Advice needed; relationship on the rocks :'(

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Sounds like you’re at the end of your rope. I sympathize with you because I know we women aren’t supposed to do stuff like get needy and jealous, but a lot of the times we do so in reaction to how we are being treated/how we are feeling in our relationship. You wrote that you are trying to control how you feel and what you do, but how is your husband trying to meet your reasonable need for attention and companionship? It might help to sit down and think about what he could do that would make you feel better about the relationship. Really specific and concrete things. Then maybe you can present it to him like, “I am sorry we have been irritating each other lately. I know I have been acting jealous and insecure. I thought about some things we can do together that would help me not feel so lonely and neglected so I don’t default to those bad states of mind. Let’s try X, Y and Z”

If he is not willing to work with you on this, then I think your feelings of jealousy and insecurity are justified.

Post # 3
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

 

Anon2014:  What you are going through is normal.  How can you feel close and secure in any relationship if you never spend time with your partner?  It is great that your FI started a new business and is working hard to provide for you and your daughter.  But he needs to learn to prioritize your relationship too.  And working 24/7 is not healthy for him either.  Try to have a serious conversation with him about what you need.  A great tool to help guide the conversation is the book (or website) “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman.  Good luck and I hope you and your FI strengthen your relationship.

Post # 4
Member
226 posts
Helper bee

My boyfriend also has his own business. He’s been working for himself for the past five years, but things have only really started to take off this year, and he works very long hours so I understand where you are coming from, although we don’t have children, and I don’t work for his business.

 

I feel for you especially with a young child and I think the key is for both of you to find some middle ground.  For example, its not unusual for my boyfriend to work 12 hour days, but he has designated sunday as our day.  He also agreed to stop answering his cell phone after 11 pm because it was driving me crazy with people calling at all kinds of hours.  I also try to be more understanding, I know that he works so hard because he cares about me, and pick up the slack around the house more frequently even though it bothers me because we both live there.

 

Unless he has given you some reason (other than working late which isn’t unusual for someone who owns his own business) to believe that he is cheating on you then you have to trust him and stop quizzing him about random women.  It sounds to me like you have lost your identity and may need to do some things for yourself.  That sometimes happens when spouses work together too closely that its hard to find your own identity apart from what you do together.  The short answer is I don’t think you just need to grit your teeth and grow up but you two need to have a discussion when you are both calm about what you can both do to move your relationship forward in the right direction.

Post # 5
Member
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Anon2014:  I totally agree with Ohnatto as well. 

I’m older, divorced and about to remarry and have been through a lot of marriage counseling with my ex. 

From my experience and just getting to know most men, they want to be appreciated and respected. Without that most anything will not happen after that. Yes, you are doing a lot at home but (and I hate to say that this sounds old fashioned) they want to feel like the man that is able to provide. 

You have to remember that men and women are wired differently. Men usually always think about the financial aspect of being able to provide for thier families, especially with children in the mix. Women usually always care about the relationship aspect and emotions and feelings. Men don’t think that way and you have to remember that when approaching them. 

I clearly remember one specific point our marriage counselor said that I ALWAYS REMEMBER..that “everything is in a cycle. If you are depressed, it makes the other depressed. If one is angry it makes the other angry. If you have/say negative things to the other, they will do it right back to you and so on. Well, the same thing goes for positive things – if you are happy then he’s happy in return. If you say positive things, they will say positive things too. If you do something nice, they will in return.” I took that to heart and started making positive changes, like being happy that he’s home as soon as he walked in the door, having sex more often, cooking his favorite meals, really concentrating on just being and saying happy things around him, no complaining, no nagging, etc. It really works.

If the emotional aspect and your relationship are important for you to find again, just start by doing things for him like that. You don’t have to tell him anything. Watch the change in him. 

When he gets home tonight, dress up a little for him, just greet him with a big hug and kiss, have his favorite meal cooked, light some candles, tell him you are sorry, you know he’s been working hard to provide for the family and you appreciate him for that. At some point, just take him by the hand into the bedroom and have your way with him without saying a word. Do it more often than you normally would. Create and BE the change that you want from him.

Then after some time has passed and you guys are getting closer, just tell him you miss him and you want to start planning date nights and at least 15 minutes a night that is just you and him to talk. BE a good listener. Let him talk about his day.

I know it sounds totally 50’s but it works with about 99% of men. 

Post # 6
Member
339 posts
Helper bee

Is it me?

