(Closed) Advice needed please – broken promises to move!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
7653 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

It seems like he has had plenty of time to get these renovations done. Him moving in with you is more important so I’m sure you would understand if he’d take a few weekends to work on his house, but he hasn’t even suggested that.

I personally think he’s just prolonging the rennovations so he doesn’t have to move in. He’s been independent for so long he probably thinks he’d lose it all if he came to live with you.

That’s just my feelings, but I think you have waited a long time, and I think he has checked out. Move on, sista. Sorry for your situation.

Post # 4
4954 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

It does seem as though he’s prolonging the move. Though maybe he’s not consciously doing it. Sounds like a good heart-to-heart is in order. Best wishes, this is tough!

Post # 5
1963 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

Maybe you could offer to help him with some of the work that needs to be done and see how he responds to that?

Post # 9
2869 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

My guess is he simply doesn’t understand… if he’s 42 and basically always been single and independent, it may take time for him to adjust to a relationship in which BOTH people must be considered. But he needs to be at least recognizing this and making an effort.

ETA: read your update on the state of his house – any way he could just sell it as is, cut his losses, and move on and move in with you?

Post # 10
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Normally, I’d ask why you don’t move to him, but your kids (an one autistic at that) is reason enough.

I’d sit him down and say, you want to move the spring of 2013.  What needs to happen by then to get the house on the market?  Let’s build a detailed timeline together.  Then, if he is unable to commit to a timeline or falls off it, ask him if he will pay a contractor or sell it as is.  If he won’t do either….you need to think how long you want this to drag – to June 2014?  What if it’s beyond that.

Also…why can’t you take the kids with you to his house for the weekend to help out?  Even if you need to pay a contractor to fix the bathroom first, you can then work on the rest of the house.

Post # 11
115 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

He should really be past the age of not having his act together. Are you okay being with somebody that isn’t overly organized and takes awhile to follow through? In my experience, people who drag their feet and are disorganized in one area of there life are the same in other areas of their life…

Is there a compromise timeline you could agree on? Or perhaps you could set short-term goals together, i.e., X house task needs to be done in two weeks, the kitchen needs to be taken care by Y date. If it’s truly a matter of him feeling like there’s too much to do with the house, breaking it into smaller steps should make it more manageable. If he’s just dragging his feet because he doesn’t honestly want to move in with you, he won’t move along, and you’ll have your answer.

Good luck!

Post # 12
2336 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I’m gonna repeat a very overused phrase here, but it still applies.

“Actions speak louder than words.”

He can tell you he loves you and will marry you and will move in with you until he is blue in the face, but none of it matters if he does nothing to back it up.

The fact that he is 42 and has never been married is a bit of a red flag to me. This could be a sign of his unwillingness to commit. People don’t change. He’s never married anyone before, and he hasn’t lived with anyone in more than a decade- why should he be different now?

(Just want to add that not all unmarried men in their 40’s are off-limits. This just concerns me when you also take into account his other behavior- reluctance to do any of the things necessary to move in, only proposing because it’s important to YOU, etc.)

I know you probably don’t want to- you’ve got a lot of time and emotions invested in this guy, and you obviously care about him- but if I were in your shoes, I’d probably walk. I’d go looking for someone who is at a point in his life where he’s actually interested in settling down and being a family.

Post # 14
3471 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

If I were in your shoes I would tell him to call me when he was ready to move. That way, he has some incentive to keep his promises, and since he’s blaming the long time frame on spending all his weekends with you– this will give him the time he needs to get the house taken care of.  If he wants to be with you, he’ll get it done– if not, then you’ll have your answer. 

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