(Closed) Advice needed re:thank you cards…

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Do I send thank you cards to guests who didn't give gifts?
    Yes : (26 votes)
    58 %
    No : (16 votes)
    36 %
    Only if they spent money on travel expenses : (3 votes)
    7 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    5670 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2010

    Yes, you need to send them a thank you card for coming.

    Post # 4
    Member
    6661 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2010

    I’ve gone to a couple weddings where I did not give a gift for the wedding b/c I already bought a shower gift or we spent a lot on travel and the couple never wrote me a thank you for attending which kind of ticked me off. Honestly I was more thankful to the people who actually attended my wedding than those who bought us a gift so I really don’t understand the logic of not thanking guests for just attending. Almost anyone can take 5 seconds to click through your registry and send a present, but to actually devote a whole day to a couple I think is a little more important.

    Post # 5
    Member
    7695 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2010

    Yes, you do need to send them a thank you card. The message will probably be a little shorter since you dont have 2 things to thank them for, but they still made the effort to be there for your wedding day and that in itself is something to be appreciative of!

    Post # 6
    Member
    1696 posts
    Bumble bee

    You should thank your guests for coming when they arrive at the reception; and you should thank them again when they come to say goodnight before leaving. Those are the inviolable duties of good hospitality.

    You should also thank anyone who sends you a gift by writing a thank-you note before you go to bed on the day you receive the gift. People shouldn’t, really, be bringing them to the reception; but I know that people do. In that case you don’t really end up receiving the gifts until you come home from your honeymoon, and if there are many of them that arrive that way it makes it nearly impossible to write all the notes the same day.

    But as for thank-you notes that aren’t related to gifts, traditional correct form is that guests should be writing a thank-you note to their hostess! These “bread and butter” notes are supposed to be sent the day after anyone hosts you to a meal. Not to discourage you, of course, from sending any notes you want, to anyone you want to send them to. Social correspondence is a fun practice: you don’t even need the excuse of having to say thank-you. You can tell them how nice they looked, that you wish you could spend more time with them (a valid hint that they should offer you some return hospitality-<g>), ask for the recipe to their orange salad that would go so nicely in your new cut-crystal bowl, whatever to use up any extra gift cards and give you the excuse to buy more stationery. Which, by the way, is actually more correct if it doesn’t have wedding pictures or the word “thank-you” printed on the front; and it’s almost a rite of passage to get new stationery engraved with your new address when you move out (or in, or on).

    Post # 7
    Member
    7587 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2010

    A little note is good. If you invited them than you should be thankful they came. Even though we all love presents that’s not what the day is really about.

    Post # 8
    Member
    2538 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    According to Miss Manners you do not give them “Thank You” cards because you had them to your wedding. If they gave no gift, they should send you a “Thank You” card. I was wondering this myself and stumbled upon her response. Here’s the link to her actual response.

    Post # 9
    Member
    13101 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I only sent thank yous to those who gave us a gift.  You already thanked in person those who only attended but brought nothing for their attendance and gave them a favor.  A thank you note in addition is completely unnescessary.

    Also, if I ever went to a wedding and didn’t give a gift (which would NEVER happen but hypothetically speaking), receiving a thank you note would feel like fishing for a gift because when you have no gift to thank them for it really puts it in their face that they didn’t give one.

    Post # 10
    Member
    10367 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2010

    We are sending them to everyone, regardless of whether they gave a gift, or traveled, etc. Seemed like the most polite thing to do ๐Ÿ™‚

     

    ETA: we are also using our thank you cards to get out the word about our photo website so that we can have all the non-pro photos from the night. So, even more reason to send them to everyone!

    Post # 11
    Member
    10367 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2010

    @TheFutureMcBride: I have found it amusing that brides feel the need to follow Miss Manners. If it is no longer the social norm to the extent that we all have to look the rules up, are they even valid anymore? It seems like fishing for technicalities. I think for me, the best way to go is by how I think my guests would interpret different things regarding a wedding. Since I know they aren’t running home to look up Miss Manner’s rules, I have to go with what the general societal expectations are, which usually don’t match up with Miss Manners.

    Post # 12
    Member
    407 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    Intuitively, I don’t think it makes much sense to send them a thank you.  I agree with FutureKMM.  I think its just pointing out that there is no gift, and may seem a little sarcastic, or like the person is trying to make it obvious they didn’t receive one. I can understand why Miss Manners recommends not to.

    Post # 13
    Member
    2538 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    @crayfish: I thought it weird too, but I was just repeating her advice. It’s not whether I agree with it or not.

    Post # 14
    Member
    988 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2009

    unless people have travel costs, they should get you a gift (and even then sometimes they still should).  It’s a special day for you, you’ve paid a lot for their meal, and they should get you something!  It doesn’t have to be expensive.  Personally I think if they haven’t bothered to get anything, I wouldn’t bother to send a thank you. 

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