important that our siblings attend. Other members of the family w children could make arrangements or not come, their choice. Is this really the way you want to enter this family? By alienating your SIL? 

Post # 8
1981 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@LadyMrsLady:  In my experience, exceptions are often made for breast-feeding mothers to bring breast-feeding infants to “kid-free” weddings.

I understand you don’t want kids at the wedding. To be honest, FI and I didn’t want kids at our wedding either besides MAYBE the flower girl and ringbearer- and that was pushing it. But… everyone is pregnant right now so we will have 3 babies under 6 months at the wedding- all of whom will be breast feeding. And these are VIPS- MOH, FSIL (also a BM) and a very close friend (mother of flower girl)!

It’s just not worth creating a rift with the in-laws- I would back down on this one and say no children are allowed except for breast-feeding infants (so the 2 year old will need a sitter, preferably someone familiar with the toddler- if it’s a stranger, you should probably let the 2 year old attend as well).

Since we will have several infants, we will be using a room upstairs from the reception area as a baby room for sleeping and nursing babies. Maybe you can do something similar to accomodate FSIL. I think you also owe FBIL and FSIL an apology.

Post # 9
2915 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

Since they are coming from out of town, and it is a close relative and the best man, I think you should allow them to bring the kids. The fallout from this will haunt you.

Post # 10
491 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Can you hire a sitter for the wedding for any parents who are traveling/have kids they need to bring? 

Kids are welcome at our wedding/reception but we’re hiring sitters anyway so the parents can enjoy the reception stress-free. And if the kids get bored/antsy they have somewhere else to go and someone to mind them. At our wedding I think we have 11 kids in the mix? 3 babies, 1 toddler, the others ranging from 4-10yrs old?  We have a couple trusty local girls that we’re hiring. If you’re getting married in your hometown maybe there’s a few high school/college age girls that would take the job for the night?

Even though I think kids are so cute and super fun to have at weddings I get it that others are interested in keeping things adults-only. But with that said, I would also bend over backwards to accommodate my FBIL/FSIL bc they are going to be in your life for the rest of your life once you get married! Especially if your FBIL is so close to your FI that he’s the best man, y’know?

Post # 11
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2006

@k8:  Hire a sitter? For one, many parents probably wouldn’t be too thrilled to leave their children with someone who they didn’t appoint. Secondly, this mother is still breastfeeding. Sorry, OP but you are being a bit out lof line with your thinking. It’s fine to want a childfree wedding but don’t complain about something you don’t understand. 

ETA- Forgot to add, leaving your young children for a weekend when they are that young…nope

Post # 12
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@ieatunicorns:  +1 I would not switch to formula for the convenience of others. I would also not leave them for the weekend with a new sitter or a non-family member at that age if we did not already have a trusted childcare provider. 

@LadyMrsLady:  Would it be possible to invite the children to the reception only, to avoid any kid tears during the ceremony? Or find a quiet space for them to hang out near to the ceremony? With them being so young, it’s likely your FSIL will just take the kids back to the hotel early anyway. We had a bunch of kids under 5 at our wedding and they all left by 8pm. 

I think you have two options here: you can make an exception and allow them to bring their kids. Or you can stay firm, accept the FSIL will not be there, and be a bit more understanding that staying home is her choice in response to your request. 

Post # 13
774 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@LadyMrsLady:  Is there a chance she could just come for the reception and bring the baby then? At least it wouldn’t ruin your ceremony with infant screams. I’m with you on the child free wedding thing. I know it isn’t ideal, but causing a rift in the family isn’t a great way to start a marriage. That could at least be an acceptable compromise. 

Post # 14
1112 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

My parents wouldn’t leave us alone overnight until I was 16. I can DEFINITELY see why she doesn’t want to leave them at home over the weekend. Leaving them with a family friend near the wedding is different, but I can still see why she would be worried, especially with the breastfeeding. Is there any way you could have your family friend (or even a hired sitter) watch them at the wedding? Just have them in a seperate room, so mom can go and check up on them and feed the little one, but not have them interrupt anything?

Post # 15
32 posts
  • Wedding: August 2013

You are being ridiculous and selfish.

You seriously expect a mum to stop breastfeeding because it is inconvenient to you?!?

You have not done anything to accomodate her issues. It’s natural that they don’t want to leave their children behind in another state or have a stranger look after them.

I feel sorry that your FBIL will feel obliged to still go after you refuse to budge about allowing their children. You should really think about what’s really important here.

Post # 16
6446 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

I would let the kids come for quite a few reasons

-They are traveling from out of state

-They would have to left with a stranger

-They are your niece and nephew (they only ones)

-Your FSIL is breast feeding (and no lots of people aren’t comfortable feeding their baby formula)

Make an exception for your nieces and nephews and draw the line there (no cousin’s kids). 

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