Yes and no! Yes because you have noted that you understand that starting a new business is often time consuming. Thats because it is. And as his partner you are supposed to support him as he is getting this business off the ground. Yes, i read that you help run his business from home (ie. bookkeeping, estimates, invoicing, bills, marketing, client meetings and calls etc.) but sometimes it also means picking up more slack at home, which I will admit that you are doing. What you are also doing is complaining about having the pick up the slack. One thing to note is that things wont always be like this but your mood is a reflection of the here and now… I can promise you that it wont be like this a year from now, because by then, he would be in the groove of things. but you just have to see that far ahead.

I also say no because sometimes men dont realize the type of attention we need. I am currently reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s committed and one of the stories she tells in there is of her friend whose wife had left him. and her friend couldnt understand why his wife had left because he was doing all he could to be there for her but being there for her meant providing financial stability and a home and but emotionally, he wasnt and he knew that… he made a commernt about carrying her across the scorched earth if there was ever a nuclear holocost and the book juxtaposed that against the fact that there was never one of those and although that proves how much he loved her, it didnt show her how much because it didnt happen. I guess what im trying to say is people love differently and maybe right now love from you fiance means getting this business up and going so that you nor your daughter want for anything.

Do I need to just grit my teeth and grow up?

Its not a matter of growing up, but patience of this kind and magnitude come with maturity and being in this type of situation. Yes you want to spend time with him so tell him… every sunday for 6 hours, it is family time… this is a non-negotiable… then you explain how much it means to you and your daughter. then you explain that in order to be able to support him, you also need to feel supported and this 6 hours (or how every long) will do that for you. He wont get it at first but you have to make him understand becuase he may thing that seeing you in the morning and seeing you at night is enough, when it just isnt.

Is this normal when someone’s work schedule is insane?

I work a crazy schedule, I practice corporate law for a living. I can work anywhere from 12 – 16 hour days. Thats just the nature of what i do… My SO is a personal chef, he works crazy hours sometimes but there difference here is that we are LDR and time together is a luxury… yes when we spend it together we tend to ignore the rest of the world but sometime that just isnt feasible. Like the last time he visited… 8 days, I took off 2, we had the weekend and it was all about us, no phones, no visitors, just us. The other four days, he saw me when i woke up, when i went to sleep and when i dropped him at the airport. Yes it sucked but we carved out us time and we were both satisfied with that… (it often happens the same way when i visit him). relationships, especially marriages, which you are about to enter into, is about sacrifice.

So the question becomes, is your relationship, your impending marraige, your family worth sacrificing a little QT for if it only lasts a short while? Anon2014:  

 

SIdebar, I left the insecurity alone because every woman has some type of jealously/insecurity when it comes to her man… just dont make that another issue or an ongoing one because there will always be women who are prettier or smarter  than you are and trust me if he wanted to be there he would be… and the same goes for the reverse.

Good Luck

Post # 8
Member
498 posts
Helper bee

I think you need to hand write what you just posted except address it to him instead of us and let him know that you wrote him this because talking only turns to fighting and you both don’t resolve anything that way. Explain in more detail on each feeling and reasoning you touched on. Communication and being completely open and honest with understanding and a willingness to compromise together is key here. I’m praying for you, hope this helps. Anon2014:  

Post # 9
Member
2227 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1987

I think that your FI may be suffering from ‘burnout’.  This is when people work so hard that their mental health suffers and they become irrational.  The more they work the more pressured they become.  The more pressured they become the harder they work and the harder they work the more pressured they become.

You have to talk to your FI about this. He needs practical help and he may need psychological help.

Tell him how lonely you are.  Tell him how tired he looks.  Tell him that he needs to spend quality time each day with you and your child.  Tell him that you are worried about your relationship.

Then sort out how you can change his business into a joint business so that you both have control of what is going on.  I don’t know what the business entails but I think that you need to agree that one day a week is family day.  If you have the money you need to book a work-free, phone-free holiday.  Could he employ another person even on a temporary basis?  Does he find prioritising difficult?  Is he worried about bills?  Talk to him and agree a plan of action.

I wish you good luck and I’ll be thinking of you.

Post # 10
Member
498 posts
Helper bee

Supersleuth:   you couldn’t of worded this any better. It’s fantastic advice as well.

Post # 11
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

I sympathize with you! This sounds totally nuts. While your FI may have your future in mind, he has lost sight completely with the present, and he is going to regret that big time when he realizes he never saw his daughter grow up, and/or you reach your breaking point and walk away. 🙁

When you’re NOT emotional, you will need to make the request other Bees have suggested.  One family day a week is not too much to ask. (And it will probaby pay off in the long run anyway, as I would be willing to bet money that it will reduce your FI’s stress levels and actually make him more relaxed and efficient at work…)

What is the point of working ALL the time at the expense of your relationships? 🙁

As for your jealousy… I’m guessing that is just an icky by-product of your unhappiness. You two have enough real issues; don’t create new ones.

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