Post # 1
I love her but my mom is making the guestlist so painful for me.
Background: I have picked a venue that allows 110 people. My parents are graciously, completely paying for the wedding. My FI and I made a guest list almost imediately after we got engaged in September and sent this google doc. to both of our parents so that they could review it and add names. FI’s parents listed the people that wanted immediately. They have a lot of family friend’s so unfortunately we have had to cut some to make the list more even. I had to ask my parent’s over and over again to review the list. I listed 2 family friends for my mother and father that I knew they would want to invite. My mom complained over and over that she didn’t have any friends listed eventhough I told her to list them. She then complained that she couldn’t invite all the ones that she wanted because FI’s family had so many friends (ignoring the fact that we cut many of them). She finally added her friends and we are now about 20 people over capacity because she invited their entire neighborhood! She now wants to move my family members from “invites” to “announcements” only. I have known my famiy members my entire life! I have known these neighbors since I was 12.
What do I do? Should I just let it go because my parents are paying?
Post # 3
@Fireflysushi: OK first… breathe. If your wedding date at the top is correct (Dec 2015) you have lots of time to sort this out. In fact, I wonder if your mother dawdled because she has almost 24 months?
Anyway, the short answer is, if they’re paying then they get the final say. There’s plenty of time and scope for negotiating though. But if FI’s family isn’t contributing then they get less say over the guest list.
Now many neighbours are we talking about? I guess if they all know each other it’s got to be “all or none”, am I correct? But if they’ve known you since you were 12, they’re certainly worthy candidates for the guest list. And if they want to invite them ahead of relatives they hardly ever see, that’s their choice.
Post # 4
I would suggest sitting down with your parents and negotiating what percentage of the guest list each group gets. Then once you have that decided then each group can decide who they want to invite to make up their lists – if they go over, you need to say to them – you agreed that we would each get a set number of guests. We cannot go over 110 people, so if you invite x extra guests then it is unfair to me and FI and his parents. You need to cut the list to fit with the amount you agreed to.
The disadvantage of having your parents pay is that they can hold it over your head and expect more of a say ovr the wedding. If this happens then you need to decide whether them paying for the wedding is worth the extra aggro.
Post # 5
Actually that date was just a random one I used when signing up for WB. My actual date is January 2015, so I have about a year. I think my mom’s thinking on moving these relatives to “anouncements” is that she thinks they won’t come. My brother got married in 2013 and they didn’t come to his. Who knows if they will or will not come to mine, but it is in a more inexpensive and in a less remote area than my brother’s so it might be possible. I feel weird not inviting them, which I’m sure is how my mom feels with the neighbors. She has invited 6 of them.
I just noticed that she changed about 1/2 of my own personal friends to “maybes” to get the total down to a reasonable number. I understand what you are saying about them having the final say, and that they can invite neighbors over family members, but what about my own friends? Should I let them get cut too?
Post # 6
@aliciaspinnet: I like the idea of giving each group a set number. I worry that it is too late now, but there is no harm in trying. My parent”s would be so upset if we denied them the ability to pay for the wedding. They set this money aside when my dad retired, so I’m afraid saying no to the money would cause more haedaches than trying to plan it with them. “Fingers crossed’ that this is the biggest issue we encounter.
Post # 7
- Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia
I’m in a similar predicament. My mom is used to attending weddings where guest list size is 300+ (a typical Chinese banquet). The max capacity is 150; with her friends that she hadn’t told me, it’s going to expand to anywhere between 170 to 176. (D’oh, at first, I had forgotten to count FI and I for total count of people!)
It’s funny cos FI made a comment, “Is this her party or is it ours?” I said, “Ours, but my mother is going to pay for her guests.” I had a discussion with my mom that I have friends I invited. Then, it became an upsetting discussion of how each of us would have to uninvite people. I made my mother cry. 🙁
I talked to FI’s mom; she told me not to worry as my budgeted number of family/relatives from her side may not all make it. My mom
s solution is to rent another room -- since its both our fault that we didn`t communicate properly.
So, long story short, until you get definite RSVPs, I wouldn’t stress about it.
The FUN part only begins with seating charts. Yuck.