Advice on dealing with impossible FMIL (very, very long)!

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 2
943 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

It sounds like he needs to stand up to his mom a bit, if you two are going to be a family unit. I also find it a little weird that his mom is his source for parenting decisions… How are you going to fit into that? Does his mom come first, or do you? 

That being said, if he wants to be with you, you both have to be on the same page about YOU coming first as his wife. His mom doesn’t need to particularly like you.. it sucks, but she doesn’t. However, he shouldnt stand for her making you uncomfortable.

i wish I had better words or advice for you. This isn’t the ideal situation, but it certainly isn’t the worst. I think you may just need to talk and make sure that the two of you are on the same page about your relationship with FMIL.

Post # 3
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

Well, you can’t actually MAKE her accept you. You can keep bugging your FI to stand up to her, but I don’t see how that’s going to change her behavior if she isn’t ready.

I understand that you’d like your FI to support you and I agree that he should, but you may be asking the impossible. What if she flat out refuses to accept you? Are you going to walk away?

Post # 4
1216 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

msfreemis:  I completely understand difficult FMIL’s. While mine is supportive she has her own set of difficulties. FI and I fight about it a lot, but mostly because he has a hard time standing up to her.

I wouldn’t say you won’t get married without everyone’s blessing though. It’s between you two whether you get married or not.

I do agree you need to find a way to figure it out so you aren’t feeling poorly treated. I don’t have a lot of advice for this, because I haven’t really stood up to my FMIL abouit the way she treats me sometimes, but at least she is happy for us that we are getting married, and does like me (even though she doesn’t always show it in the best ways)

I think it’s hard for guys to realize that they way their mother’s treat us does matter and that we can’t just ignore it. You can’t feel put down all of the time by the mother of your FI/DH! It’s only going to make you resent her!

I hope you figure something out!

Post # 5
1266 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

There’s nothing either of you can do to make her accept you. As long as your FI is on your side, that’s all that matters.  My FMIL is not happy about the marriage and definitely dislikes me, but FI and I know there’s nothing we can do about it. It’s hard, but you have to accept that some people will never like you because of their own crazy issues.

Post # 7
2792 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I don’t think you can hold out for universal popularity on this one.  His mother has seen the following; you breaking his heart when he was young.  Then you come back into his life when he is at a very low point, divorcing his wife.  No mater what this woman did, she is the mother of your FMIL’s grandkids.  Now the divorce ink has just dried and her son is marrying you.  Unfortunatly, between what his ex-wife did, and how fast things have seemed to have moved with you, she is probably being very protective of her son. 

I think you do have to have a talk about your fiance and his appeasing his mother, but holding out until she likes you will mean you holding out for a long time. 

Post # 8
1266 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

msfreemis: You and your FI need to sit down and have an honest talk, then.  At first, my FI would cave to his mom to “keep the peace” (and because he is a bit of a mamma’s boy) but once he saw how much her behavior hurt me and realized how ridiculous she was being, he stepped up.  We discussed things he/we can say to her when she gets out of hand that will both shut down the drama and let her know that we’re not buying what she’s selling. We talked about how I can no longer try to make her like me because it’s fruitless and makes me feel like crap. You guys absolutely need to be a team.  If he can’t even tell her about the enagement, I would probably postpone everything until you two can work things out.

Post # 9
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

msfreemis:  You started dating him when he was married to and living with his wife and you’re shocked his upstanding mother isn’t impressed with you?

Post # 10
42117 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Honestly, what is the point of fighting with FI about something over which he has no control? He can’t make your FMIL like you, nor can he control her behavior.

If you and FI have differences about her and FSIL, they may very well be accomplishing their goals- to end your relationship. Live your life with your FI. The FMIL and FSIL may eventually come around- they may not.

Post # 13
339 posts
Helper bee

I think you are too concerned with the conversations that he has with his mom. I dont think what they say to eachother is relevant. What should be important is how she behaves towards you and based on this not really well. What would you have him do? Say mom i dont like how you treat  msfreemis:  If you arent nice to her, she wont marry me… It should enough that he is going against what his mother and sister are advising and he has CHOSEN you to be his wife. He knows his family better than you do and I’m sure this isnt the first time (or the last time) you will get the cold shoulder.

Personally, I also feel that unless his mom is disrespectful to you infront of him or in the way she talks about you to him then he shouldnt be involved. You are both grown women and you can either decide to work through your issues or dont. But I think you’re being a tad bit unfair by postponing a wedding to someone who clearly loves you just because you want to be accepted more.

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