- 3 years ago
Before we got engaged I was so happy that my future inlaws were so lovely and normal. I think I may have jinxed myself.
We have been engaged for 6 months and I have researched extensively on venues etc, we were looking at having a wedding about 3 hours drive away in a small winery region but have changed to a destination wedding in Bali as it’s going to be $10,000 cheaper, we can have the wedding of our dreams and get to have amazing quality time with friends and family rather than blowing $30k on something mediocre (in terms of value for money) and just one day here in Australia. After two months of research and even venue scouting in Bali we found our perfect clifftop villa wedding venue, but only now has my mother, his parents and his siblings completely gone loopy. Might I just start by saying on both sides of our family money is not an issue, we aren’t millionaires by any means but no one is living on or below the poverty line.
We have not even booked the venue or set a date as we wanted to discuss with both our parents before we confirmed anything as they are contributing money, but before we could do that it’s all just blown up in our faces. One of his sisters has already made a huge fuss of the dollar value it will take her family of 4 to come as they only stay at the best hotels, and has grossly exaggerated what it will cost. She had her own wedding in Bali 8 years ago with no problems from the family which I just find so hypocritical that it’s ok for her to have a destination wedding but not us (she encouraged me to look at Bali for a destination wedding months ago). She also complained to my fiance that she doesn’t feel included in the wedding plans! Call me crazy but why would I talk about our wedding with my fiance’s sister who lives 2 hours away and is a working mother of 2 when I have 5 bridesmaids and I am my mothers only daughter. Stupid thing is all i’ve done is research and all on my own, I’ve always been independant and don’t want to bother people, nobody has offered help either. I haven’t even picked anything other than my dress so far and she feels “excluded”.
His dad has already starting stipulating a budget (like max $40pp for drinks) when we havent even had any discussions about who is paying for what, demanded a confirmed guest list and trying to get us to change our destination based on the fact that it will cost the whole family $40,000 just to attend our wedding (he’s grabbed onto the inflated figure my fiance’s sister invented and over inflated it again, by my calculations it’d cost 14 of them $11,000 total at the max). Another of his sisters demanded we book a venue so she could book in her accommodation a year away, and when he said can you please be patient, she called him arrogant and pigheaded, abused me and says she won’t be coming to the wedding.
No one has asked us where we intend on staying but his entire family are already trying to book in accomodation without a thing being confirmed yet. I thought the etiquette was to wait for the bride and groom to at least book their accommodation and try to stay close to them or stay where they recommend so it makes it easier for us to arrange transport? They have all had these conversations without us when we are part of the family too.
Also my mum is now refusing to go to our wedding if we hold it in Bali as she thinks her parents and 3 of her friends won’t come. I just figure if we are important enough to our guests they will come and have a great time, it doesn’t bother me if they can’t make it, my grandparents have never been kind people.
We are due to talk to his parents this weekend to work out what expectations they have on contributing money as we still want to feel in control of our day but make them feel included. His dad has a horrible temper when he gets going and is extremely stubborn, I just want to make sure I’m covering all my bases when we have a discussion so he doesn’t throw a tantrum closer to our wedding like before our engagement party over the fact that my name was before my partners on our invites (I had researched it and that’s what was recommended, but there was no arguing with him).
I was so naive in thinking the wedding planning would be the hardest part of getting married. I can handle my mum but can’t handle the rudeness of his family when I have to take the abuse or else if I stick up for myself I’ll be painted as some monster. My fiance has been great and stepping up to bat, still sometimes he doesn’t stand up to them as much as he should. The whole thing puts a huge strain on our relationship.
We could change our venue back to Australia but our hearts had already been set on Bali and it will just feel like we’re doing everything to make everyone else happy and I would hate to be unhappy on my wedding day because we have been dictated to.
Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated!
Thanks, <br />L x