Advice on differing opinions between family and fiance?

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
351 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

There are plenty of things for you and your FI to pay for after the wedding. 🙂 I would accept help from your parents, but within a limit. Perhaps they can just pay for the reception, or even the catering or reception decor? They have probably looked forwards to helping pay for your wedding for a long time, and it’s something that many parents just do. 

Post # 4
2057 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia

Aw, it isn’t easy being the only daughter. I am an only daughter. My mom seems detached from reality when planning weddings. Mothers will always want the best for their (only) daughters — then, it suddenly becomes THEIR wedding and not ours.

First, step away from either side (your FI/your mom) and find out what YOU truly want. I find that I am such a people pleaser that it makes me very unhappy when nobody ends up being happy no matter how hard I tried.

My mother looks down on my wedding because I’m choosing to DIY centrepieces, amongst other things, which includes not having a reception gown and not having a train for a wedding dress. Also, she thinks that my venue is in the middle of butt-eff-nowhere in the mountains. From time to time, she (still) tries to persuade me to have a grand Chinese banquet, closer to where most of her/my relatives reside; that I would get a lot of red-packets that way. (It’s her way of wanting to invite more of her friends and my dad’s distant relatives, whom I don’t really know personally) To which I said, FI & I do realize how difficult it is for everyone to travel to a DW. We aren’t expecting any gifts; their presence is present enough.

To her, a wedding means I’m princess for a day. I shouldn’t be lifting a finger before, during or after the wedding. (Insert my horrified look here) She then proceeded to go for my jugular in a text message: “If I invite[d] my friends and relatives, I have to make it nice for all. Otherwise, I might as well don’t invite. Then, you can only invite your in-laws only.” She even went as far as to suggest having my cousin’s kid (whom I’m not even close to) to be the ring-bearer; my mother got really disgusted when I suggested to her that we already have a ring-bearer picked out: our Scottish Terrier. She also made suggestions for flower girls; I said, we’ve got two. I don’t need 4 flowergirls when I’m only having 1 bridesmaid.

Be firm of what you and your FI want. My mother expected me NOT to tell my FI about the mean conversations that happened between her and I. Hell no. If I’m marrying someone for the rest of my life, I am going to be honest. If my mother wanted to save face, she can then choose to be more careful of what she says before she hurts everyone around her.

Discuss with your FI. It is ultimately both your wedding; not your parents’. Thank your parents for offering, but tell them gently that you’ve got other plans. Be on guard emotionally for any mean comments family members will make, but always remember that no matter how hard you try, you can’t make everyone happy. So, might as well be the happiest bride and groom. That kind of happiness will be infectious enough that your guests will forget what they were fretting about.

Good luck with planning and congratulations on being recently engaged!

Post # 5
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Plan what you want with your fiance and what is important to you. Then plan a list of “would be nice” – a list of things you don’t need but would like (like draping). 

Then see if your FI would be ok with your parents paying for those “would be nice” things. They aren’t needed so if your parents don’t pay for them (the “terrible thing” that could happen in your FI’s head) it doesn’t matter because you didn’t need them anyway.

They want to help, it will make them so happy. Just talk it all over and be very open with both your FI and your parents to make sure that everyone is on the same page. 

Post # 6
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@kitkat2014:  We viewed our wedding as our responsibility and flat out told our parents that we wouldn’t accept anything from them.  We had a vision for our wedding and we stuck to it, even refusing offers to pay for specific things.

Post # 8
2057 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia

Just tell people that you’re kinda non-committal about setting anything in stone just yet as you are still enjoying the engagement glow. “Oh, I’m still getting used to being engaged.” Then, you can truly tell the “people” who are adamant about getting invites.

Ha, my fiance made me watch this Peep-Show episode (Season 4 Episode 6) in regards to wedding jitters; it’s a crude/awkward British show. OP, maybe try watch it with your FI to have a laugh and shake off any anxiety caused by awkward guests inviting themselves moments.

Oh, while you are on the budget-friendly bit, check out Offbeat Bride for inspiration. OB and WB are my two main sources. 🙂 For drapery, start asking around any married friends who might still have drapery packed in their garage or basement. That would cover as your “something borrowed”.

Post # 9
1793 posts
Buzzing bee

The most important thing here is that you both feel comfortable about your wedding as it is planned and  you are comfortable once you are there.

You said, “FI gets extremely anxious/stressed at weddings (of those he’s close to) because of the fear that something terrible is going to happen and ruin the day. Our wedding would be no exception…I’m afraid he wouldn’t enjoy it at all. So we’ve talked this over extensively and decided that the smallest possible wedding would be best for finances and our happiness. “

You have talked this over extensively already on what you want and need.  I think you two need to discuss what your parents want to do for you , is it acceptable, and will it take away from the experience you want.

You need to keep working on your parents and get them to understand that you don’t want some of the things they want.  You make them sound like reasonable people so I hope they come around for you.

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