(Closed) Advice on bringing up marriage.

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
807 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

15 months is not a long time to be waiting and to say you are sick of waiting is a bit strange to read. I waited 5 years on a guy and in the end we broke up. I’m not saying this will happen to you,but really 15 months is nothing and I wouldn’t pressure the guy into proposing, if he is keen he will do it in his own time.

Post # 5
Member
1077 posts
Bumble bee

@Irish-bride:  I think everyone’s relationships move at their own pace and that the OP more wants to make sure that that’s where they’re headed in the future, not that she wants it to happen ASAP.

Welcome hebbywebby! I had a conversation with my SO intitially that started something like “hey I know we’ve kind of alluded to this before but I just want to make sure we’re on the same page about the whole marriage thing. I’m not trying to pressure you or anything and I know we have a while, but I just wanted to know what way you were leaning about it”. That way the conversation is low key and he has a chance to clearly say what he’s expecting.

Post # 6
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I’d say have an honest conversation about your future. He can’t read your mind and you can’t read his. There’s nothing wrong about asking where he sees your future going. That’s not pressuring him; that’s simply expressing your desires and goals. Once you’ve discussed the topic and you feel you are on the same page, you might be able to put together a loose timeline for when you BOTH see yourselves getting married. 

The key is to be honest about things. I don’t think it’s fair to ask you to shove your feelings down just because he might view that as “pressuring” him I think it will probably go better than you think. Choose a time that you are both in good places emotionally and have a rational conversation! 

Post # 7
Member
807 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@Irish-bride:  I must add as we had a major argument within the first week of our relationship, the subject of marriage was accidentally brought up by myself in anger lol but it wasn’t because I wanted him to propose there and then after all we had only known each other a week, but it was more a case of me saying I don’t want an asshole I want a husband lol and the marriage talk just sort of started there but not seriously. A few months ago he proposed and I was quite surprised and very delighted at the same time. We are only together 1 year this month, but we both know that we are “the one”. 

Post # 8
Member
11327 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I agree that an honest and open conversation about all this stuff is best, but I can also understand why you might not want to do that. I never really had that full talk with my husband because I felt like it ruined the mystery a little bit. I knew we were headed there and I knew he would want it to be a big surprise so I didn’t want to disappoint him by dragging a pre-engagement commitment speech out of him (not that there is anything wrong with that, it just didn’t seem right for us). 

What I did, because I felt like my husband was “there” but just wanted to be sure I was too, was start using “we” a lot. When WE buy a house. When WE get married. I felt that sent a signal that I was definitely ready. Also he once asked me what I thought about ____ at a wedding and I told him that I didn’t discuss weddings with anyone I wasn’t engaged to, but that I’d be happy to talk all about it once we were engaged 🙂 If those are too subtle for you, maybe just be blunt with him? Tell him you love him and you’re ready, but that you don’t mean to push him or hurry him at all. You just wanted to make sure that he knew that you’re “there” so that whenever he gets there, he won’t be alone. 

Post # 10
Member
642 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

Not sure how you’ll feel about this but hear me out:

My SO is rather similar by the sound of your post and the most honest conversation we’ve had about this stuff was after a drink or two. Not drunk, just enough to shed inhibitions. His shyness resulted from fear of rejection or pressure and that melted away a bit after a G&T. Similarly, after a glass of wine, I was able to broach the subject without much fear either. I was able to let him know I was on his side; that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him but that I didn’t want to pressure him because we got enough of that from everyone else. A good turn-of-phrase is “on the same page.” As in, I wanted to make sure we were on the same page about where we’re going together.

Best of luck!

Post # 11
Member
807 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@batwoman:  Yes that’s true and I think at this stage the OP should alleviate some pressure on him. Let him do it in his own time. 

Post # 12
Member
11753 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Just be blunt. Ask him if he sees you in all of these future plans.

Post # 13
Member
1068 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I think I might be in the minority on this website, but I NEVER brought it up with my FI. I thought that would kill the romance. He and I have joked about “those girls” that badger their FI’s until they finally pop the question. (Not that everyone who talks about it does, but an unhealthy amount of badgering never leads to a good result.)

I was very happy with my decision not to talk about it until we were actually engaged. Think about what you really want. Do you want it to come from him, or do you want him to feel like he has to do it to make you happy?

Post # 14
Member
11753 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Tangled:  I think there’s a lot of space between finding out if you’re in your SO’s long-term plan (so you don’t waste your time thinking you are when you really aren’t – been there done that) and badgering him for a proposal.  

The choice to get engaged and married should be a joint one, not just left up to the man to do whenever he feels ready.  I hate that people automatically assume women are badgering for proposals and men aren’t ready and that magically whenever the man is ready the woman should be too! 

Post # 15
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@pokie45:  Sounds to me like bringing up marriage would be fine! You could start off by dropping hints on what kind of engagement ring you’d like, if you have a preference. I think that would be ok since he has asked you about that and it might help lessen the pressure for him.

We talked about marriage pretty much from day 1, but I think we are probably the exception to the rule!

Post # 16
Member
642 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@Tangled:  I suppose it depends on the relationship. After we had the “where are we going?” talk, it was really easy and fun to talk about the future and a wedding and all that. Then again, it’s also what makes it so hard not to talk about the ring now that I know he’s shopping for it.

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