- 5 years ago
- Wedding: August 2014
I want to preface this by saying that this, to my knowledge, is not a highly dangerous situation at the moment. If I was given the impression that it was, authorities would be informed.
FMIL has been in an abusive relationship for years. FFIL is not a nice man at all. Currently she is being monitored, controlled, minimized, and just emotionally abused in general by her husband and youngest daughter. She lives with them. This has been going on years (except FSIL joining in is new – she’s going to be 22 this year).
FI and his older sister cut them off all when they were abusive to his nieces in order to get them out of that situation that wasn’t healthy for the kids or FI and his sister (who had been abused as children themselves by FFIL).
Because of this, and because FMIL was constantly defending her husband and daughter (constantly saying that FI and his older sister need to apologize to their abusive father, etc.) they unfortunately had to cut her out.
Her health has been seriously deteriorating. She has always been thin (I would say around 5’4″ and 115lbs.) but she has gotten a lot thinner. We know this because older FSIL lives in the same town and sometimes sees her. She had pneumonia a while back and since then has had neurological testing done and recently got a mammogram for a suspicious mass.
We know some of these things because she stops by to visit FI’s nieces (again, they all live in the same town). She always stops by when she’s on her way to the grocery store or on her way to work which is right by their house. We believe she does this so that she can remain accounted for.
She also asked the kids to e-mail her on her personal e-mail, not the one she and her husband share.
She asked FI to meet with her a few months ago. FI said yes and said that he would be happy to meet her in a city between his place and her place. She basically turned him down by saying “that day won’t work for me” and when he asked her what time would be better for her, she never responded. I was frustrated with her, but I’m realizing that this was probably because she can’t travel even 20/so minutes. I really believe that FI’s younger sister especially would be holding her accountable for how many miles she drives and how long she is gone.
Its frustrating that she’ll defend her husband and daughter, but I’m realizing that those aren’t her words. Her actions are telling a different story.
I know I can’t fix this. However, I would feel like I was being very unfair if I didn’t at least attempt to involve her in the wedding planning and at the very least invite her. FI agrees. Unfortunately, she gets very defensive around FI and his older sister. I have had a feeling before that she trusts me, however I haven’t talked to her in a while. I tried to help her in the past with certain health problems.
Mostly, I’m just really concerned about her health. If there isn’t much I can do as far as helping her with her situation, I just want to know what is going on and let her know that someone cares (her youngest daughter is so sick with a fake illness that she and FFIL love to play up for attention, FMIL will never get the attention she needs).
And when the wedding comes around, we would be happy to pay for her. She just needs to decide what is more important… coming to the wedding or staying with her husband. I mean it when I say that if she felt she needed or wanted to, FI and I would be more than happy to let her move in with our new home after we’re married and FFIL would have no way of knowing the address. I doubt she’d go along with it, but I’d do anything. This woman is an angel, but unfortunately has been corrupted.
I’m just curious if anyone has advice on how to talk to an abused woman? I’m thinking of just saying that I heard she wasn’t doing well health wise and am concerned. And I’ll give her my phone number and let her know that she can call me if that’s easier.
I don’t necessarily want advice on how to fix things as that is WAY out of my grasp, but I would like to be able to talk to her. Not hear what FFIL told her to say.